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thoughts from lalaland

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mole killin'
finally going about mole-killing the right way!

1. mole scraped with file
2. tiny piece of cotton pulled from q-tip and rolled into tiny ball, soaked in apple cider vinegar
3. sized and placed on mole, taped in place with scotch tape

it kinda burns. this is the first time i'm doing it exactly like the instructions said to, instead of picking at it and letting it scab over. those leave weird dark smudgy scars and sometimes the moles come back. I wish science knew more about moles so I could kill them better. I wish my genetics didn't give me moles. I wish i had flawless skin like, oh, EVERY CELEBRITY EVER. Except amy winehouse

chatting on tsc
17:57:29 ‹DoNuT› mixed babies are beautiful
17:57:34 ‹DoNuT› or thats the stereotype
17:57:34 ‹talywa› that is a lie
17:57:38 ‹talywa› my brother is ugly
17:57:50 ‹DoNuT› LOL


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herp derp
/for the easter event

a snippet of luau:

Solomon hit on me like three times, (like, not literally,) once rubbing shoulders against me -- he's a solid guy, in pretty good shape, and every day is haka for him, but he puts on a really good gay act..."Hey, you did great out there today," he says in a soft sultry voice, grinning, white teeth bright against his dark face. He has long eyelashes and a mess of hair that used to be short but now brushes his ears. He wears a purple hawaiian shirt -- what happened to your haka costume? I guess I should be thankful he wasn't nearly-naked-with-baby-oil-and-sharpie if he's gonna rub up against my bare shoulder.

Silly guy...I won't, can't take him seriously, but he cheers me up. whee

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First, a note -- i had this huge long entry but somehow it didn't post. i had saved half in a word document, otherwise i wouldn't have bothered to reconstruct this -___-


He showed me the roof of the music building, this time. It was awesome. Go up the back stairs, up up up to a lonely grey door, push it open. There is a room there full of steam pipes, cooling systems, vents, grey metal boxes dusty with whoknowswhat, paint on the floor crunching beneath my feet. He was completely relaxed there, in the darkness. I said I was scared, said I didn't like the dark, or weird noises and tiny glowing lights. He laughed at me, pulled me to him and I clung to him, asked him why was that funny, what was he afraid of?

"The little roly-poly bugs," he said, "I hate them..."

Pillbugs! Yeah, that's his fear. Pillbugs can't hide in the shadows and jump out at you.

"I'm going to do something you're really gonna hate me for," he says


He leaves me and walks over to the wall and flips the switch. Instantly everything's illuminated in light.

"Aww geez..."

I walk around - I'm fascinated by weird stuff like this, alien structures that make weird noises, unseen machines heating and cooling this ugly, lego-brick building.

Finally we leave the room to get on the roof.

(i'll confess now, we actually explored the weird room after we went on the roof.)

The roof is accessed by a door inside the weird room. Step over the doorjamb and find yourself in a space between two sections of raised roof. A large machine blocks most of the space, but if you crawl under it (it's on stilts of sorts) and slip between the wide vents you'll find yourself on the flat roof on one side of the building. The roof is paved with a strange white material and dotted with small chimney vent things. Over any edge you can see the whole campus, and since it's 9:30 pm not too many people are out and about. I duck whenever a car moves, though. He strides upright, unafraid. The roof has small shallow depressions that puddle with the day's rainwater, and polluted by fallen pine needles.

He sits down against the wall, slides down so he's sitting on the roof's white pavement. I sit down next to him. He puts his hand on my waist and pulls me close to him and we chill there, my head on his chest, my whole body turned towards him.

We talk. The place is beautiful and I like the way I can see the tall pines from my spot, but only the top half - it's weird not seeing the bare-shaven trunks beneath them, and actually being able to see the tops easily. The power lines are at eye-level. Cars roll by on the road below, unseen. If we'd stayed out a little longer, I think the wispy clouds would have gone completely, and it would have been a night for stargazing. But as it was I was a little restless and wanted to try to get to the topmost roof section. He boosts me and i manage to get my arms over the edge, but the edge has another ledge on top of it and I can't get a grip. I should have tried harder...I'm sure I could get up there if he gives me another boost.

