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I feel like you're beating yourself up because we were never meant to be.
I listen to breakup albums and I picture you tearing yourself up because you loved me so damn much and I just couldn't reciprocate.

And I'm sorry that I couldn't.
But you weren't the one I needed in my life, and you weren't anything healthy for me.
And It's easy to blame you, and I used you cheating as an escape route instead of letting you have a chance to explain or try to communicate or figure out our lives.

But Portugal gave me everything I needed in two weeks, to see clearly that you weren't good for me. And I'm sorry that you weren't good for me, that I wasn't good for you, that we would never stand a chance at happiness because I didn't love you.

And that probably would kill you to hear, and it probably kills you that I've moved on to a guy you know I've had feelings for for over a year now. But he makes me laugh in ways you never could, and he and I make love in ways you and I never would, and he and I can relax easy with each other, or go on an adventure, and he shares so many of my passions that it seems unfair to let you think you ever stood a chance against him.

And I'm not saying I'm in love with him, but I'm saying I'm happy with him. And that's what I want, that's what I deserve. That's what you deserve too, and you'll find that girl or guy or whoever it is that's going to do that for you. And you should.

How things ended seems kind of blurry now. I was gone for two weeks, discovered you cheated, continued to talk to you while I was away so you wouldn't destroy my things. I landed in the US. I called you and let you know I survived. Then I went to work, ran into my new boyfriend, and we made plans to go to dinner. And we did. And it was fun. It was nice. Then we went four wheeling, you called and you called without any answer. That was cruel of me, but I was happy and I was having the time of my life with the guy I've wanted to spend time with for so long. Our first kiss was in a forrest, he was sitting on a tree branch and I was sitting on his knee. Sparks flew, I swear. He taught me how to swim that day. We kissed and we laughed and he held me in the pool. Its a day I'll never forget. 34 missed calls from you, probably 50 texts. There's no exaggeration in those numbers. You were worried, I was enjoying myself.

When did you realize it was over? After I blocked your number, deleted you off Facebook? When you couldn't hear my voice, or see my life, or even send me a message saying you loved me?

I went about things wrong, I know this and I'm sorry. But I had to escape. You were toxic, you were eating me alive. If I had married you, I hate to say it, but I surely would have fled from you in worse ways. So, I'm sorry.

But I'm happy now. Very, very happy. I'm a paid writer, I go on adventures all the time with this guy, and I never stop smiling. Its a feeling I didn't even realize I missed.