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Life...ain't no other words to describe it.... Okay, so maybe you can say that I'm a bit unpredictable....or you can say that I'm just downright crazy....either way, I don't really care, cuz it's my life and it goes wherever it goes, and sadly, tags me along with it....


that_wayward_child
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******** nothing
Unlike most kids my age, being a senior in highschool doesn't really strike me as one of those things that will forever stay with me even when I get old and wrinkly. Everyone says how this is supposed to be "my year", whatever that's supposed to mean.

My birthday is the day after tomorrow. Finally, I turn 17. Finally, I can watch R-rated movies legally. But truth be told, I really don't give a damn. Getting older doesn't really feel any different. If anything, it just puts me one step closer to death.

I'm aware that I sounded a whole lot more optimistic on my last entry compared to what I'm writing now. Now, I feel numb. Other than annoyance, anger and disappontment, I don't feel anything else. Day by day, I go through the motions. I don't even bother resisting anymore, because it feels like there's no point to it. I feel ******** nothing. Like no one's gonna really care if I disappear off the face of this planet.

To those who are reading this and are going, "Oh, stop being so melodramatic", you can ******** off. Growing up, I've been trained (not taught. 'Taught' is done with compassion. Trained is something shoved down your throat, kind of like when a shock collar is attached on a dog) to be nice and polite. All throughout my life, I've been like that. But now, more that ever, it's even worse. I had no idea silence can be so painful. Being quiet hurts so much to the point that I feel like I'm drowning in myself. And the worst part is that I have no one to talk to about it, which is why I'm now writing this on some Journal entry under a name that barely even makes it in real life.

If I ever feel anything, it's loneliness. People don't see me even when I'm right in front of them. But no matter how shitty it feels, I can't afford to let others see that. My emotions are something that I rarely show anyone. When I cry, it's always away from eyes that stare and lips that mumble fake sympathies.

I'm not living; I'm existing. It's so damn pathetic, but there's really nothing I can do about it. Once, I've even tried praying to God to kill me, because I hate being like this. I don't have the backbone to oust myself so I have to rely on whatever divine power that is out there--that is, if He even exists. If He does, then I don't know why he'd want to put me on this earth. I have nothing to offer. I am nothing. The people I've called "friends" have drifted away from. Maybe it's because we're growing up and whatnot. Then again, I guess it's my fault for depending on them. Nowadays you really can't depend on anyone.

More than anything, I wish I can die. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of worrying about my future. I'm tired of my life.





 
 
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