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Yet again, here I am in my journal, typing out a message to the maybe ten people that read this and dont leave comments, save for two people who have.

A few things are going on with me right now, and all are depressing.

The first thing would be me losing a friend, ((kittenofshadow)) , not to death, but something more retarded then that, she just stopped talking, for no apparent reason, and deleted me from her friends list on Gaia and on myspace, and the worst part about it is that I dont even know why, I could have been annoying, which I dont really see, saying "Hey whats up?" shouldnt be annoying, especially on an IM, but hey, thats just me, or maybe she just set it in her mind that I wasnt someone she wanted to talk to anymore, I dont know, but it depresses me nonetheless.

The second thing would be the retard factor of doctors in hospitals that think they know everything just because of some blood work.
My mom just came out of surgery about two weeks ago and just got the staples out of her stomach last tuesday, and a few days later had a migrane, nausea, fever, and the shivers, and the doctors said nothing was wrong with her.

.........um

HELLO!!!!!!

Its right in front of your ******** face a** wipe!!!!!

Thats why I hate hospital doctors, they think they know everything from a damn urine sample, and blood sample, and if nothing is wrong they boot you out the door with a second thought, and most of the nurses are the same.

The third thing would be what most of my previous entries were about, the girl I love and cant get out of my head.
I have come to realize that she still loves me, which is why she is TRYING to forget me, she hasnt yet, but she is TRYING to.
I think she feels the same way about me as I do her.
Now dont get me wrong, I still know I hurt her, and I can understand why she would want to try and forget me, but I still wish we could have one last conversation to clear things up, to have a few of my questions answered.

The fourth thing would be all my friends getting into relationships.
This bothers me, because I feel left out, ive been in one relationship in my entire 20 years, almost 21 years of living, and it only lasted a year and a half.
This is my major depression issue, not being able to find anyone to be with, ive tried the dating sites, and cant get very far with them because they always want money, so I gave up on that, im not able to leave the house to go make friends because I have to sit at home and take care of my mother because of my job taking care of her.
The only people I meet are here on the internet, and with some I dont even know what they look like, so I cant properly say that I want to be with them, yeah, I may develop feelings for them over time even though I dont know what they look like, but I cant get the full feeling of knowing them because I dont know what they look like.

I dont like being left out, like I said in my last entry, I want to find someone to be with, someone who doesnt mind me for who I am, the lazy, big, person that I am.

I doubt ill ever find that person, such a person seems so good to be true, that they must not even exist in this lifetime.

I know im young, I have years and years ahead of me.....maybe, who knows, I may decide to end it someday because of a wave of depression hitting me, then ill never find out if there was a person out there for me, that could make me happy again, a person that would want to be with me because they like waking up next to me in the morning and saying hello.

I got close to that point yesterday while I was driving, I heard a song on there that the girl from earlier entries liked and it just destroyed me on the inside because it reminded me of her, it reminded me of when I went to see her, when I gave her the necklace that I did, when I hugged her in the hallway and then looked into her eyes, that song almost made me end my life because I knew that she wont ever talk to me again.

But I decided against it, because I was scared, I was too much of a coward to do it, as well as the fact that I didnt feel like making my mother cry, that was my biggest fear, I didnt want my mother following my example and taking her own life, shes the only one keeping me afloat right now, when she leaves this world, I dont know what im going to do if im in the same state that im in now.

Might end up going through with it all.....This is not a suicide note, I dont intend on taking my life anytime soon, im just trying to put how I feel into words, but that is impossible.
I cant put it into words, all I can do is rant about how I feel, im not Emo, believe me, I dont cut my arm, I dont smoke, I drink once in every few blue moons, and im good at hiding my depression from my mother and everyone around me, but now its out in the open, but dont bother telling me "Well shes out there for you, just wait for her" Ive heard that all before, and so far its all empty words to me, I wont believe it until it happens.

I want the depression to end, I am sick of it, its taking over my life, which is much to begin with.

I would write more, but I dont know if there is a limit to how much I can say, so im going to leave it at that.