Depression AGAIN...
I hate feeling this way. I hate having to write this here, specially since I've been with Demon (Darc) things have been a lot better than they were a few years ago. Things he, mostly from over a hundred miles away, helped me mostly emotionally over come. Especially when my Uncle died, and when I had first got the apartment my name is on now. That was the worst, but he helped me through it.
Right now, hurtful words were spoken which have shaken the sturdy ground I walked on with him. What once was solid ground now seems to be ice and has broken. I feel broken, and not being in contact with him for a few days is making things worse. I fell like I'm drifting away on a sheet of melting ice with him still on land. He can't swim, so would instantly drown, and I can't swim half well enough to think about jumping in and swimming back. I stand close to the edge wanting to jump in a trust I'll make it back but am too scared that I'll sink to the bottom and get stuck in the weeds.
I feel a shell building up again. I don't want him away from me. I feel like half of me is gone when he leaves to go home. Now it feel like half of me is fading away, and I feel like crying, but training prevents me from doing so. Something I'm partially glad for. I do not like me emotions, I never really have. They just confuse things and this is one thing that is confusing. Not to mention crying merely gives me a head-ache. burning_eyes
Love doesn't exist: it what I heard translated to me. She wasn't talking to me, but collectively talking about me and my relationship. It's not real, and other stuff a parent should be telling a TEENager not talking about an adult to a teenager about all (household) relationships. Among other things (well another thing) that have been depressing me it all equates to life is not worth living or even being born for.
Yeah I know this may be confusing but this is how I feel on a regular basis. Once I have something figured out in my head, something/someone comes a messes things up for me again. Takes the papers I have stacked on my desk and throws them into the air so they're all jumbled up. Another addition to the depression. I need to pick up my certificate tomorrow from school. I just graduated a few weeks ago.
Yay Me..... sweatdrop
