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What Is Love? Really, I'm Asking... |
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I condsidered that question alot today. It's been on my mind lately, what with the holiday now coming and going. It seems I can't define it myself, so I'd appreciate it if someone could offer me some help.
Just to update, Sunday wasn't anything special, I was on Gaia all day, and Monday was just another update for work at school. We're being crushed by this overload of work to get things done, and it's like a handful of students doing everything for FBLA. Lately, our Web Design class has become FBLA 101. I'm really losing my grip on all of this.
Tuesday, I woke up with a headache, and until I even got on the bus, I had totally spaced that it was Valentine's Day. I got stuck in the house watching Sophia because my parents had gone out for dinner to celebrate, since my dad had to work today. There was no way I could have gotten anyone anything, but of course I have no excuse because I waited until the last minute, like every other man does.
When I got to school, I managed to meet up with Josh before we got to the tables. Marissa found us and handed us the flowers that Sonja had bought us. They were lovely, some of them were a bright pink, I think they were carnations, I'm not good with flowers. The others were a soft orange with pinkish red tips. It was all arranged together with some baby's breath, and had a little plush doggy keychain that she had gotten especially for me wrapped around the flowers to hold them together. Of course I noticed that they had a rubber band around them, but I told myself the dog was holding them for me. Josh got flowers too, but his were held by a teddy bear.
Once we thanked Marissa for the delivery, she immediately asked me what I had gotten Sonja in return. I stammered for a second to give my answer, but truthfully I had been working on a gift for her in secret as well as something for her birthday ever since Saturday. I wished I had had something for her regardless, because I honestly wasn't expecting chocolate from anyone, and I should have been generous even though I wasn't planning on getting anything.
I felt pretty sick right then. Sonja had been so nice to me lately, buying me all these nice things, offering to buy me stuff, always making sure I was happy. It made me feel like s**t because I knew that she was the one he needed gifts and reassurance and happiness, not me. At least, she deserved those things anyway. Here I was, sucking it all in and not reciprocating, and Marissa even called me on it.
At the table, Josh and I got tons off attention because of the pretty flowers. Ricardo had gotten some huge teddy bear for his girlfriend, and I felt bad for him because so far this day I had already seen the same bear with two other girls, not too originaly. I loved my flowers because they had been hand-picked an everything, but then I realized they weren't original, Josh had the same arrangement. Now I was pretty envious too, because even though it was special, it wasn't unique. Looking back, I know this concept was pretty selfish of me, but I wanted to feel like I was somebody, you know? Someone special, I guess.
We had a strange schedule for today, because the Sophomores were taking that IOWA test, so we'd theoretically be in Web Design most of the day. Government class went fine. Since it was 1st hour, people of course jumped down on comparing gifts and showing off. We did our little project on working with the bills.
Then, after that, we skipped Algebra, which actually bothered me, I would have liked to see Mr. Kuhns, he'd been brightening up my days lately, we've been on good terms ever since I started passing. No luck though, it was straight to Web Design after Government, where we sat for an hour and a half to do more FBLA/Portfolio/Whatever Mrs. Shugars can come up with. So, lots of fun. Tabatha showed up late from her clinical assignment, which was unlike her, but she was alright and stuff, and she handed out these little heart pouches she had sewn herself and filled with a piece of Ghiradelli chocolate. Mine had a little 'E' on it, it was so awesome. When we got done with that class, we had Psychology, which was nothing really, no one wanted to do their project. Then it was back to Web Design again, more work and complaining, then we had lunch.
The week before, I had asked Ms. Klein if we could go to the Adler Dining Hall to eat. Stuff came up and we had to postpone, so I suggested we go on Valentine's Day. I signed up myself, along with Josh, Kesean, Hacina, and Toni. We had a wonderful time, and the food was fantastic, I knew going on a holiday was a good idea. We had this Chicken Wellington dish, which was wonderful, and I had the Tortilla Soup as an appetizer. Of course, we stuffed ourselves with rolls, and for dessert, we had a Strawberry Torte with a chocolate dipped strawberry on the side. Needless to say I nearly licked the plate clean, and we got lazy about hurrying up to eat, so everyone except for like Josh got a late pass since we took our time.