I get down, landing carefully with my arm around his shoulders. This is where we try another way to get on the roof - nope. And then we check out the weird room.


After the weird room, we go inside the music building. I want to see other weird places he's discovered. And there it is -- behind a curtain in the recital hall is a tiny room. No one would ever see it, it's just about below the staircase. Hidden. A little bigger than a dog door, but my hips and shoulders pass easily through it. The room is nothing but a little concrete alcove. It is dark and dusty. It's cool.

His friend Lauren comes along to see it. He is dating a girl named Lauren, which is funny right? David tells him to take Lauren on the roof. I smile as Lauren follows the directions and disappears up the stairs.

"What do you want to do now?" David asks nonchalantly.

I examine my fingers. "I dunno. Go back and do homework I guess."

"Really?" he tests me.

"What else?"

He doesn't answer for a bit. He has to stay there and monitor the door until Lauren gets back so I hang around. He pulls out his ever-present deck of cards.

"You could teach me card tricks," I say.

"Okay," he agrees.

When we walk down the hallway to his room, the smells and sights overwhelm me. The last few times I was in his room, we ended up making out. Something about this encounter I thought whispered of it too.

We sit on his couch. "That's a lot of cards," I say, spotting at least ten decks on his desk. "Look down there," he says.

I pull out a little drawer to reveal a mess of red and blue-backed cards. "Geez..."

So he shows me the one where you spell the card, and also a better way to do the one where the audience picks a card and it goes up to the top of the deck every time. I keep trying to practice it, but his warm hand is stroking my lower back, just above my jeans, and it's kind of distracting.

Part of me is a little weirded out/annoyed/apprehensive that he does that. It's a sign he wants to touch me, caress me and eventually make out with me, but am I really that attractive? Does he only like me for my body?

But it's obvious he's done teaching tricks and my being a non-magician, it's already pushing it. He probably shouldn't be giving out his secrets anyway. I give up, put the cards down, and snuggle up to him. We talk a little. He looks at the time. Eleven o'clock. "Can I kiss you goodnight?" he asks, almost in a whisper.

He's irresistible. "Okay," I smile slightly.

He gets up and closes the door, dims the lights. Ohh kay. I see wat u did thar.

It's an hour-long goodnight kiss. He definitely tries to grab my boob though I don't think he does all of it intentionally. We kiss...and kiss, over and over, feeling each other's bodies. I guess this is the definition of makeout. At our most passionate there is only a hint of tongue. Neither of us like the tongue thing much...

I have to admit...he's sexy, I guess you could say. he's really, really good-looking, but being asian in a city of white people, it's probably a little harder to recognize because we all see "handsome" as a white guy.

My ex was not sexy. he wasn't handsome. He was simply "cute", to me. He was always "cute" and still "cute" even now that we're broken up. He'll never reach david's level. He just ... isn't good enough. I thought my standards were high. Now i know they never were. my ex-bf was cute enough that I didn't care about his horrible habits, but now I see...they're annoying. I wouldn't be able to stand them forever. david is someone different entirely and i don't think my attraction to him is just because he's a good kisser and sexier than my ex ever will be.

david ... how can i describe the way he is? in my first draft I had it down pretty well. let's keep going with this till I find an appropiate interlude.

So it's 5 to midnight now. we decide it's time to stop. The problem with me is that I'm never as cool, relaxed, as David is and I can't make out with him without wondering about how weird it is and whether i should go, homework is on my mind, etc. I realize now how good it would be to be married because then you can do whatever with your hubby and not worry about hw or whether you should go because he's all yours. It's 5 to midnight and we sit up, all chill from the experience. He says, "this is a bad habit."

I silently agree in my mind, but dangit...I say, "It's easy to break, though. once you leave, it's broken."

I get up, put on my jacket. I leave. walk back, my head strangely empty of thoughts. He's leaving in two weeks to graduate, and go back to hawaii. It seems now that we've decided to just do whatever recklessly until distance makes it impossible. I like this feeling of freedom we have together. We can hang out at night doing stuff no one else would do -- trespassing on roofs, finding secrets of the school, ending with behaviors that usually apply to couples -- all while staying single. I feel like i'm having an affair. I'd always wanted a guy who would do stuff like that with me - climbing things, etc. I just never thought that a guy like david would do that.

