First, a note -- i had this huge long entry but somehow it didn't post. i had saved half in a word document, otherwise i wouldn't have bothered to reconstruct this -___-
//
He showed me the roof of the music building, this time. It was awesome. Go up the back stairs, up up up to a lonely grey door, push it open. There is a room there full of steam pipes, cooling systems, vents, grey metal boxes dusty with whoknowswhat, paint on the floor crunching beneath my feet. He was completely relaxed there, in the darkness. I said I was scared, said I didn't like the dark, or weird noises and tiny glowing lights. He laughed at me, pulled me to him and I clung to him, asked him why was that funny, what was he afraid of?
"The little roly-poly bugs," he said, "I hate them..."
Pillbugs! Yeah, that's his fear. Pillbugs can't hide in the shadows and jump out at you.
"I'm going to do something you're really gonna hate me for," he says
"What?"
He leaves me and walks over to the wall and flips the switch. Instantly everything's illuminated in light.
"Aww geez..."
I walk around - I'm fascinated by weird stuff like this, alien structures that make weird noises, unseen machines heating and cooling this ugly, lego-brick building.
Finally we leave the room to get on the roof.
(i'll confess now, we actually explored the weird room after we went on the roof.)
The roof is accessed by a door inside the weird room. Step over the doorjamb and find yourself in a space between two sections of raised roof. A large machine blocks most of the space, but if you crawl under it (it's on stilts of sorts) and slip between the wide vents you'll find yourself on the flat roof on one side of the building. The roof is paved with a strange white material and dotted with small chimney vent things. Over any edge you can see the whole campus, and since it's 9:30 pm not too many people are out and about. I duck whenever a car moves, though. He strides upright, unafraid. The roof has small shallow depressions that puddle with the day's rainwater, and polluted by fallen pine needles.
He sits down against the wall, slides down so he's sitting on the roof's white pavement. I sit down next to him. He puts his hand on my waist and pulls me close to him and we chill there, my head on his chest, my whole body turned towards him.
We talk. The place is beautiful and I like the way I can see the tall pines from my spot, but only the top half - it's weird not seeing the bare-shaven trunks beneath them, and actually being able to see the tops easily. The power lines are at eye-level. Cars roll by on the road below, unseen. If we'd stayed out a little longer, I think the wispy clouds would have gone completely, and it would have been a night for stargazing. But as it was I was a little restless and wanted to try to get to the topmost roof section. He boosts me and i manage to get my arms over the edge, but the edge has another ledge on top of it and I can't get a grip. I should have tried harder...I'm sure I could get up there if he gives me another boost.
I get down, landing carefully with my arm around his shoulders. This is where we try another way to get on the roof - nope. And then we check out the weird room.
alright.
After the weird room, we go inside the music building. I want to see other weird places he's discovered. And there it is -- behind a curtain in the recital hall is a tiny room. No one would ever see it, it's just about below the staircase. Hidden. A little bigger than a dog door, but my hips and shoulders pass easily through it. The room is nothing but a little concrete alcove. It is dark and dusty. It's cool.
His friend Lauren comes along to see it. He is dating a girl named Lauren, which is funny right? David tells him to take Lauren on the roof. I smile as Lauren follows the directions and disappears up the stairs.
"What do you want to do now?" David asks nonchalantly.
I examine my fingers. "I dunno. Go back and do homework I guess."
"Really?" he tests me.
"What else?"
He doesn't answer for a bit. He has to stay there and monitor the door until Lauren gets back so I hang around. He pulls out his ever-present deck of cards.
"You could teach me card tricks," I say.
"Okay," he agrees.
When we walk down the hallway to his room, the smells and sights overwhelm me. The last few times I was in his room, we ended up making out. Something about this encounter I thought whispered of it too.
We sit on his couch. "That's a lot of cards," I say, spotting at least ten decks on his desk. "Look down there," he says.
I pull out a little drawer to reveal a mess of red and blue-backed cards. "Geez..."
So he shows me the one where you spell the card, and also a better way to do the one where the audience picks a card and it goes up to the top of the deck every time. I keep trying to practice it, but his warm hand is stroking my lower back, just above my jeans, and it's kind of distracting.
