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So...I did it. He didn't stop talking all through lunch, so when the bell rang I pulled him aside and just said, "Well, you know I've had a great time with you and all, but...I...I just don't really see us going anywhere." Of course I'm not one for pressure, so I'm stuttering and ended up saying something completely lame. He kind of stopped then said, "Okay...No hard feelings, right?"

He smiles. I say, "Yeah..."

Now: refer to journal title.

I felt really shitty. The relief came about an hour later.

What can I say? I know how guys feel. By the last few days I felt completely caged in others' expectations, which started with the abruptly official titles, meeting his mom, him forcing himself to meet MY mom... I don't feel like he listened to what I said at all, and that he was just taking advice from his parents (who I think might be racist from all his comments which I think I was supposed to laugh at but didn't). Just all these little things kept building up, but I didn't dare say anything because he had some vision of me being someone I wasn't.

Do I look like the kind of person who wants doors opened for them, all my meals and tickets paid for, who expects to be decked out in jewelry for Christmas?

All these little things...I feel like writing them out but I don't want to rant, since I know he was trying. It's not his fault that all his advances kind of repulsed me and made me want to flee.

But can anyone answer me this -- what makes him think he's so abnormal? To me, he was so utterly normal that I freaked.

So...it's over. Jenny's already mapping out future boytoys for me. I really hope my next victim is less one-dimensional (but then again, I never really explained myself at all so maybe I came off that way, too. That would explain his behavior toward me, what with all the blood-curdling flattery. My personality just turns to water when I think that people aren't going to like Me for Me). Also, I'm kind of hoping he stops sitting with us, but for some reason I don't think he's going to give up on that.

PLEASE, GOD, IF HE ASKS TELL HIM I DO NOT WANT A CHRISTMAS PRESENT. NO. JEWELRY. Because I'm going to want to refuse (and probably will; but with our track record, he's going to ignore me and insist and insist and insist and INSIST until I give up) and I'm never going to wear it because of the extreme awkwardness it will induce.

On a tangent, I lost my phone the day I went out with him. Today I went to the gym in a different sweatshirt, and I found it. Fate?

I wish I had put "Like A Virgin" on Wrandi's mix. Boo, I forgot. evil

I'm still going to Snow Ball. Any outfit ideas? Should I go dress shopping or just borrow one? 3nodding