I was suppose to write this on 3/6/06 but I am too depressed to wait!
No one really knows the real me! One person alive does know me and he loves me but the problem is he lives in massachusetts! Far from Texas! It wil take me about three years until I meet him in person. But the sad thing is that I am afraid I will fade into the sunlight, because I have no boyfriend here. And just seeing couples makes matters very bad for me. If you saw me at school depressed you would know. Because I am not the person who is smiling and always hugging you or punching you. I am afraid of myself! I cover every feeling I have great because I don't want anyone to see me cry or punch someone out! I may get annoying sometimes but that is because I cover myself up that much! My real self I am scared to be! The two people that know me well is Chris and my dead grandpa! My grandpa's death I believe because that day the very day he died was the day I was picked on for what my true self was! So I promised I would never be myself again. For almost 4 years I have been a person other people want in me to be. I have been talking the way people want me to talk. The music other want me to listen to. A smile has never left my face ! A person crying I would cheer them up. I do anything for my friends that never changes for my true self! My true self I am embrassed about! I guess because of of my worring. I worry too much and I don't want to end up as my sister always crying at night and sleeping with a bat under the pillow.
I sall say this with my true self! I am Victoria R. I love anime! I love rock and J-POP! I speak some Japanse but only enough to get me by! I love many colors and some pink but only dark shades of it! And I am a girl that believes love can kill you if you don't know how to say it to the one you love! I believe I am here for one reason and that reason is to save someone's heart from dying! I love the rain! I love to go out on quiet nights to a beach and look at the stars and think about things no one would ever think! I hate the world for destoring the earth! I like to grow plants[but I kill them] I love art and everytime I have a great or bad feeling my way is to draw it or write it and rip it up and let the wind blow it away! I am only strong because a long time ago my cousin was playing around with me and I was little and he tried to rape me! I tried to get away but he was too strong. But one of my other cousins saved me from being almost fully raped, but I was still raped! So till that day I promised I would be strong to be able to kick his a** the next time I see him. Which I have told no one about this because I was afraid and only 9 at the time! But with time I forgot about it but I still became strong! So guys watch it! I am sentive and take many things seroiusly! I hate being tricked with people telling they love me but it was a dare! What I feel is no one likes me and they like me dead. Which I sometimes feel like ending it, but I must keep me promises! I keep promises if only it doesn't have to do with a friend going to be hurt or something someone has the RIGHT to know! I do lie but later I feel bad about it and have nightmares! Most of the time people tell me I am ugly and have a big nose but you know what has anyone told you it doesn't matter what the outside is like but the inside! I like two guys Chris and Travis! Chris I love but I need someone with me at all times, but I promise if I have a bf I would never talk about him, even on how much I love him! Travis is like a brother to me but for some reason he seems nice and fun to talk to and laugh with. But other times I feel he rather have me dead and found in a dich somewere. I know he doesn't mean if he had a gun he would shoot me, I get it but some parts of me tell me he just rather see me dead or was never his friend! My life to me has been a waste! But parts of it makes me feel happy and smile! Those parts were 4 years ago! Now my life is dead and gone! So please if you want to know the real me I will change! But I can't fully become my self until I go to my grandpa's grave on 3/6/06 and cry out loud "I WANT TO BE FREE!" I want to do this because no one really cared who or what I was when I was little but my grandpa was always there! I love you grandpa and thank you! As the rest to those who are reading this please comment if you don't I may fade! So please!
-Victoria Rose R.
"Illya Rose Angel"
 anime_fairy_freak · Sat Feb 25, 2006 @ 05:13am · 0 Comments |
