Mood: Off.
Song: How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep - Bombay Bicycle Club
Can I wake you up? Can I wake you up?
Is it late enough?
Nothing is wrong,
But nothing is right.
It's just oh idk,
One of those nights?
Like my mind seems to wander,
Because I feel like this is the first time I've been alone in such a long time.
I really just need this last week to go by.
I really just need for it to be 6:40 PM, July 20th.
I really just need to be at the airport,
Anticipating my best friends arrival.
I just need to feel the excitement of sitting there,
Waiting helplessly,
Because time won't speed up whatsoever.
I just...
I dunno.
I just feel like I need to have purpose put back into my life.
For the last seven months,
I've felt like I have no need to be around.
Everyone has something to do,
And all those things don't need me.
Sometimes I think I need those sticky situations,
I need those things anyone with a brain wouldn't do,
Because they give me a little taste of life.
And then? then I'm not sitting at home.
thinking. thinking. dying.
My husband fish and I,
we'll be the most beautiful couple in all the world.
A five minute couple, you see,
and then I will die peacefully.
Drown to the ocean floor.
And yes, he'll eat me.
And I'll live on forever in his bowel movements.
Sometimes, I think, I wonder, I question;
Why wasn't I enough, and why is she enough?
Why is it so much easier for you to be in love with her?
What did I do wrong, and how did I do it?
I guess I was a naive sort of thing
To believe in anything lasting forever that isn't a friendship.
But I still hope sometimes,
and surely people must think I'm completely nuts...
But maybe I am?
Sometimes I really think I need psychiatric help,
and sometimes I actually get the balls to ask for it.
But I won't ever get it.
I fight with myself too much over these things.
I need some sort of release that isn't unhealthy.
because listening to these songs that make you dance back into my head,
and dreaming of dying in the ocean after i've had my fish babies,
Apparently, that just isn't healthy.
But it matters not.
What is healthy?
What is normal?
What is sanity?
You do not know,
and you couldn't fool me if you could make an answer up for that.
Perhaps, I am what's normal.
Sanity is me.
Healthy? Maybe I'm completely healthy.
Maybe everyone should try digging deep inside themselves,
But then again...
It seems everyone that does, dies along the way
Cause the pain and brutality of such a journey isn't for just anyone...
So why am I,
That girl who acts half her age,
voyaging on this journey?
Excavating deep within myself?
Who knows.
Who knows.
But I need answers,
and I need them fast.
I still believe I'm going to live forever.
I'll never die.
I can't.
(:
but I'll watch every single one of you mother ******** burn,
and it'll be so beautiful, I swear.
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Missa Defunctorum
praise the lost souls, it'll set yours free
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