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Okay, well an old ex friend came over to bring me my stuff. Weird thing is she was acting like we were friends again which makes me wonder if she wanted to be friends again. She told me shes going to a BSB concert and honestly I am so happy for her. Sadly, she told me she hasn't listened to music in forever so I feel bad for her.
She writes in her journal about all of her feelings and I'm stoked that they are the same feelings and things that I have been through.

I had the dreams, feeling dead, suicidal, lost, so many things that remind me of her and so many random times I want to show her something or tell her something. I had EVERYTHING she has posted that she's been through.

She said its been a while since shes listened to DBSK I think.... not 100% sure but I know one thing ever since we ended our friendship I can not stand taylor swift. When she comes on the radio I'M like OMG STFU. -switch stations-

When I read her last journal I had to talk to my aunt cause I was confused myself about how I felt about this. I mean it makes me feel like s**t when she posts a new journal cause it has something about wishing she had never met me but honestly I LOVE reading what she has to say.

Honestly I have no idea if we are ever going to be friends in the future.

The good thing out of all of this is that it doesn't hurt to see her name or hear about her or talk about her (no not in a bad way-.- wink so I am good on that part. If I talk to her on the phone (cause I found something of hers) or a pm then I'm kool. However, Seeing her face to face is still a little awkward for me.

I have no idea if she is supposed to become just a memory or to still be in my life. Even if I bumb into her at the mall or something that is what i meant by being in my life. I don't mean being close or anything.

Do I want to be friends? Honestly I don't know. I WANT TO cause I miss her to death and i miss the friendship we use to have and I miss having the only one person I can talk to about ANYTHING. However, I have no clue how we would be around each other.

So I am so confused about this whole situation. I know we BOTH are still healing and I have no clue if when she walked out the door if she went crying into her bf's arms.
She seemed okay but she's good at putting a fake appearance on. I have no idea if shes being friendly or meaning it. I was even surprised when she gave my mom a hug. I wanted to give her a hug that one other time when she took MOST of her things. But I felt like If i was to even try she'd slap the s**t out of me. So I didn't hug her this time. i am just giving her her space.

To me a long time ago she made it pretty clear to NEVER EVER come into contact with her and now its like today she was so....friendly....wtf? I thought this was done with. I thought I was never going to hear from her again. And then she messaged me when my aunt was in the hospital. I thought that was kind but it still shocked me.

I guess all I can do is just keep my distance from her since I am so unsure as to wtf all of this is. I can't even decipher how many months has passed. I wanna say 5 cause thats how long it feels but honestly I dunno anymore and I don't care. I know time has passed because I am healing.

I'm so glad she is okay and her family which i claim as my own still to this very day. I love her family and I will always hold them dear to my heart. If any of them end up in the hospital I would want to be there so bad. And I would try in a heartbeat... if I knew.

New Subject: hmmmm me and ap used to talk about everything so I wonder if she is not a virgin anymore. I still am. And James loves me he told me a week ago. Me and him are closer than ever. He supports me and my phone O_O XD. He calls me EVERY night and we hang out a lot.

If me and ap ever DID become friends I think we could handle this more maturely. She's got a bf and I have one so We wouldn't be up each others a** all the time.

Heathers moving to Cali and I'm happy for her. One day, maybe I can move back up there where I was the happiest at to begin with. I love all my friends down here James and James are ******** awesome as well as heather. Heather is supposed to come back from Cali and I can not wait till that time passes by.

Who knows where the future will take you.