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Long Time Traveller

It seems I've come to a conclusion about love
well, love and me
You see,
I've been thinking a lot about it since the move to my dad's house
simply because I left behind someone I "loved" since I first met him in sixth grade. "Love" as in my meaning of the word, which I've yet to fully understand.
I'm scared now that I won't find anybody to love, who loves me back.
It's because of this thought I have, that the only time two people can love oneanother is if they understand eachother, know exactly what the other person has been through and relate to them. Understanding helps dictate the right actions to take and words to say, making it a true love.
Now you see, you understand, why I'm scared
I don't know anybody here
and I don't know, truly know anybody else in New York or Florida.
K-1 was a joke, I barely remember it or the people I met, small flashes of memory come back to me when I try hard to think about that place.
2-4.5 was a sweet time of my life, of course it ended baddly. I loved living there, I remember a lot of my friends and the only yearbook I own is from there. I remember so much, their voices loudly shouting at me "bye!" "goodbye!" "bye Erika!" "we'll miss you!" and maybe it was a trick of the mind, but the boy I had a crush on, Devin, saying "thanks for the love note!" I'd given it to him earlier in the day. the announcement was late, I had begun to think that maybe we would buy the house back and stay there. A foolish wish on my part. I, as a 9 year old, had to walk alone to my stepfathers car, in full knowledge that I would never see my school or friends again. I'll never forget you Scott, the first and only love note I've received so far~
The rest of year 4.5 was one of the worst points of my life thus far. I lived in a gated community, in what seemed like the middle of nowhere. My mom and stepdad fought almost every night, I had a bad case of flee things that tore apart my ankles, shared a room with my very young brother, and lived most of my life there playing in a closet, as it was the only place that belonged to me, the only place where I could block everything out. Logic seems to say that that closet and that house and that half year developed my distant mind and general reluctance toward people. I got a call from my mom while visiting my dad for the summer that she was at Nana and Grandpas, we moved there.
Grade 5. An intresting year, I was now living with my grandparents. It was a lifestyle change, the ALWAYS had food around the house. And now, instead of one person yelling at me, I had three dogging me about everything. Regardless, I love my grandparents so very very much! They took us in without a second thought, and let us stay until we were ready to move out. They helped take care of my little brother and me. They kept us off the street, I'm so greatful to them~ School was different too, you see, we now lived in the country and I went to a school where everyone knew everyone else. It was a good school, I made friends with the "outcasts" like normal and life was ok! Then I met this boy, his name, was Collin. I then fell in love with this boy. Course he didn't like me back, to my knowledge. Then, through my mom, I found out that he was a very distant cousin. I quickly called upon the fact that pretty much everybody in North Collins was related and I decided I didn't care. As I hugged my teacher goodbye forever on the last day of school, and one of my best friends gave me a bookmark with her picture on it, I wondered why I had to move so much.
6-9. We moved into a small, thousand year old house with pee stains in the biggest bedroom. We moved because my mom found a boyfriend by the name of Rick. He was studying to become a lawyer and convinently lived not even a mile and a half away from our new house. We were not by ANY means ready to move out. My mom had barely any money and I knew it. The first night we all slept on the floor in the room with the pee stains and I cried myself to sleep. It was a rough start, the house was old and in disarray. Going from a country school to a big expensive city school was majorly difficult. This was the longest school I stayed at though, and I thought, just maybe, this is where I would stay until college. I made great friends, friends that were truly friends, it was the longest time I'd ever known anyone, and I was so happy. Almost like a plotline in a drama novel, tragety struck. It was the first day of high school, 9th grade. I was so excited to see all my friends again, so excited to get new teachers and learn about this new school, but this time, I was starting with all my best friends. You'll find wha happened that first day in earlier posts. I was devestated. My lifes' foundation began to crumble after that. Saddly school became my only escape from home, which life there was getting worse and worse. I began cutting and wishing my life was over. I hated it there. Finally I decided to move in with my dad. One summer, too many fights and tears and too much money later, my mom stopped fighting for me and let me move. This is where my story ends for now. A lone girl, stuck, yet again, in a new place with new people and a new school. I don't have anyone who understands what I've been through, no one really knows me. I guess, for now, I'll start over again and try to work my way back up. Though in three simple years, I'll have to do just that all over again.
I'm so scared that I'll never find love
I'll never find someone who understands
someone who relates
someone who CARES
So here I sit, pen in hand, tears streaming down my face, not sure if I'm ready, to begin forming the next chapter of my life.

While my conclusion on love is very long
most conclusions must be, in order for the reader to get why that conclusion was arrived at.
My life has been hard, to say the least
and I am so greatful for all the wonderful people I've run across
but my heart cannot help but to scream
"When will I be happy again?"
~Erika