The last class I had to do was Web Design again. But Mrs. Shugars had something to do after lunch or whatever, so we had to take the class to Ms. Jones, the Office Tech teacher who does accounting and stuff. I went on Gaia, finished my r鳵m鬠and downloaded some more Death Note to read. Not real interesting. Rode the bus home, Jesse had this bag of rolls he bought from the diner hall, so he was passing them out. I had one, but I don't know why, I wasn't hungry, especially after lunch, I think it was so I didn't have to talk or say anything. I wanted to get my flowers in some water.
Candice had nearly hopped on the wrong bus she was in so much disarray, because Chris had gotten her this huge plush dog, and she had to carry the cake she had made in her Culinary cluster as a Sophomore. So I grabbed the dog and her backpack, so I wouldn't risk hurting the cake if I carried that instead. Her house was a nice thing to see after I hadn't been here in so long, I greeted her mom, and we sat down to relax. Ozzie and Mojo came in, jumping at my heels, so I played with them for a while, letting them chase me around the house. It was fun, I missed this kind of atmosphere. She shared some fried chicken with me, and I ate that too, I'm such a glutton. xp
We watched that VH1 show Web Junk, where they show the top 10 internet videos of the week. I needed to get home, so I wished her well, and was on my way. While walking though, I tripped and nearly landed on the flowers I was holding. I was alright, but I ended up losing an entire bulb off of one of the stems, almost as if I'd plucked it perfectly. I nearly broke down then, the best gift I'd gotten in a while damaged. It made me really mad. I forced myself to shrug it off, and placed the bulb on a mailbox, hoping that whoever saw it appreciated the sentiment a little. My anger was kind of getting me, because as I walked home, these two middle schoolers walking home thought they would be smart, so as I passed, one of them pointed to his friend and said, "He likes you." I don't know how I thought it up, but I immediately shot back, "Sorry, I don't ******** ugly guys." It sounded kind of gay afterward, but it shut them up pretty quick. I guess they realized I was in ******** mode.
When I got home, my parents were in a chipper mood, which was awfully unlike them. Of course, you sort of have to be happy today if you're married, and there were balloons and roses all over the kitchen, and the cards they had gotten each other were standing on top of the kitchen table proudly, between two candles. I lied to my parents and told them I'd gotten the flowers from someone at lunch, because they were so interested in who I'd got them from, I didn't really feel like telling them I'd gotten these and the chocolates from Saturday from my best friend's ex-girlfriend. Needless to say that wouldn't have sounded too good.
Kelly wished me well and handed me a little heart-shaped box of chocolates, saying it was from Sophia. It was Yu-Gi-Oh! on the box, but I appreciated the thought of course. I started looking around for something to put Sonja's flowers in, but I had to settle for a glass pitcher. I'd heard somewhere that the colder the water was, the longer they lasted, so I added like 3 cups of ice to them. Then I went upstairs and tried to write.
But I kept having these thoughts about this holiday. Sure, you can tell me, "Emiliano, you're just upset because you don't have a valentine, that's why you don't really get attached to this sort of thing." And I'd tell you, yeah, you're right, that is part of why I don't like this holiday. The reason most holidays are hurtful to people is that they involve needing to be with others for them to be enjoyable, and for most people, that's what makes them difficult.
Another thing is that, I don't really see this holiday brightening up anyone I care about. Nobody was really excited for this day, in fact, I know several people who were dreading it, and just wished it was over, which was the reason I was mad. I didn't really deserve to be so angry, it's not like I had lost anything to wish I still had. Didn't they say it was better to have loved, then lost, than to never to have loved at all? I suppose that made sense, I'd had nothing to lose, but it still felt like I had lost something, and this day hadn't made it any better. I wish I could tell you what it was, but for the life of me, I just don't know.
This whole day hadn't brought out a lot of love to anyone in my opinion. I didn't know love was supposed to be like this, crush people and make them everything but happy. I wish I could at least figure out what kind of love puts people through these situations. Why, for instance, do we have to celebrate this appreciation of people one day a year? That doesn't make sense, you should feel this way about people 24/7/365. My mom used to always say that, that you don't really show love, you feel it. It's like this day was made to make showing love obligatory, instead of from the heart. It's so pathetic, it's brought people into the idea that if they don't receive some sort of gift, no one cares about them, which is what it's been doing to me.
Well, I'm tired of it. I'm going to do all that I can to at least express my love for the people I hold near and dear all the time. I don't need a valentine, they're for people who aren't sure they're doing enough. And if I'm not, I'm sure as hell not going to try to win someone back by showering them with gifts, that's not going to make up anything.
Edible Substance · Wed Feb 15, 2006 @ 05:38am · 0 Comments |
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