Part of me is a little weirded out/annoyed/apprehensive that he does that. It's a sign he wants to touch me, caress me and eventually make out with me, but am I really that attractive? Does he only like me for my body?
But it's obvious he's done teaching tricks and my being a non-magician, it's already pushing it. He probably shouldn't be giving out his secrets anyway. I give up, put the cards down, and snuggle up to him. We talk a little. He looks at the time. Eleven o'clock. "Can I kiss you goodnight?" he asks, almost in a whisper.
He's irresistible. "Okay," I smile slightly.
He gets up and closes the door, dims the lights. Ohh kay. I see wat u did thar.
It's an hour-long goodnight kiss. He definitely tries to grab my boob though I don't think he does all of it intentionally. We kiss...and kiss, over and over, feeling each other's bodies. I guess this is the definition of makeout. At our most passionate there is only a hint of tongue. Neither of us like the tongue thing much...
I have to admit...he's sexy, I guess you could say. he's really, really good-looking, but being asian in a city of white people, it's probably a little harder to recognize because we all see "handsome" as a white guy.
My ex was not sexy. he wasn't handsome. He was simply "cute", to me. He was always "cute" and still "cute" even now that we're broken up. He'll never reach david's level. He just ... isn't good enough. I thought my standards were high. Now i know they never were. my ex-bf was cute enough that I didn't care about his horrible habits, but now I see...they're annoying. I wouldn't be able to stand them forever. david is someone different entirely and i don't think my attraction to him is just because he's a good kisser and sexier than my ex ever will be.
david ... how can i describe the way he is? in my first draft I had it down pretty well. let's keep going with this till I find an appropiate interlude.
So it's 5 to midnight now. we decide it's time to stop. The problem with me is that I'm never as cool, relaxed, as David is and I can't make out with him without wondering about how weird it is and whether i should go, homework is on my mind, etc. I realize now how good it would be to be married because then you can do whatever with your hubby and not worry about hw or whether you should go because he's all yours. It's 5 to midnight and we sit up, all chill from the experience. He says, "this is a bad habit."
I silently agree in my mind, but dangit...I say, "It's easy to break, though. once you leave, it's broken."
I get up, put on my jacket. I leave. walk back, my head strangely empty of thoughts. He's leaving in two weeks to graduate, and go back to hawaii. It seems now that we've decided to just do whatever recklessly until distance makes it impossible. I like this feeling of freedom we have together. We can hang out at night doing stuff no one else would do -- trespassing on roofs, finding secrets of the school, ending with behaviors that usually apply to couples -- all while staying single. I feel like i'm having an affair. I'd always wanted a guy who would do stuff like that with me - climbing things, etc. I just never thought that a guy like david would do that.
Two weeks ago when we first made out, I was dizzy with the possibilities and impossibility of what had happened. I was confused. Sad. Guilty? Now, I've accepted it. David and I are gonna do whatever until he leaves and we'll make the best of it.
Sunday morning, the morning after, I wake up early and take a shower, making sure my hair is clean and smells good. I put on cute clothes. Later in the car i would realize i wore almost the same thing last week, oops. Church with david. I sing on his worship team, and i did pretty well for it being in my high range, i think. a guy walks in the green room and invites the whole team to lunch, his treat. sweet ~
we drop megan off at school. he invites me to the front seat; i clamber slightly awkwardly from back to shotgun. i rate myself 6 out of 10 for delivery. Riding shotgun with david feels so good. he'd overheard me talking with a girl about my ex having mono now. does he have mono now, he wants to know?
well david's never had mono and neither have i. the day after i'd find out my ex never had mono either, so we should be safe. i do think that his indirectly confirming we did, in fact, kiss each other, is a step. he would never talk about it otherwise. then he asks about orchestra, am i joining it? the orchestra is going to hawaii next year. where he'll be.
i say i'm still thinking about it. i cite reasons such as the conductor sucks at conducting, i'm scared about transporting my cello to hawaii, and without a scholarship it'd be pointless. but of course there's hawaii who doesn't want to go there? pros are, if i get my scholarship back that's a nice 3000 a year. and, david says, "we could hang out."
I bite my lip as we get out of the car. "I don't know..."
Tempting.
