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You said "Nothing baby" when I asked what would happen,
But I'm not completely sold.
I can already feel my family slipping from my fingers,
I'm just fearing that it'll be my immediate family that falls apart too.

Her passing away has just reminded me so much of ten years ago,
of losing my entire family before I was ready
And we all had to realize what we were giving up before we could suck it up and come back together.
Why is that?

How much am I going to lose this time?
How many people are going to fight and burn bridges that'll take another ten or so years to repair?

You said "Nothing baby,"
But I can't be completely sold on that.
Because I've seen the opposite of nothing, and that still leaves me petrified.
Frozen in my boots.

I just want to know everything will be fine,
But how many years will it be before fine is what everything is?

I wish she had met you.
That's what I keep thinking about.

As I lay awake at night,
I couldn't pin point if she was keeping me up to make me think and wonder what could have been if some things had been different,
Or if she was just keeping me up to allow my mind to drift to topics that I needed to consult.

I wonder, tonight, if she'll grant me a good night's sleep
or if I'll be tossing and turning and hoping again.

Are you sending me a sign? Does something need to be done, if so what?
Something comes to mind, but I can promise you that was made clear a waste of time a long time ago.

People like us call it quits eventually.
But people like Lu and I swear on eternity and mean it.
He's reconnected with his best friend, but I've given up on mine.
She's got a new life, time pressed forward for both of us.

We all drift into new lives, and I'm in love with mine.
I guess I just don't want to see it rattle and roll.
I've seen how much things have changed and at times they freak me out.

Time never stops.
Never.
In this moment, in all the moments I've spent writing journals, how much of my life has potentially slipped by?
I'm not really sure, to be quite frank.

How much of your life has slipped away just reading the words that come into my head?
I'm sorry for wasting it, sorry for you checking up on me, whoever you are.

Sometimes I just wish time would stand still.
Sometimes I wish I could just have a few minutes with you face to face so I could really apologize to you for everything
But I feel like I'll be losing if I do that,
I wish I could reconnect with you the way Luis reconnected with Connor.
What's holding us back from just being on good terms, I wonder?
The lack of courage to approach you?
The lack of need, care, of just wanting it?

I just wish I had you back in my life somedays,
Even though I'm so happy, I always feel like I'm missing something and I always feel like that something is you.
But I can't say I'd give it all up to have you, and I guess maybe that's why I can't have you.
Because unlike Erik, Luis and I are just getting stronger and better and we're really fighting for everything we have. We're dying to make this work because he needs me just as much as I need him, just as much as I've always needed somebody, he's there for me through thick and thin.

I don't really get it, you know.
We once swore through thick and thin ourselves, and when I think of that I get really apprehensive about me and Luis.
But I remember things aren't always the same, people are different which makes situations different.

I still have faith in a friendship that will last forever with you,
Is that naive? Especially since its been nearly a year since we've been "friends" or whatever you want to call it?
I guess its because when I promise these things I mean it, something in my soul is anchored to you.
Its taking me ages, I may never have the guts to approach you ever again,
But I just want to make it clear I still care, probably way more than I should.

I guess that's something I've never been good at hiding,
How I'm feeling. I don't want to be the type of person that can hide that stuff though.
Luis told me once he knows I miss you, I tried to brush it off,
But he knows I can't. Whenever you come up in conversation, I know he can hear the pings of sadness in my heart.

I wish I had tried harder.
I'm sorry, and I truly mean that.

Things may never be the same,
but I hope you read this, in the very least.
I want to hear about the new things in your life, your new boyfriend, your new friends, but I know I've lost that luxury.