Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Winds are constantly blowing in different directions,
and those changes can be great if you let them be.

I've come so far from where I was a mere four months ago, and I'm so happy for that.

To think my life has made a complete 180 makes me nothing more than thrilled.
To know I'll continue improving makes me so happy.

And I know it seems stupid to say it, but I owe all of this to my parents and to Randy.
The three of them are always pushing me in the right direction, standing by my side when I find myself in a predicament where I'm torn between right and wrong.

They're the three people that seem to genuinely want what's best for me, even when they could possibly be angry or upset with me.

I guess it comes naturally, from my parents. That's kind of their job.

But to have something like this with Randy, I really would never have guessed.
Who knew the guy I wanted to be with so badly at fourteen would be the guy that loves me so kindly at eighteen?

I can't even picture my life without him now, and I feel a little crazy for saying that,
But things just come so easily between the two of us.

We just feed off each other and it turns into such positivity and beauty.
We're both fighting to help one another become better people, and I'm so grateful for it.

Something about him, there's just something about him that pulls me in and makes me want to stay by his side for the rest of my days.

He just treats me like I'm worth it all, he's so honest with me and we're so open with one another that its kind of unreal.

I didn't think I could be this honest with anyone,
Quite frankly, I don't think I believed anyone could be this honest with me.

And it seems so cliche to say,
Because I feel like I've called wolf so many times,

But I think this time the wolf is really here,
and I'm so happy he's here trying to take away my sheep.

Cause he's devouring the bitter memories those sheep hold,
He's replacing them with new ones and he's making me realize just how beautiful life can be.

I don't think I've ever had so many people comment on how happy I am in my entire life as they have in the span of our dating.

Still, there are a few things I'm not running to tell him about.
Things that don't actually affect our relationship but might give him more clarity on the type of person I am.

Or well, maybe the person I was years ago.
But does the past really matter?
I don't really think it does, even if it molded me into the girl he loves so dearly today.

In fact, I don't even think I could explain how I am from past experiences to him.
In all honesty, I think I've just become who I am through all the time spent in my head and my desires to improve upon myself.

Still, looking at who I was when I was thirteen, fourteen... even seventeen, it's just wild to see how radically different I am now.

And I think about it and realize that all the people that have walked in and out of my life have played a part in me changing the error of my ways.

I don't think if I had been asked what I would be like today five years ago the answer would have been this:

Happy, kind, honest, caring, incredibly genuine in every action.

Its amazing, really. I feel like I was so much more manipulative and lived with intent to have such cruel intentions when I was younger.

Now I just strive to be genuine and honest with my every action. All I want to do is let those I care about know, and let those who let me down keep out.

I've come to the realization the people that the people I've held close in my heart for so many years may not be the people that I need to spend the rest of my life fretting over.

I refuse to allow myself to spend another three plus years sitting and debating the trials and tribulations of failed friendships. I refuse to allow myself to wallow in the past more than an acceptable, healthy amount. I refuse to beat myself up over the past or think that the future is going to be any different than how it is now - with those people, I mean. I refuse to spend nights thinking of what could have been, what should have been, what would have been. Dreaming about these people, about the possibilities of the friendships we once had is so behind me.

I've let these demons die, or at least I've tried to. Seeing these people completely disappear so many times has taught me what they're really worth. And as relieving as that should be to say, I can honestly say I do feel a hint of sadness as I say that - but sometimes the truth is bitter, but the reward from my honesty will without a doubt be sweeter than the idea of anything going back in time that once danced so anxiously in my head.

And while my responses to these people may seem uninterested or apathetic, I realize that I need to do this if only as a selfish act for myself. If they care, even remotely, they'll push through and prove themselves. If not, well, then my forceful lack of interest and bland responses will prove to have worked in my favor.

When I told him that I was the Rob in a trio, he told me he would be my best friend because he loves me and everyone needs a best friend. But I feel rude and selfish taking him up on that offer.

To be quite frank, I don't think I deserve a best friend and I think my lack of friends is what makes me such a great person now. As stupid as it seems, the cliche quotes like "the loneliest people can be the kindest. The saddest people sometimes smile the brightest. The most damaged people are filled with wisdom. All because they do not wish the pain they've endured on another soul" to hold somewhat of a truth.

I feel as if my solitude in many social realms has made me a better person, and while I have been fortunate enough to make a few friends at my new school, I happily spend most of my time with Randy or alone. Honestly, even when I'm with people I really am just in my head analyzing and comprehending and assessing every situation I find myself in.

Quite frankly, the amount of time I spend in my head is rather unhealthy and I wish I could make myself shut up and it would have a slight hum rather than a constant flow of thoughts to allow myself to catch up and breathe. I wonder if all people feel this way, unable to stop thinking until they go to sleep?

Randy and I often talk about my inability to do simple things. I often find myself readily admitting that I must simply be stupid. I guess old habits die hard, and I think he knows that any self-deprecating behavior stems from my relationship with Luis. He always quickly responds, "Or maybe you're a genius. They have trouble with these things too."

It seems like this could go without saying, but I love the way that Randy loves me. Because even when I'm mad and I'm thinking mean things out of frustration, or I'm just incredibly hormonal, I never find myself questioning his love for me.

I don't think anyone ever realizes the importance of confidence in the love one has for you until they've questioned it in a person. Playing cat and mouse with people is so tiring and annoying, I'm really fortunate that I don't have to do it with Randy and if we ever do its only slight teasing and never feels like an actual battle.

Before we began telling each other we loved one another, I often told Paige that I refused to say it first because that would mean I had lost. And I wasn't prepared to lose this battle, so I held out until Randy finally said it to me. Even though he had hinted so blatantly that he did not want to be the first to say it either.

I'm happy that he did say it first, but I realize that its stupid for to start treating love as if its war, so I've quickly banished that behavior and have gone back to the person I've always been when its come to people I love and care for.

My heart is on my sleeve, and while I've constantly been told its dangerous, I don't think I possess the ability to hide it.

And fortunately, Randy doesn't want me to hide it. In fact, he doesn't hide his love for me either. Like I said, aside from the occasional teasing, we might as well just have I love Randy/I love Kaitlin tattoo'd on our foreheads.

I feel like I've said so much and in reality probably have said so little. I think I just had a lot on my mind I wanted to get out there and maybe I'll feel better.

Besides only a half hour til I can watch Awkward now.

I wish Randy was awake.

As much as I hate admitting it, I miss him when we don't sleep side by side.