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The Real Ending, Small Verse and a Giant Note |
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It's all clear to me now
Crawling through these streets
as the ghost
Living out my nightmare, the one I feared the most.
The shell of our love lost
Still lays there on the floor
From the say you dusted me
"I don't need you anymore".
Notes: In the actual verse that I've written, it's an anger anthem and the last line is not in quotations. But I have twisted it for my own purposes here. Because I was just dusted by that very information. I've edited a few old poems to contain notes. But after a year or something of not writing on here, yet still dating Tony, and even seeing him in real life, everything came crashing to a halt last Sunday. And I feel empty, pointless, I can't find the fun in life that I knew I used to see all the time. Because I don't have hope anymore. For the last 60-some days that he hadn't talked to me I would always think "I can't wait to tell Tony about this!!!' or the more frequent thought, "When Tony comes back we'll have sooooo much to talk about!". And if he could have just re-started regular communication I could get past the last 60-odd days. Everyone tells me he's lying about his real reason. But...no matter the reason, I was switched out. Mercilessly replaced either by someone or just an empty space I used to fill.
I wish I could know why and when I became so useless and easy to be tossed aside. Remember how he used to say he'd be torn up if we ever split up? Or that he'd always want to be with me? There was even that phase he went through and he kept telling me I "saved his life". I've done my best to take care of him. I promised him way back when we first met that I would try to make him honestly and genuinely happy. And that I would be destroyed if I lost him. Praying for my own destruction if I lost Tony because I couldn't stand it.
Everyone tells me it's better this way, but I still want to talk to him. I don't want to belive the last 3-ish years or so were so easily turned into nothing and discarded by him. I have all these great memories and every one of them pains me in ways they didn't before. I used to think that if I worked hard enough we could really have some kind of future together. He didn't work hard enough. But I don't think he cares. I don't think he feels anything about sending me off so suddenly. After everything i've done and we've been through. And I feel so awful because I'm going to be replaced someday by someone else who will get to comfort him and have his affection. And each memory he has of me, will disappear faster.
He doesn't want me. It turns out all my poems were right. In the end, he really did discard me. He forgot all about me. And didn't care how I felt. The last time we talked before this, he said he loved me with all his heart. That he knew I loved him and that he hadn't forgotten. It was almost normal. And on that day I was happy. Because I thought Tony still loved me, still needed me somehow, still wanted me at least.
But then he went away again. And I thought maybe...It wouldn't be for so long again. And I lost track of time waiting. Before I knew it, another 30 days passed by me. And even though I tried to contact him, I never got a reply.
I remember everythign perfectly, about our past except the day we met. But I remember how. I remember that stuff. I remember how he would tell me he could wait foe me, as long as it takes, because I was worth it. I remember telling him some times that I would understand if he'd choose to leave me over a real girl, early in our relationship and he assured me, all the way up until now, that he'd never want anyone besides me.
I talked this sweet young boy out of a suicidal place. He opened up to me and told me his thoughts and feelings and I loved him with all my heart. Ironically, years later, now I don't want to keep on living. I hate waking up. I hate knowing I won't hear from him ever again. That he's touched every part of my life and I lose mye motional stability when I think about even the thoughts I used to have about him, or how he could make me smile and blush and how I did the same to him.
Now I'm just hoping he'll keep the stuff I gave him and that I can keep holding onto the T-Shirt he gave me. The t-shirt I kept in a perfect environment for weeks after I got home just so it would smell like him for as long as it could. The one he wore in the picture that I kept next to my bed or carried around with me.
I hope he'll wear the hat I sent him and the socks when he gets cold.maybe he'll even smile a little if he finds the book I sent him that he lost. If he eats caramel, I hope he thinks of that whole box I sent him (that he ate in one day though I said not to) along with 205 paper stars in a bottle. Hopefully he doesn't restart his pokemon game and keeps the pokemon I traded him and he will laugh at their stupid nicknames. (Like Vibrator, the Fearow; and SexyBeast, the Larvitar). I've still got all the pokemon he traded me, and I would laugh at the nerdy nicknames he gave them. I hope he keeps the pictures I drew for him. I drew them so gently...because it was as close as I was able to come to touching him. And the one week I was there and drew him from life...He said he'd frame it. I hope he did....I hope it's on his wall....I hope he looks at it every day and just...thinks...
My heart hurts, pure and simple, intensley and constantly. Because he stopped trying and caring, and I can't seem to. He was my precious Tony, who I first knew as Captain (and later on as my sweet little Biscuit, Falcon Kid, Night Hawk, Winter Hawk, and all the names he had on Runescape (don't get me started on all that i remember about that. Way too much.) that I could tell you as well) who was lost, piece by precious piece over time, until even I couldn't find him and he decided I wasn't worth anything.
And
I'm still looking for him everywhere...Like I'm going to find him again someday. But if he decides to cut me out of his life, what power do I have to stop it? I'm at his disposal, as he was at mine. But I never wanted this to happen. And now I keep thinking I'll be able to talk to him just like way back when....Play the game and in a little while he'll spontaneously log in....and we could talk...Just like the past. Where he would do things like that. Show up when I really wanted to talk to him. He;s the only one I want to talk to!!!!
crying I never want to live again. Let this be The End of everything. Because I've lost the one I needed the most. I've finally been ripped in half by the magnificent Tony. Drawings of whom, I still find in my sketchbooks.
 kazuka78 · Wed Sep 28, 2011 @ 02:31pm · 0 Comments |
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