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So you want to stalk me? All I ask is that you do it properly. I have prepared some simple instructions and guidelines to ensure the best quality stalking experience for both of us.

First of all, you need to be doing it with the right attitude. If you’re going to be really psychotic or depressing, please don’t bother stalking me. Instead, redirect your efforts to a someone who typically dates really screwy men.

It’s also important to stalk me for the right reasons. Good reasons include attraction to me, boredom with your life, or the need to entertain me. Bad reasons include the desire to kill me or “needing a shoulder to cry on.” I do offer the latter service to friends, but not stalkers – you are two very different classes of people to me.

Next we have the desirability issue. I think we’ve all had our share of undesirable stalkers, so if you are extremely annoying or unattractive, please stalk someone that is more tolerant. I have a much more varied sense of what’s “attractive” than most, and it’s tough to explain, but there is one key point: I go for natural. If you have one particular physical characteristic of yourself that you really don’t like, chances are I won’t notice it. And once you point it out, I won’t care. On the other hand, if you drastically alter the way you naturally look to conform to what’s “in,” I probably will not like to look at you. Other people will, but I’m not like every other person in the world. That’s why I have a special guide to stalking me – because the normal rules may not apply.

The big distinction between stalking types is whether you want me to realize you’re stalking me, or whether you want to be completely undetected. If you’re going for the latter, don’t bother. Watch TV or something.

If you want me to slowly figure out that you are stalking me, you’re going to have a rough time. I’m incredibly unperceptive with anything outside my immediate focus of attention. This basically means that I don’t “get” subtle hints, signs, or clues. So you have to be pretty obvious.

Well I must congratulate you if you’re still reading and haven’t been disqualified yet. Since my requirements are strict, I’ll make your job a bit easier.

This should be enough information to get you off to a good start. Unfortunately, I can’t give away everything about me, because then you’d have nothing to do. So I’ll stop here, in the interest of your stalking experience.

If you have any questions, feel free to spy on me and attempt to figure out the answers.