A strange girl with a weak smile looks up at you, the mist of old tears and a dreamy look in her eyes. She sits just long enough to say. . .
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Kia ora!
Time to rant on about more crap you really don't care about. :3 First off, I'd like to state the purpose of doing this journal thing. There's a number of reasons. So that; - When I get a stalker on Gaia they can come here and basically know everything about me up to that point, therefore making it easier to make an emotional connection with me - I'll have something to look back on, to show me how I've progressed and show me the dark spots, the highlights, and how I managed to survive/enjoy them - I can laugh and blush at the stuff I said; how silly some of my thoughts were and how irrational they are, regaurdless as to what it meant at the time.
Anyway, in my opinion, it's important to be able to look back. Time to be cliche' again, but, when you have a life like mine, with your fair share of downs and spiraling, slightly confusing ups, you need to be able to see that you can make it through all that. As it's been quoted, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.", it's just as important to know what you've been through than to just go through it. It's comforting in those harsh times to know that there was a similar experience that you went through before. You're happy now, just a box of budgies! It's all great, but that doesn't wipe out what's happened before. You always need to keep in mind that you've been through hell and back. You can do it again, and, once you have, you'll be that bouncing ball of sunshine again <3 Just try to make it through the storm and the sunshine shall come! ((Ohshi- so cheesy...))
So! What's really going on with me. Roxxie, my pseudo-mum since 2007, has been pushing me about education and such. I love talking to her, it's just that it scares me... But reassures me at the same time? Time to splooge-- I've known her for 3 years now. In that time, she's become closer to me than a lot of people. I'm not saying that I love her 3982098421 times more than any of my other friends, such as Bickzy, but yet I do. Bickz is my best friend, has been for a while now and always will be <3 But, and I'd almost hate to say this because it's truly sad how much seperation there is between my mother and I, Roxanne means so much more to me in that way. They're equal on the level of best friends, but sorry, Bickz, you'll never be as much of a mum as she has to me xD ((I'll stop comparing you guys now...)) Moving on, Roxxie is kind of nudging me out of the nest, trying to make me more open to the world. For example; I should do some volunteer work, it would look good on college applications and give me time to decide what I want to do. I totally agree with that, and there's a s**t ton of listings for volunteerness in NZ (Yaaayyyyy!!!), but it just scares me. I absolutely love how she's not just trying to get me to "make something" of myself, but she's trying to get me focused on my future... The future that involves happiness, not just slaving away at work. I completely appreciate that, and, if she tells me it's going to be okay, I believe her. The thing is, I just don't believe in myself as much as she does. I just don't know. For as long as I can remember, I've viewed life as ending at 20. Not that it becomes meaningless then- it's meaningless from the start. But, in all honesty, I used to think that you'd just drop dead soon after you turn that age. If that's true (Which of course it isn't), I wouldn't want to waste my life away learning s**t for how many more years. I think what bothers me the most is how I'm still so young and my life only consists of basic funtions, such as sleeping and eating, and school. I never do anything. I especially love how my friends try to get me out and all I want to do is sit at home. *Sargasms* Then I find a way to complain about it? Life is so meaningless already, I'd just love to say I don't care. Life is so precious and there's so much that I'd hate to lose, and I know for a fact that I care. I guess I could live out life as some hausfrau, but what can I say then? I'll write a book about my life when I'm old. Three sentences. "I went to school in my younger years. I found love. I'm going to die soon."
I want something to be proud of. Don't get me wrong, that is an achievment. A lot of people can't say they've loved as I have, whether it be friends, family, or more... I just tend to scare people off, so mehhh. I need an identity. I need to do more. I need more motivation.
I need proof that life is worth living. Not for anyone else, but just for myself.
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Before she gets up and walks away, waiting for you to follow her lead.
Kuhwaylulz · Mon Feb 01, 2010 @ 03:23am · 1 Comments |