Two weeks ago when we first made out, I was dizzy with the possibilities and impossibility of what had happened. I was confused. Sad. Guilty? Now, I've accepted it. David and I are gonna do whatever until he leaves and we'll make the best of it.

Sunday morning, the morning after, I wake up early and take a shower, making sure my hair is clean and smells good. I put on cute clothes. Later in the car i would realize i wore almost the same thing last week, oops. Church with david. I sing on his worship team, and i did pretty well for it being in my high range, i think. a guy walks in the green room and invites the whole team to lunch, his treat. sweet ~

we drop megan off at school. he invites me to the front seat; i clamber slightly awkwardly from back to shotgun. i rate myself 6 out of 10 for delivery. Riding shotgun with david feels so good. he'd overheard me talking with a girl about my ex having mono now. does he have mono now, he wants to know?

well david's never had mono and neither have i. the day after i'd find out my ex never had mono either, so we should be safe. i do think that his indirectly confirming we did, in fact, kiss each other, is a step. he would never talk about it otherwise. then he asks about orchestra, am i joining it? the orchestra is going to hawaii next year. where he'll be.

i say i'm still thinking about it. i cite reasons such as the conductor sucks at conducting, i'm scared about transporting my cello to hawaii, and without a scholarship it'd be pointless. but of course there's hawaii who doesn't want to go there? pros are, if i get my scholarship back that's a nice 3000 a year. and, david says, "we could hang out."

I bite my lip as we get out of the car. "I don't know..."


The restaurant is called the onion and it's a Chili's clone. Boo. I sit across from david and we're mostly silent because the talk revolves around things I can't really get into. i notice, though, that he looks absolutely gorgeous in the half-light from between the window blinds. his amazing cheekbones and jawline stand out. his lips are perfect. i love his downcast eyes. he's wearing black, which happens a lot. slight open-neck shirt, revealing a necklace of black cord around his smooth throat. I have touched that throat before.

Wow. And then there's me, not-so-flawless skin (stupid freckles/moles), unruly waves of hair, a nose i don't really like, nonexistent makeup. but i've learned to accept myself. some people think i'm cute, so that's good enough for me most of the time. he obviously finds something attractive about me. Huh.

If i do say so myself, my eyes are nice.

Anyway, lunch ... pretty good food. we thank him for lunch. i follow david out. we go back.

that afternoon i crash his dorm's bbq. Not much to say there, though I know he saw me there and told me in his deadpan manner that I wasn't supposed to be there...I could tell he was smiling inside. well, my friends all live there. he can't really kick me out.

that night, he asks me if i want to go to his fellow trumpeter's recital. Eh, why not? but he says to come over first before we go to the music building. 7:45 I get to his room, it starts at 8. the music building is right next door. i sit down on his couch. he has been playing with his cards. he puts them down, pulls me close after a moment. I resist, but give in after a little. small awkward silence. because, yet again, he has his arm around me on my waist and stomach and it's distracting, especially when he puts his hands on my stomach -- his hands are big, and they almost cover my stomach -- asks if i have abs, a six pack. and i'm like, no! I'm not exactly an athlete.

i have a naturally flat stomach alright

he pulls me close and we're face to face. he tries to kiss me and i only half-heartedly kiss back because um, it's 7:55, what about the recital?

"What, am I boring?" he asks. Love his voice.


"What?" he asks very softly. I don't answer.

"What?" he asks again, trying to get me to say what's bothering me.

"Nothing. I forget you never get weirded out."

"What's weird?"

I sigh.

(I think it's weird, just random kissing like that, right? Later i'd tell him it was way too close to eight and i thought we should get going. See, i'm going to train myself to just go with the flow and relax. I will never be awkward, or feel awkward.)