The restaurant is called the onion and it's a Chili's clone. Boo. I sit across from david and we're mostly silent because the talk revolves around things I can't really get into. i notice, though, that he looks absolutely gorgeous in the half-light from between the window blinds. his amazing cheekbones and jawline stand out. his lips are perfect. i love his downcast eyes. he's wearing black, which happens a lot. slight open-neck shirt, revealing a necklace of black cord around his smooth throat. I have touched that throat before.
Wow. And then there's me, not-so-flawless skin (stupid freckles/moles), unruly waves of hair, a nose i don't really like, nonexistent makeup. but i've learned to accept myself. some people think i'm cute, so that's good enough for me most of the time. he obviously finds something attractive about me. Huh.
If i do say so myself, my eyes are nice.
Anyway, lunch ... pretty good food. we thank him for lunch. i follow david out. we go back.
that afternoon i crash his dorm's bbq. Not much to say there, though I know he saw me there and told me in his deadpan manner that I wasn't supposed to be there...I could tell he was smiling inside. well, my friends all live there. he can't really kick me out.
that night, he asks me if i want to go to his fellow trumpeter's recital. Eh, why not? but he says to come over first before we go to the music building. 7:45 I get to his room, it starts at 8. the music building is right next door. i sit down on his couch. he has been playing with his cards. he puts them down, pulls me close after a moment. I resist, but give in after a little. small awkward silence. because, yet again, he has his arm around me on my waist and stomach and it's distracting, especially when he puts his hands on my stomach -- his hands are big, and they almost cover my stomach -- asks if i have abs, a six pack. and i'm like, no! I'm not exactly an athlete.
i have a naturally flat stomach alright
he pulls me close and we're face to face. he tries to kiss me and i only half-heartedly kiss back because um, it's 7:55, what about the recital?
"What, am I boring?" he asks. Love his voice.
"No..."
"What?" he asks very softly. I don't answer.
"What?" he asks again, trying to get me to say what's bothering me.
"Nothing. I forget you never get weirded out."
"What's weird?"
I sigh.
(I think it's weird, just random kissing like that, right? Later i'd tell him it was way too close to eight and i thought we should get going. See, i'm going to train myself to just go with the flow and relax. I will never be awkward, or feel awkward.)
I'm distancing myself though, so he gives up and gets up. puts on his coat. we go to the recital. am pleasantly surprised - the guy has a beautiful smooth tone. however, like all classical music concerts, it makes me sleepy and i zone out some.
afterwards we leave and he's like, what are you gonna do now? there's a dance in warren. you could go find josh's sister
I'd totally forgotten about that, and said so. Cool, i'll go to that. He goes down to his room to change. I strip off my heavy, warm hoodie to my black tank top - probably my favorite shirt. i know i look good in it, and it's good for a dance, which I stepped into to discover it was all dark but for a few black lights and glowsticked arms. I couldn't see anything, it was so dark, couldn't make out anyone. I stood there awkwardly, trying to spot someone with her trademark frizzy-wavy hair. Someone handed me a glowstick so I put it on. She spotted me the moment david walked in, so i spent the rest of the night dancing with her -- first time i've actually ever danced at a dance party like this. she kept close and took me with her to join circles and dance crazy, made me lose inhibition. I'm not sure if knowing david was there, out of the corner of my eye, helped or hindered my momentary loss of awkwardness (i hate dancing usually, i feel like a fool) but i liked knowing he was there. i danced my hardest with 'hot n cold' and 'party in the usa'....yeah....i feel like that every time he might have saw me, it was during a stupid song where i couldn't think of anything to do dance-wise.
at 11, it was over. i chilled with her outside on couches. david was inside with the other RAs, moving the couches back to where they were supposed to be, pre-dance. at 11:30, i decided to go back and perhaps finish that homework i never did. there was no one in the lounge. i was slightly disappointed - i didn't get to say bye.
i get back to my dorm. timestamped 11:33 is an IM and a text and he's all like, did u leave? Yeah you weren't there. I was there! i didn't see you. i was probably moving stuff. I'm going to shower now. swing back after ur shower.
Umm no, i'm not going anywhere. i dunno what he had in mind, but ... eh, that's too late...
i went to bed, trying not to think about the way he tried to kiss me that night. not that i didn't like it, it's just that...why?
i never did do that homework.
Kovva Community Member 
|
|
