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Memoryhouse

I don't know why I feel the need to check up on you.
Its not like there's anything there for me to read or see or ponder about.
You're so cryptic and maybe its for good measure, not only for you, but for me as well.

I never imagined stepping into these next phases of my life without my best friend and I know I've said its time to lay things to rest, but for whatever god forsaken reason, I just can't seem to lay you to rest in my head.

Perhaps its because thoughts aren't like animals, you can't just put them down when they get old.

It seems like a play I keep repeating in my head.
We're friends and life is just fine, not exactly complete, but nothing to complain about.
We stop being friends when one or the other finds someone worth being romantically involved with.
One of us loses that romantic partner, we return to being not quite complete, but nothing to complain about best friends.

The only difference is this time I've found the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Legitimately, the rest of my life with.
I didn't expect to find it so young, but I can feel it in my bones, he's the one for me.

I wish I knew how to have the harmony of an amazing boyfriend that loves me so, and a best friend that genuinely cares.
But it seems that we both just struggle with genuinely caring about one another, huh?

I mean, looking back on all the horrible things I've done to you, I'm ashamed.
Yet I don't think I'll ever be able to say sorry completely, because I know at the time those were the things I thought would salvage our friendship.

Some of those things were things I probably never would have done if I wasn't vying for something or another from you. People make other people do crazy things, or I guess the ties and connections we feel towards people make us do crazy things.

It just doesn't seem fair that I'm constantly beating this dead horse, over and over again in my mind, but you have possessed the ability to be so cryptic and emotionless and uncaring that it doesn't even feel that your life has been phased at all, from the moment you let go to now.

It seems as if for you this was the cleanest possible break. Have you even once since that day wondered if we would ever be friends again? Or did you promise yourself this was the end, that you got all you needed, I was deemed worthless, so easily tossed aside?

Have you figured out your own feelings, and now mine don't matter either? You should really work on that, you need to sustain some sort of real relationship with people, friendship or more.

That seems cruel to bring up, but yes I read it a while later. I wonder if that was your breakthrough, maybe now you possess the ability to have some capacity for humanity and care. I mean, are you even still becoming a diplomat? If so, you'll have to learn how to actually talk to people and handle them.

It seems that you're so callous and cold-shouldered towards everything in life and that's just not healthy.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this.
If you ever took the time to scan it you'd never do anything about it anyway.

To you, I'm sure this was simple and easy.
At least that's how it seems.

Though it seems selfish of me,
There are so many things I wish I could hear about you on the terms of friendship, or even acquaintances.
There are so many things I wish I could tell you in the same sense of the phrase.

I guess I don't necessarily need you to be my best friend, but I wish I was at least on good terms with you again.

Its not good for the heart to go this long with unresolved issues.