I'm distancing myself though, so he gives up and gets up. puts on his coat. we go to the recital. am pleasantly surprised - the guy has a beautiful smooth tone. however, like all classical music concerts, it makes me sleepy and i zone out some.

afterwards we leave and he's like, what are you gonna do now? there's a dance in warren. you could go find josh's sister

I'd totally forgotten about that, and said so. Cool, i'll go to that. He goes down to his room to change. I strip off my heavy, warm hoodie to my black tank top - probably my favorite shirt. i know i look good in it, and it's good for a dance, which I stepped into to discover it was all dark but for a few black lights and glowsticked arms. I couldn't see anything, it was so dark, couldn't make out anyone. I stood there awkwardly, trying to spot someone with her trademark frizzy-wavy hair. Someone handed me a glowstick so I put it on. She spotted me the moment david walked in, so i spent the rest of the night dancing with her -- first time i've actually ever danced at a dance party like this. she kept close and took me with her to join circles and dance crazy, made me lose inhibition. I'm not sure if knowing david was there, out of the corner of my eye, helped or hindered my momentary loss of awkwardness (i hate dancing usually, i feel like a fool) but i liked knowing he was there. i danced my hardest with 'hot n cold' and 'party in the usa'....yeah....i feel like that every time he might have saw me, it was during a stupid song where i couldn't think of anything to do dance-wise.

at 11, it was over. i chilled with her outside on couches. david was inside with the other RAs, moving the couches back to where they were supposed to be, pre-dance. at 11:30, i decided to go back and perhaps finish that homework i never did. there was no one in the lounge. i was slightly disappointed - i didn't get to say bye.

i get back to my dorm. timestamped 11:33 is an IM and a text and he's all like, did u leave? Yeah you weren't there. I was there! i didn't see you. i was probably moving stuff. I'm going to shower now. swing back after ur shower.

Umm no, i'm not going anywhere. i dunno what he had in mind, but ... eh, that's too late...

i went to bed, trying not to think about the way he tried to kiss me that night. not that i didn't like it, it's just that...why?

i never did do that homework.

oh ----- it happened again
oh ------ it happened again

he's tricky.

after rehearsal for ben's composition, he was gonna take me back to my dorm with cello - but he realizes he doesn't have his keys. i put the cello in the car - he makes a slight indication i should follow him, with word or gesture i don't remember now, so i follow him down to his room. that fateful room. i stand there, half-in, half-out, while he fidgets/looks for keys, but he says, you can come in, you know. i come in and sit down; the door swings shut behind me. then he sits down and says i should have some tea, it needs to be drunk. i pour some in a clean-looking cup. it smells like dish soap and tastes like bland water. while i'm hesitantly tasting it he leans back on his couch and brings up that night.

(hours later, i'm wondering now if his "lost keys" was just a set-up so i'd have to be in his room and discuss this.)
(i thought he was going to put it behind him, thought that night was the last night and we would just hang out and have fun until he left.)

"what are your feelings on it" he asks me and pours himself some tea.

"i dunno" and i hem and haw and generally remain silent and try not to wrinkle my nose at the so-called tea. i play with my hoodie zipper. i call him out though because he keeps asking me questions yet offers no insights of his own on the night.

all i get out of him is that he's confused about it. that's something, at least. we're both in the same boat. like, i asked him later as i lay in his arms, you said that if you weren't graduating you'd start to like me. what is all this? and he said, i'm confused

one thing i've realized...if you're unsure about someone, kissing them like that will only make it worse. no clarity offered here. and have i ever realized it...

kissing him kind of opened my mind to the possibility that i liked him and just hid it behind my feelings of "this is awkward" and "hanging out with david is always a little tense"

but then again, those feelings should be normal because david is so mysterious and is a senior and other surrounding things.

we're sitting across from each other and by now i've put down the cup with the weird tea. he leans forward, puts out his hands - i'm obviously meant to take them. he pulls me into him but i defer to sitting by his side. okay...cuddle time, i guess. i'm up for that. we talk a little and we're horizontal a little faster this time. i like the way he takes his time. i like that we can be chest to chest, leg over leg over leg, and he still hasn't tried to kiss me. i'm in the green hoodie, white tank top, black shorts, flip flops. so i look good, i know it. my shorts are so short...his hand goes places nate never did. i would rather he not feel my underwear. he might've once or twice while we were kissing - again, he's tricky.

