I am weak. I'm rather stating the obvious. I lack courage I guess, because I can't seem to bring myself to call the number for therapy. Instead I think of what the therapist would tell me. Think of what that would be like and that soon I will perform certain tasks that I always intended to do. I analyzed myself from the outer perspective and judging my actions from past to determine my future... I am a failure as a human being. That sums it up. I always was and always will be. I am a coward and I will not dial the number to therapy. Instead I try to imagine what therapy would be like. This thinking alone made me come to a logical outcome, suicide. It is past emotion response, past depression, it is analyzing reality. I am a coward because I don't seem to posses enough strength to have let that knife penetrate my insides, because I did not take enough pills to kill me, because I did not pull the wire hard enough to suffocate. I will live because I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide and I will be broken because I'm too afraid to seek help and leave my cell to deal with the world. Chance is the only thing that will save me... even though I should be saving myself.
Why am I so ******** dependent? I hate this. I wish I knew better. I think it's too late to be fixed.
 niatsu · Sat Nov 21, 2009 @ 03:42am · 0 Comments |
