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I spend my life constantly avoiding the truth. I am in constant denial of my good points. I think way too much and I ask questions way too often. Every question I ask in unnecessary. I am in a constant think, think, think stage when I should just live. I hate myself for these things. I hate self petty. It disgusts me as I disgust myself. I care more of the opinions of others than my own safety, although my priorities are straight and wise. I can’t get my life together. I list these flaws to myself to see what I truly think of myself. My mind is full of hatred, regret, fear, and emptiness. I can always find myself trying to escape reality. I write out my keys to the new dimension, private to myself, locking everyone and thing living and dead alike. I escape in my writing, losing myself. I seem to forget my problems and drift to a new time and place. It is a box. The only way I can describe it is cold, empty and lonely. The person I hate the most is my companion, my shadow as much as myself accompanying me. The limited space is all I need. I have a permanent marker, close my eyes place the tip to a surface of my compact sanctuary and move my arm in circles. I do this for hours. Expanding my space. Compelling my mind to move and continue to wonder. I have gone on for 3 days now. It may not make sense in reality, although it does in my world. I suddenly stop. I look at the floor and realize I have drawn letters and read them. I realize it was not my hand writing, as a matter of fact it is in a different color. It includes the letters L.O.N.E.L.Y. in big white bold letters. I look around for who it could have been written by. I look every where and come back to the spot where I saw it. I don’t see the letters anymore. I look forward at the wall to see my shadow pointing at me with a white marker. He holds it out as if trying to give it to me or point at something. I reach out and take the marker. The shadow continues to point, although this time not at me, but behind me. I turn around and see a mirror then I look back toward the wall to see my shadow is gone. I turn back and walk to the mirror the shadow had pointed to. I see no reflection. I don’t know why, but I start to cry. I feel invisible seeing nothing. I stand there, invisible, wipe my eyes and look again. This time I see everyone I knew. They seem happy, but I stand there, invisible to them, I wonder why. I look closely and see another boy. He was definitely not a friend of mine. He later on turns around and I find myself in disbelief. I see there, standing before me. Myself. I hate seeing this. Seeing him and his stupid little smug face and being the only one who sees me. I grab the white marker and tried to scratch myself out. Everyone continued with whatever they appeared to have been doing earlier. I start bashing my fists against the glass shouting at the top of my lungs, ''I HATE YOU.'' He chuckles being the only one able to hear me. I hate myself even more now. I find myself at the other side of the room, curled up in a ball looking at the mirror. I stay there, Invisible, lonely, unhappy, and cold. I hate myself so much. I wish I could escape. Escape. Escape to anywhere with people who didn’t know me.
 Kaizath · Sat Jun 26, 2010 @ 12:47pm · 1 Comments |
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