kissing happened like last time, very slow. at least the light was a little better, with it streaming in his basement windows, a sunset light. i loved the feel of my legs, bare and free, over his jeans. it's more awkward this time. he keeps pushing me a certain way and i'm not sure how i'm supposed to move. i feel like this time it was a little more physical - and yeah, he said, 'this is really shallow' and i agreed and he said again, 'this is shallow...'


but neither of us stopped. he kissed me and i kissed back and after a while he thought the blinds needed to be closed. i volunteer so i kick off my flipflops, nimbly leap on his bed and fiddle with the blind thingies...doesn't work. i am very aware it is his bed. it is hawaiian-print. he gets on beside me, manages to close them. i'm sitting there in awe and he pulls me, very gently, horizontal once again, so...we kiss on his bed. except my hair is all over the place, in his face, in my face. even more physical. he pushes me this way and that...confusing. he grabs my hip, grabs my leg just where it meets my butt, pulls my legs up into his, pulls me to him hard. kisses me hard. it feels so good, but i keep stopping and trying to look into his eyes, wondering if he feels the same hesitation i do.

when i'm kissing him, i think that we were meant to be, that i have finally found a soulmate, a guy who would not be like all the guys i've ever crushed on, that he's a worthwhile guy to be with, that i might ... be in love with him

when i pull away and look at him i remind myself we can't be together because he's going back to hawaii for grad school -- he's graduating, he's leaving, and i'll still be here another two years because that's how pathetic i am.

he looks back at me expressionlessly, as best as i can tell, and pulls me to him once more. i submit, i melt into him -- and i feel it again, that we could be so good together...

i won't deny it -- he is good-looking. maybe even sexy. he has a great build. great arms, i love his hands, they're so smooth and strong. he's practically perfect. he mumbles a little while doing his magic stuff, and he never talks about himself...but wow. and again, why pick me, right? why me?

i want to tell someone about this, see them be amazed, confused, happy? disgusted? who can i tell? what can i do?

please, i don't want to like him just because he likes me, or pays attention to me, or because he is amazing at kissing and has a good body. perhaps i do like him, but it has been buried beneath the nagging doubts that i really just like him for one of the previous, so i just take those as truth...

he's amazing, though, i can't deny that...

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kissing david
Geez i never post entries on gaia.

But i want this entry to exist, so I can read it. I want it to exist, but in a place where my school friends would never see it. Maybe some day in the future, they'll come on, and read it, but by then, this would be old news and would have no relation to the present. But in my present, right now, for the rest of the school year, it will be significant.

You know I broke up with my boyfriend of three months. My first. And it was weird because I wasn't sad or anything, it just seemed like -- enough, a necessity. His name was Nate. But I don't want to talk about Nate, he's old news. David is what I want to talk about, David who tried to be friends last year but it was just weird, David, with whom I did not become real friends until the middle of nate and I's relationship. David, master trumpet player, senior, amazing magician, smooth as anything, everyone's friend, but so mysterious. Nothing can ruffle his feathers. David was the one who wanted to be friends in the first place and it took me too long to reciprocate. Now that I know him I wish we'd been friends much earlier.

So we'd have more time together.

Nate was like the whitest boy, ever.
David is japanese, hailing from hawaii.
they're two very different people. david never gets awkward, or weirded out by anything, and is very honest and blunt at times, like me, and it catches me off guard. he's mysterious, he doesn't reveal his secrets -- (but he did show me two card tricks -- he thinks i'd be good at it.) doesn't say what doesn't need to be said.
nate gets awkwarded out often, he always fills silences i consider pleasant silences with random "Yeah"s or chatter that doesn't require my participation. I wish he'd relaxed a little?

