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Uhhh I guess this is just gonna be a rant of whatever comes to mind, cause I got time to kill and a brain that won't slow down.

I feel like...
Everything is slipping in between my fingers.
I used to be so sure of what the future held,
I still am to an extent,
But the near future scares me so much.

And I know I shouldn't even be consumed with thoughts of senior year
or not being able to talk to you as often as I want,
But, alas, here I am.
Pondering about how far apart will drift.
Praying you don't find someone you love more than me,
A new best friend.

And I also find myself reflecting on the words spoken by someone I barely knew existed,
Its true.
I really have no more friends around here.
Not to say that's bad, its just kinda like...
Wow. It's so true.

It's one thing when you think to yourself you're completely alone.
It's another when someone points it out.

I've never been one to mind being alone,
But lately I just feel like I need people to need me a little more.

I feel the need to push everyone in my life away.
And push the one's not in my life even further from being able to get in.
But isn't that the complete opposite of having people need me?

God, why am I such a walking contradiction.
Why are any of us?

All these glimpses from the past are really freaking me out,
I'm not sure if I can handle it anymore.
I can't just sit and dwell in the past for much longer,
Because I remember when the past was once present and I hated it as much as I hate the present I'm living in now.

Why do things turn out to be so sweet once they're in the rearview mirror?
Something I'll never quite understand.

Like why, every once in a blue moon,
Does my sweet suadade creep into my mind,
And grasp my lungs to the point where i can't even breathe?

We seriously haven't spoken in two years.
It's just really strange.
I guess what they say about your first love does hold some truth,
But I don't think I think of you, suadade, for the right reasons.

I think I feel the need to make amends for the past,
But regardless of what I say, would you even forgive me?

I find myself wanting to lay in the rain
And just drown.
Just kinda... wash away everything, start fresh.

A new beginning is really what I want and need,
But thinking about it,
I probably won't ever have that.

Even when I move to San Francisco,
Bri will know me so it's not like I can become this radically different being.
It'd be so weird, I guess.
But I also don't think I could do that even if she wasn't there.

Even though I love being single,
I really find myself wanting someone to just hold at night,
Or to hold me.
To whisper my secrets to.
To listen to their hushed voice tell me something only I can know.

I don't really want anything romantic,
I don't really want some strange friends with benefits thing either.
I don't really know what I want, I guess,
Maybe I just want someone there, at my disposal.

Maybe I want someone within arms length?
Though I don't think I could ever do that to someone,
Unfortunately, I've had enough people do it to me.
Fortunately, that means its harder for me to do it.

I never understand how people that are abused turn into abusive people.
They don't like it, so why would they become it?

So ******** strange.

I just want to make sense of things.
I guess that's what I really want at the end of the day.

When I close my eyes,
I just see monsters lately.
I think I should approach them and potentially be consumed.

Maybe, just maybe,
then my life will get interesting.

My tit hurts.
******** tit.

You realize you're my soulmate.
Just, never will you be the love of my life.
But I think those can be two separate entities.

And if they can't,
Well then, can you love the love of your life without it being romantic?
Can you and the love of your life simply be in a platonic friendship?

If so.
Well, then.
I guess you may be that too.

Even though I don't think I even come close to either position.
Maybe that's why single life is so easy,
Because I've found all the love I could ever need,
and I didn't even have to go through all the bull s**t of seeking for a significant other.

It just fell into my lap.
And I put the seat belt on us both.
I'll protect you as we crash.

Sometimes I think of driving into a wall.
Just to say, hey I've done it.

Just like sometimes I think about hurting myself near death,
Just so I can see if there's a light, or just cold,
Maybe there's a heaven,
But more than likely a hell.

I almost crashed today.
On the way home.
It was awesome.
If that isn't weird...
Or even if it is weird,
It was awesome.

I wanna do it again.
Maybe actually crash.
I dunno.

I feel so self destructive lately.
But I like it.
So ******** it.

Oh, it hurts to be this good.
I hope Medusa is dead and gone.
Like T.I's old self.

I dunno though.
I get afraid around you, face to face.
You make me really nervous;
I feel like that's the only time you can see what I really am thinking,
Because I really have no way of hiding it in front of you.

Sometimes it's nice,
Not letting you know everything.
I keep so much from you,
I think it's to protect you,
But maybe it's to protect me.

I don't really know what I would do if you knew every detail of my life.
Then you'd know me too well, while I still feel like I know nothing about you.
And you're my best friend, isn't that weird?