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I've been meaning to write this down for a while, really. Since before Lent ended. But it's always been so noisy and active around me, and that does bug me/throw me off when I'm thinking. Today, however, I am home. Alone. eek whee

So usually during Lent, I feel there is a lesson that is there for me to pick up. This year, I felt it, but it is truly hard to put into action. The easiest way to describe it is 'Act, don't react'. It's so easy to say something mean when someone else has already. but it's not right. Turn the other cheek, you know. It's really easy for me to say something smart, the words pass my lips with the slightest approval from my mind. But that is where the lesson lies for me, where it needs to come into action. I need to watch what I say and do, but mostly what I say. XD When I get mad, I forget to check my tone, because apparently I sound sharp even when I'm trying not to. It's going to take some work, definitely. But as long as I don't forget or let it go, I'm optimistic that I can make this change.

Also. The gas company turned off our gas because their computer system dropped the ball and didn't pick up all the numbers when my mom called in her payment. Then charged us a reconnection fee. Really, any of these emotes could go here: emotion_awesome emotion_facepalm emotion_donotwant rolleyes

But that wasn't the worst part of it. The worst part was when we went to relight the water heater, and it refused to stay lit. We have been taking cold showers for almost two weeks now, and no, it does not make it any easier. To make matters worse, my mom does not want to spring for a new one because she doesn't know if they are going to tear down our house or not, but that's another journal entry entirely. Not to mention that water heaters are apparently now around 300 dollars? The last time we took this many cold showers was back in 2007, when we woke up one morning to find the kitchen floor(where the water heater is) covered in water. And that was for 3 months. Ugh. So no, it doesn't look like this situation is going to change any time soon, and that really stinks.

I guess there are two other things I could cover here. The gas was turned off back in April, on the 21st to be precise. Last week, the week after, our electricity was turned off as well. XD What a mess. I was getting ready for work, and had just finished my make up when I heard some noise from the side of the house.Then, the lights went off, came back on, went off again, came back on, went off, and this time stayed off. Peeking through my window confirmed that it was indeed the company turning our power off. I shot outside barefooted, trying to catch him before he could leave. He told me that he was done doing what he had to do, he wasn't going to turn it back on even if I was trying to get ready for work, even though I had told him that we had just recently had a similar problem with the gas company. He basically had no sympathy for us.

I asked him what the balance was, and that he could do for me. He started to walk back to his truck, but I told him that I was in fact barefooted, would he wait while I put some shoes on? I came back out and walked to his truck, he gave me the little neon colored hanger he would have stuck on the door, had he made it from here unnoticed, and I walked back to the sidewalk. I must have said or asked him something, because he got back out to talk to me, and stayed there for at least ten minutes. I was kind of hoping I could keep him there long enough for my mom and sister to get back, and I did. It was so convenient too, I heard them pull up behind me and moments later, I spotted the cat wandering down the pavement. I excused myself to chase her back into the house, hoping that my mom could somehow fix the situation before I had to leave for work. No such luck, but it was funny to think that he had stopped to talk to me when he didn't have to.

The other thing I wanted to talk about, was this dream I had a week or two ago. It was a strange combination of backgrounds from my work place and a relative's home, but what mattered was who was in it. It was him, I had come to find him? He was very kind to me, and I remember thinking that I could not have looked so deeply into his eyes if he had not been looking the same way in mine. Then he made an excuse, and left, and I did not see him again. He was beyond me, and once I realized that, I was ready to take myself and my company with me. I made it known our host did not want us anymore, and was the first to walk out the door.

The dream was sweet, sad, and confusing. That's usually the standard when I dream of him. The dreams I had of him last spring and summer, there was an element of hope mixed in. What I'm trying to figure out is, is it because the way I felt (in my dream) is the truth, or is it just because it is the way I have perceived things? It's definitely the way I would sum things up if I wanted to be Debbie Downer. But part of me believes in him still. Is that weird?

When I look at his name, at that date, I think to myself, 'one day that will change again.' His behavior also lends itself to this faith. The first time he came back, I did not think I'd ever see him again. He did that on his own. Three years ago, he told me himself that he always came back to me, that it was something scary to him. Even last year, he was the one who came back, and then continued to sign in. He could've let it be that one time, but he didn't.

Now even I'm not blind enough to say that this whole thing is NOT a hot mess, but there's always a but with me. And that but is, I still care about him, and want to make it right. I still love him. You might not believe me, or wonder what I know about love, but the fact of the matter is, whatever love is to me, I feel it towards him. My life is my own in this regard, if it's down to me and him, I will fight for what I want. Even if boils down to friendship, to a conversation every blue moon. I especially want to know what happened in the time period he was gone, that should go without saying. But I've actually gone off to another train of thought, and to get back on board(not to mention wrap this up) I will say that my dreams are strange things.

I wondered why I never dreamed of him, and when I did, I told myself that I didn't want to dream of things if there was the chance I couldn't have them. Cue no dreams. Then, little pieces here and there that would make my heart ache, but still bring a smile to my face. And finally back to square one. I dreamed a little of him last week, that he did come back again. And I was happy. So I will continue to have a little faith in the fellow who likes to keep himself partially in shadow to me, because I do think he's a decent person, and want to be able to smile at the end of the day when I think about him and all the crap we've gone through.