David and I started hanging out late at night, just exploring weird places he'd been told existed. and talking, we talked a lot --

and i was his lovely assistant for his first professional gig, and after, he treated me to a late-night snack at an impossibly fancy place. we talked so much about my boyfriend - i would break up with nate three days later.

last night, though, was just another friday night, it'd been two or three weeks since nate and i broke up. i was bored and hoping david was up to doing something, hoping he'd text me - awesome, he did. he'd found a new place. a large drainage pipe that was very dry.

you know what, let's skip.

we end up on a beat-up couch in a half-abandoned storage basement in his dorm. i feel the urge to talk about our relationship. though i didn't mean for it to be a dtr, i guess, in the end, it was one. i said that i hoped i wasn't leading him on.

by this, i meant to imply he liked me, but i didn't like him back.

he answered by saying something about how if he weren't graduating, he would begin to like me. and in uncertain terms, he asked if i liked him like that, and i said i don't know.

'let's try a little experiment,' he said, putting his arm around me, forcing me to lean into him. i adjusted myself. i said, 'is this supposed to change my mind?'

'no, just an experiment.'

long story short, we kept going back and forth about us, me, him, and the cuddling that just got more and more cuddly-like. we talked about us and nate and me and him and cuddling and we didn't get anywhere. i was lying on his chest at one poit and he said, it's hot, let's go to my room.

we did. and we continued the cuddle thing, lying side by side, talking some more.

you know, he kept asking if i liked it, liked being close to him like that. i was uneasy, answering uneasily, 'i like it, yeah...' but thinking, who wouldn't? but i couldn't say that aloud. i couldn't be sure if i liked him like that, or if i was just liking the human contact, or if i was just pathetic and lonely. i couldn't answer him straight, but i remained there, unwilling to get up and leave him.

his room was dark, and he didn't turn on the light. this is where i began to feel like i was in a dream, and it wasn't real.

we lay together on his couch for what seemed like hours and hours. we were so close, chest to chest, legs intertwined and our arms on each other's sides and backs.

after a while we just stopped talking -- conversation got sparser until it completely disappeared except for an occasional "don't fall asleep!" from him.

sleeping in a guy's room with the doors closed is a punishable offense, and he's an RA.

somehow we'd ended up facing each other, nose to nose just about. well maybe nose to my forehead. we stayed like this for what seemed like hours to me -- time had stopped for me completely.

i felt something on my nose...his lips. i hate i hate i hate being kissed on the nose, so i pull away, and there it is again -- stop that. i lift my chin, and i pretty much know what's going to happen, even though i can't see his face at all, the room is so dark. closer, closer -- i feel his lips next to mine. just a graze, another graze, explorative. i lean in just a little. our lips touch just slightly and part. my eyes are closed now, like it makes any difference.

our lips meet in the middle and it's a kiss. i am suddenly aware that his hand is up my dress, touching my bare side and back, feeling the smooth curve of my waist and hip and where my jeans begin just below that. Feels good. sneaky. he's quick, he's a magician after all.

more kisses. we kiss each other. his lips are so soft and gentle, no hint of teeth at all. perfect. i kiss him back as gentle as i can, slowly, sweetly. my eyes are shut tight. like it matters. i can't see his face. i can't even imagine what he looks like because i've always been so afraid to look full into his eyes. plus his hair used to always cover them until he cut it like two weeks ago. his stomach is nice, firm under his t-shirt.

he told me once he doesn't like making out...i said as much.

and there is a little tongue but it doesn't go far at all, just a teaser. our tongues touch. we go back to normal kissing. slow and sweet and soft and amazing.

when he said he was experienced...i didn't ever imagine i would get to experience it.

nate never kissed like this, he was always wanting more, always kissing me so hard and fast. which i liked in a way (more like, i had to survive it and hope my lips didn't get mashed against my front teeth), but now that i know how david does it, i prefer this a million times more. but maybe it's because david and i aren't even together, and we were experimenting, with no obligations in mind, dreamlike. ours was pure, an expression of tentative love. we, with our feelings for each other still so unsure.

