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I spent last night reading old posts of when me and my husband first fell in love and got together. Sadly enough, I didn't almost cry like I usually do. Reading those words has left me feeling distant and conflicted. Yes, I do wish to cry from the memory, because I was crying when I wrote those pms, but now...the tears are for half a different reason. I want to cry because my heart is broken.

I know that a part of me will always love Matthew, and I expect that feeling to linger within me like a ghost; however, I thought I was healed. Not completely, but I thought I was over him...to the point of letting go of him. In some ways I already have, but then I read those old posts and the pain in my chest tells me otherwise. I still come home sometimes and wonder where he is or imagine him nearby. I still think of him often, even though now it is because of pain. I suppose the best way I can describe it is that there was once a string tied between us that someone cut with a pair of scissors. Every now and then I notice the broken string and try and tug on it, then become confused because I don't feel that 'tug' I used to feel. There is no tug, its just me pulling in a featherweight piece of string until I see the cut up tear where he used to be. Suddenly, I remember that I can't depend on him anymore. I'm not allowed to love him anymore, and I should just untie the string from around my waist and forget that a string was ever there...but I can't.

I know I should delete those old messages. I should burn our wedding pictures, sell what little possessions we had, and move on but...I wanted to do that so badly last night; but, I couldn't. Usually I'm very good about letting people go. I do it...surprisingly all the time. At least once a year, I let someone go. But...with Matt I couldn't. I've deleted him from my phone, gotten rid of pictures, thrown away his clothes, stopped playing the video games he left behind, and gotten to the point where I don't think of him everyday. Where I'm not missing him anymore because the pain of being cut stings worse than the missing him. I can live with our lifeline being snipped. I can live with him not ever wanting to be with me anymore...but to remove him from existance (by presumption only, since to actually forget him is nearly impossible)...I just couldn't do it last night. I can't do it now, and I can get rid of a lot of things, but I still love him more than I can possibly say. I know in my heart that a piece of it will always be his, even though I pushed, and pressured, and hurt him to the point of him wanting nothing to do with me, I do. But I failed. I'm sure we were both at fault, me for my own selfishness, laziness, and depression that I did not want to work on; but mostly...because I gave up. I took for granted that we would always be married and when things got hard, I withdrew emotionally. I stopped talking to matt about things, I stopped sharing my heart and hid in the bathroom wishing he would notice me. Looking back on it, I was ridiculously stupid.

I've thought alot about Matt's reasoning for ending things permenantly...that I was too much for him. Well...maybe it was both ways, and I was just too blind to see it. I was blind to a lot of things, and stupid to the rest of it. I don't have enough time or room to state the entirety of what happened now. I don't think I even have the heart to open that up for the hundredth time. We were both epic failures who never tried to fix it. Me...worst of all.

But I was thinking to myself this morning how I can be so positive and hopeful that I wish him well when he wants nothing to do with me. Can't even stomach the idea of talking to me, and wants his mother to handle our divorce papers! He's twenty-five years old! I thank Matthew for that, but at the same time it infuriates me! Am I so hated that he can't even calmly tell me what he thinks to my face? Over the phone? Through a letter? On gaia! I'm the green moss he doesn't even want to scrape from the bottom of his shoe! He just ignores me even though he wants me gone! That makes no sense whatsoever to me! If he didn't want me, okay, I can live with that; but the usual thing is to go to a lawyer, get a cheap divorce. Ta-da, over with. *pats dust off hands* That reaction I would understand! But to not even try to end things, to expect me -hahaha the epic failure- to handle everything (when obviously I poorly handled things before) and then not even pick up the phone when I call him about the paperwork makes no sense. Am I that repulsive!?! Even if he called my dad's phone to talk about paperwork...that would be less of a blow than to have every one of our phone messages completely ignored. It hurts me to no end! I should not be upset right now, I know I am in the wrong for having these feelings, but I remember the time when we were in love. When he cared about me -for me- and not as some 'role' that I became after marrying him. I love the idea of marriage, I love the idea of lasting commitment because I've seen my parents last all my life. But marrying him...was the stupidest idea! I wish we had never married! Because then I wasn't his girl, I was his wife. I never -ever- did chores on a regular basis before we got married, and suddenly I have an entire house to clean? I panicked, I often times didn't do it, but that was never in my pattern before. It was new to me (ashamed to say it because its a disgrace to not clean) and it seemed like I being the 'wife' instead of the 'girlfriend'...that I'd lost that 'she's my special one' treatment to 'oh you didn't do this today. You didn't sleep during the night. You disappoint me' all the time. Then we stopped having every form of physical intimacy and I stopped opening up emotionally to him and...there was a lot of space that at least I could feel between us. My point? Oh yes. I'm off track again. My point being that I cannot believe myself. I am so hurt and effected by his complete silence and rejection; and yet I still cannot delete those messages! No I'm not pining for him, though I do miss him in the reminiscent sense, but I can't...untie that string around my waist.

