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So Late, It Might As Well Be Counted "Absent" |
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It seems I've neglected my scribes yet again. Hehe, did that sound cool, or what? I haven't been able to find the time for another one of my "bestseller" entries, for one reason or another, believe it or not I've been either busy, or sleeping, I've been trying to get my a** in gear with a lot of stuff, so this didn't really come high on my priorites, that sounds bad, but it's not like this is for anyone else, really.
I feel like I even have the ability to procrastinate my depressive moods. Recently, Josh got his first job working at Port-of-Subs, so that left me the only one now, out of our little "clique", that's old enough to work jobless. Suffice it to say, that weighed heavy on my heart, and on my mentality, because as ridiculous as it sounds, I was hoping it wouldn't be me, but somehow I had a feeling something like this was inevitable. I don't exactly get out there and make things happen, which consistently results in my downfall. Not to mention it just didn't look like I would be the one. As conceited as that sounds, I didn't see myself in last place in this kind of situation. It feels like my friends grew up and moved on without me, and I know that sounds ridiculous, but when I picked up the phone just to call anyone because they were all at work, and it hit me I had no one left, it hurt, bad.
People all around me are progressing, and I'm the one still in the back waving the rattle and drinking from his bottle, I feel younger than Sophia. And I know you guys were just kidding when you joked around how I was the only one without a job, and I needed to get with it, but it still hurt to hear it, and know that even though it wasn't true coming from you, it was still the truth, plain and simple. Everyone always says I'm the protector, that I watch out for everybody because I'm the sort of "gentle giant" figure, but I'm still the youngest out of the four of us, and it fits me being the baby. I don't know, it just hurts, that's all. I hate being singled out, especially when it's not on purpose.
I got into a big fight with my dad the other day. They were questioning me why I didn't want to have a Graduation party, and I was avoiding the questions, saying that I was just going to go to Josh's party. Stuff was said, and basically, my dad took my responses as I valued my friends over my family, and that I didn't want to be with them. He came out of the blue, saying all these things about my family from Mexico coming to visit, and other relatives, that would want to celebrate with you. I had no idea anyone actually planned on coming, no one I know ever does that, it's too much of a hassle, and I don't remember going to anyone else's graduation in the family, and I have nieces and nephews that are relatively my age. My idea was that sending out the invitations was just a courtesy, a polite gesture, saying, "We know you might not be able to make it, but we wanted you to come to celebrate this day." I only expected like Meghan and Grandma Ruth, because they'll be visiting again this year, and they'll be in Las Vegas the week of my graduation.
The whole, "Friends over Family" thing came from when I told him I wanted to be with friends, because it was our graduation, and it should be with friends and people who I graduated with. I told him Josh would probably have his parents make sure everything was in order, but other than that they would stay int their rooms, they wouldn't want to hang out with us. Then he says that sounds like a party where you would be drinking and smoking and all this s**t. That basically was the last straw, and I broke down, yelling at him for how he could possibly accuse me or my friends of doing those kinds of things. I think truly the reason I didn't want one, because you know, who would come? Ok, so yeah, maybe most of my friends, but I don't have that many, nobody would show up, and it would look like one of those parties you see on T.V., where it's just the nerds and stuff sitting around doing nothing.
And you can preach and get all corny and s**t and say, "That kind of stuff doesn't matter in a party." Bullshit, I don't need your after-school special, and if someone tells you that's not the case, they're lying to you, get with the picture, this is the real world, not Saved By The Bell. So yeah, I'll admit it, I was worried about people not showing up and the whole thing being a disaster.
So yeah, I was dropping in and out of a bit of a depression. The problem was, I hated dealing with the facts, so I'd put them out of my head, and try to not be so sad, but then it would dawn on me later, and it would suck again. One of the bigges problems I had was with that dispute about my dad. He pulled this one point of his lecture, doing this little parenting technique that I know your parents have done on you before, where he asks you questions and then as you answer them, you realize and solve your own problem.
Ok, I'll do this because she asked. Marisol's sitting next to me, while I'm writing this in the library, and she wanted me to write that she's bugging me while I'm trying to get this done, but that she's cool so it doesn't matter and it's ok with me. Speaking of her, she confused me yesterday when she said I have too much imagination, because yesterday in class, Michelle said I was going to kill her, from making so laugh so much. I went into this intricate storyline where Nadia and Patrick accuse me of murdering her, and in an attempt to get away, I accidentally kill Patrick. So then this little bout of chaos erupts and I'm being chased with torches..long story short, I was bored, and I think up good stories.
Anyway, he asked me who I could trust or depend on for anything under any circumstances, and he asked if I could do that for my friends. Now, I said no, but I'm a Libra, and when someone says something like that I go into a lot of detail to respond to a question like that. So ultimately, I told him I couldn't, because there were just too many technicalities, then he asks me if I could do it for Kelly, or him, or John. So, if I don't say "yes", he'll kick my a**. So, later on in the day, I thought about that long and hard, because of what had happened earlier in the day.
Me and Amber were messing around in Web Design, and this girl Kisha really got in my face about how mean I am to Amber, or my friends in particular. It made me think about if my friends were like that, because they didn't like me, and were too scared to tell me otherwise, or if they were intimidated or something. I wondered how many friends I really did have, and I really sort of drifted away from everyone the next couple of days. I really did feel like I couldn't trust anyone, so I kept my distance, and didn't really even talk. I really hope that's the case, and I try to be a better person. I don't know, people say they see me as a funny person, but they way I joke around, it might hurt other people. What if I'm being myself at the cost of people's feelings or emotions?
I don't know what to think anymore, I guess the people that really felt that way would tell me, but I really am sorry for anyone I've ever hurt like that. I just wish people would tell me about something like that, it's not worth angering people over. I'm a little bit more relaxed after talking to a few people, and I definitely feel better, so I'm just working on things a little bit at a time. I'm doing all the school stuff to please dad and get him off my back, so I figure if I can just keep that in order I'll be alright, and it'll help in the long run. I got my FAFSA's filled out, and I'm just working on saving money for bits and pieces to buy things at the end of school and make sure I don't have any more fines.
Edible Substance · Thu May 04, 2006 @ 06:47pm · 2 Comments |
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