at his most intense david was classy about it. where nate would push himself down on me, david would only intensify a kiss a little, so i had room to move or even fricken breathe (sorry, remembering how nate did it, i did not like that part), and grip my back just a little tighter, a little more protective. i brought my hand to his cheek and felt the sharp jawline and defined cheekbone there. at his most intense i was so into him i barely registered that he'd shoved his hand into my jeans' back pocket (the one with the ID card lol). but it felt good. i would never have let nate do that. i would never have let nate put his hand on my bare side under my shirt either. but with david, it was ok. it was good. it felt wonderful.i only pushed his hand down when i could feel him grazing my bra strap, not cool.

so the point of all that?

david is amazing. all my life i've gotten crushes on nerds with social problems. how crappy is that? nate was ok, but after a while his constant fidgeting and awkwardness got to me. david is just so up there i would never have dared to crush on him before, but being friends, and hanging out just the two of us, might have unconsciously opened my mind and opened my heart.

when i read an article talking about asian-white couples and why it happens -- (part of which is pretty much anyone is socialized to think whites are superior) -- i vowed that i would stop filtering my crush-radar to only white boys. in the next two days after reading the article i realized so much about david.

the only problem was he was graduating right? and relationships...i was done with those for a while.

but the way he'd ask me to hang out at weird late times

--he said it's cuz no one else stays up that late, and his close friends are all off-campus

and just, things he did, the way he thinks and acts, his manner, so different from every guy i've known, so unlike all the white boys here

and me being half-asian, i get it, being asian, growing up like that and seeing two cultures from within, gives me good perspective. so i think we'd be more compatible than me and nate, who was taking mandarin class, but just didn't get it...there's something about david that no one else has.

so, kissing. a gentle exploration of the sensation when our lips meet. in a lull, i rolled off the couch and on the floor, kneeling - i was so dizzy. dizzy with him, dizzy with lying down, dizzy with rolling to a sitting position...

we hadn't said anything since we started that. i think we were both kind of shell-shocked. i put on my jacket.

we'd agreed, on the beat-up sofa, that this cuddling thing would only be for tonight, and not ever again. because we can't be together if he's graduating and going to back to hawaii for grad school. he sits up on the sofa and i know he's looking at me, laughing a little as i put on the jacket, not sure why. "this is the last time," he says out of the darkness.

I pause.

"Yeah," i say, confusion already shooting through my head, wondering what i felt for him, if i should be sorry, ecstatic, heartbroken, guilty? "Get some sleep," i say, and manage to not stumble outside. i close the door. i know he's still sitting on the sofa but i can't see anything but black because the lights of the hallway are so blinding.

i walk very slowly back to my dorm. it is 3:10 am. my hoodie's hood is up -- i'm trying to hide from the world, just trying to sort out like, what just happened?!

i kissed david. i kissed the guy and i still wasn't sure what i felt about him. he kissed me and he says if he were a junior he would "start to like me" but i swear, he already did, a little.

just before the kissing part happened we were lying there, chest to chest and i said, 'i guess i must like you in some way because otherwise this would not be happening.'

i kissed him. he kissed me -- we kissed many times. we were so close and his hands felt so good on my skin. his lips felt so perfect on mine. he was so warm, his arms so smooth and strong. we did this. he's graduating. and i'm supposed to "just hang out" with him until he graduates, and then, in his words, "you'll never see me again".

kissing was so sweet, so bittersweet, felt so right, felt so dreamy, can't describe it, but i know, it was better than anything nate and i had.

i wonder what he's thinking about it...

Slumdog Millionaire
Okay so I managed to find a full version online even before the dvds were out...

Watched it.

Didn't understand how it won so many oscars.

Jamal's cool, escaping like that, being a chaiwalla - still don't understand how he got onto the show, really...and still don't understand how his love for Latika was so strong - left over from childhood? but still, we don't see enough of their bond in the movie, so that by the end you wonder at their trust in one another, but it's a good wonder. It makes the ending so much more magical, especially because it ends with a kiss, like all good fairytales. As for Salim...that was weird, dude. Salim's such a jerk. But why does he see fit to help Jamal in the end? A last-moment heartwarming? I dun get it...

But the dance at the end redeemed everything, I'm going to rewatch it with new eyes and simply enjoy the beauty of the film itself, locale, camera angles and all that. Dev Patel is quite good. I'll let it carry me away.

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