Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I feel like I've been fighting back these thoughts for so long,
Because I really AM happy, like a happy I couldn't ever believe existed.

But when I see people with their best friends its a tug of nostalgia every time.

"You only have one true best friend."
I always thought that was you, and if it was am I really doomed to shitty, worthless friendships for the rest of my life? Probably. It feels like everything around me when I'm without Luis is just painted by the people in the rooms I'm with to help them look better.

I constantly find myself not fitting in anywhere. I don't think its bothered me to the extent in bothers me now ever before.

I constantly find myself asking how I ever made friends in the first place, and then how I could have been so careless to let them all go, but those things happen for a reason right?

I know who genuinely matters and that's because he's never given up on me and I'll never give up on him.

I'm sure you don't even allow me to cross your mind.
I don't think I could blame you,
how long have we been doing this weird dance where we run away for months at a time?

And how far apart did we drift before we finally just cut off ties?

I'd like to comfort myself by saying you were the b***h, the one who ******** up, the one who let go.
But honestly, I let go just as much if not more. I pushed you away.

The idea of losing my best friend was too much to bear that I just let you go? What kind of bullshit sense does that make? None, really.

Its weird how people work to make things better for themselves.

But I'm sure you're doing much better now, how could you not be?
You got a new start at life when you moved away, something I'm kind of hoping for when I move next month.

I wish I could know more about your life since I was cut out of it,
But I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter anyway.

I know the most significant thing, and I hope you're doing fine from it since it seemed to have given you such an epiphany.

I wonder if you'll even read this, part of me is hoping you don't because that means you've probably read a lot of what I've been writing since you walked out.

But part of me hopes you do.because then you'll see that I'm finally having these epiphanies I should've had a long while ago. Things happen at their own pace though.

I find that the more you pop up in my mind, the weirder it feels to have you there. Its a battle whether or not you belong, because its been so long.

"When someone leaves you, they never really leave you because they're up here." Your head. But I don't want you there if we're not on good terms.

The nostalgia is too bitter. The songs that I made you last summer, whenever they play it feels so surreal. The old comments when I'm digging for other things, also quite weird.

I've looked at the past and the ways I've ******** up with all of the relationships I've read into. Most of them I can simply rest my head on the idea that we've merely drifted apart.

But were you and I supposed to drift apart? Were you supposed to be that one, genuine best friend that I'd have forever? Or do we all really have to let go of one another at some point in time?

What would I give to have a conversation with you again? I'm not really sure, to be quite frank. What would it cost, is probably a better question? Just to simply catch up, though you'd be so cold shouldered and bitter and cruel.

Did you get what you wanted out of me, and you're satisfied? Part of me hopes. Part of me hopes not.

If you've done it then you won't ever show your face again and then maybe, eventually you'll be a less painful, distant memory.

If you haven't, then maybe this won't have to be a memory.

But I guess I already know the truth that no matter what, it'll always just be a memory, now? Haven't we drifted too far apart to salvage anything? Aren't we both our shoulders just too cold to warm one another up? Aren't we both just trying to move forward with whatever life is giving us?

I suppose I lied a month or two ago, when Luis asked if I missed you.
I guess you do. But I miss the girl I could depend on. The girl worth being called a best friend.

But we've both become estranged, and as strange as it feels to think we were once so close, I know I can't do anything about it.

I guess this is just the pool of thoughts I've been wading in for so long, and now I'm finally popping the kiddie pool and letting them drown out.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm laying it all out on the table for you. Would you ever do me the same courtesy again?

And finally, I guess, ultimately, if not then I just hope you're as happy as you could be. This is the only aspect of my life I'm not happy with, not having a close friendship the way I did, the way we became estranged, the way I pushed you over the cliff and let you go.

Everything else is beautiful. But I guess life can't be perfect, so if you never want to speak to me again as we've been doing, then I guess your life is as close to perfect as you want it to be.