I don't know how long i'll feel like this. Like a balloon not held down to anything and slowly rising higher and higher from the ground. Like a discarded second that no one else will want to waste the time to snatch from the air. I'm caught in a branch at the top of a tree, and I can't loose myself from the snare. I don't...want to be a divorced woman. I don't want to move on. I would rather stay married and never worry about being with another person again than to disregard matthew by signing divorce papers that he doesn't seem show express interest in. No the love I feel for Matthew is not the same as it was. Its not the free, uninhibited passion that tied me to him and made me feel safe only near him. But because of what I feel in my heart, that I can't disregard or ignore no matter how hard I try, I can't unwrap the string from around my waist. I can't completely let him go. I'm not clinging to him for anything, I don't expect anything from him, but those ghosts of the past wont leave my brain.

Yes, I made a lot of mistakes that gave the wrong impression. Mostly because I was just plain foolish and came to quick assumptions based off of 'crush' feelings, but at the end of the day, there was only Matthew. He was my matthew, and with him I felt secure and set at ease. Even if things were horribly rocky and we argued allll the time, my heart was at peace in loving him. My heart never once doubted that Matt was the wrong choice, and I almost hate...disdain...loathe...that my heart still feels this way! GARGH! WHY! WHY IN HECK! My brain has certainly taken the hint! He obviously cannot stand me, but oh no, try telling that to my heart. I have never been so perplexed and confused. Half the time I feel absolutely nothing for Matthew G. at all. The rest I feel angered and hurt; but still he is my anchor! How could I ever find a new anchor again when all that I put my hopes in discarded and gave up on me? I deserved it, don't think for a moment that I am being vicious towards him; but still, whether justified or not...How can I...logically feel this way. How can it be that its unbearable for me to discard him in my heart, the way he has discarded me?

They say that when you marry or make love, that your flesh is one. That your soul is tied like two pieces of wood glued together. That breaking it apart would completely destroy the wood. Maybe thats why I can't do it. Why I can't completely rip myself from him. It would destroy me more than I can bear. It has to be slowly pulled and tugged or put back together. I personally don't think that it could be healed...me because of my broken heart, and him because even if he changed his mind, we are different people now, and I fear he wouldn't want to waste the time to see me as a new person. I fear he'll always see me as 'the failure who hurt him' and I can never live or love completely carrying the weight of that opinion on my shoulders. I always think the best of him...I try to. I forgive him in all things, because I know my fault in it. But it...its too much to hope for that matthew wishes the best for me. Right now...I can't even pretend that he does...I don't know if I could believe it based on how he's treating me.

I'm sorry that I'm rambling on and on...I don't expect you, as a creeper of my journal, to care about the mumblings of my heart; but still I write for you. A complete stranger. I...remember when I freely loved...and now...I don't think I can do so. I know that no love is ever the same twice, but to feel that strange, indescribable, peace with anyone outside of Matthew and God...(in chronological order because my heart does belong to the lord right now. In a non perverted way of course) I just don't see it. I don't think it can happen now or in the next few years...because I still want to be connected to matt through that chord that lies broken in my hand. I don't feel like he's gone yet. There is a feeling people have when they lose a limb, that its still there, and I suppose this is the same way. Its been almost three years, and I still feel that chord. I still remember what we had. No stupid little piece of paper is ever going to change that. I think I know why God hates divorce. Its because of this. The pain, loss, and heartbreak that it causes. I hate very few things in this world, hate being one of them if that makes sense. But I can honestly say that I hate this place I'm in. I hate divorce. I hate the way I am being treated. Especially the way I treat myself.

I'm sorry Matthew, though you'll never read this. I'm so sorry for everything I ever said, did, or wrongly believed or accused that ever hurt or emmasculated you. I will have to live with this remorse whether you wish me to or not; but please know that I forgive you. I want you to be able to reach a point where you can move on and not be afraid to let yourself go again. I don't want you stuck in one place holding onto a string, and I'm not afraid to tell you that. I wish you only the best and sweetest happiness. I pray for your healing Matthew. Both for your heart and for your head from the surgery. I've let you go so many times that I no longer long for something that will never happen. I feel no clingy 'I need you', so take comfort that I'm not saying all this to try and win your favor. I'm just saying that there will be times when I look down and notice the broken string...

Take care Gaia...this is all I'm going to write for a while...

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