If you want someone to reconnect with you, say so.
I'm not someone whose going to sit here and figure the riddle you're desperately trying to put together.
I don't have time for that.
If you miss me, say so.
If you're simply curious, say so.
If you're anxious to see if my life has gotten better or fallen into a terribly deep, cold hole then just ******** say so.
I'm not someone whose even mildly amused by mind games.
I haven't taken part in them for quite sometime, and quite frankly, it would be rather disheartening to think you still do.
I figured you would be better than that.
What do I know though?
You've been a distant memory for over a year now.
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It's been a hectic week at work, but I've definitely been doing all I can to show everyone that I'm committed to excellence.
I applied for a position where I'll have weekends off, and I really hope I get it because it'd be great to have the weekends off to go on trips to Richmond, or DC, or down to Carolina.
I really, really hope I get the time off approved so that I can go see Bri in Frisco for my 21st birthday.
We don't really use the term best friend, but she'll always be my closest friend and I'm really grateful that we've been talking more.
She's really the only person I can think of when I think of people who help better my life, who genuinely care about the progress I make in it, and I hope she can say the same about me.
It's crazy to think that someone you've met so long ago can be such a constant in your life, even if the times where we've gone our separate ways to grow as individuals. You've always meant something special to me, and I sense that you always will. No matter how angry we could get with one another, you're the only person I could imagine spending my days with, seeing the world, hiking through Europe, learning even more about ourselves than college or temporary friends could ever teach us.
I know I don't tell people I appreciate everything they do for me enough, but I hope you know I constantly think to myself how lucky I am to have met you and how lucky I am to still have you in my life today. Too many people leave to grow as individuals and never feel the need to come back to the people that they love.
I worry that I love John more than he loves me. I find myself noticing things that have happened in relationships with people that I've felt intoxicatingly loving to, like Erik and Luis, and it frightens me because I can feel that he isn't anywhere near as crazy about me as I am about him. But I wasn't anywhere near as in love with Randy as he was with me.
I wanted to believe that its worse being the one who doesn't love the other person more, but really its like wearing a wet sock with an electric eel zapping you being the one who cares so much more. And as desperately as I try, I can't muster up a cold enough shoulder, because John always knows how to warm me back up. Its truly bothersome.
I know that love is something you have to constantly work at, but I know that there are qualities in John that I don't really care for. I hate that he's tardy, that he seems so lackadaisical in his actions when something matters to me, but not to him. I hate that it seems like only his friends matter, and maybe that's because he has more friends, so he has more options. I hate that he didn't ask me to go to a show with him tonight, and I'm not sure if its because he thought I wouldn't like the music, or if its because he didn't want to be obligated to stand with me because he wanted to run around and dance.
There are so many qualities that I love about him, but are they selfish reasons? Do I only love him for superficial things, or are they deep, beautiful things? I wrote him a small prose for Christmas. But will he find these things silly, or will he realize how much he means to me?
"The heavy exhalation that crashes against my ear, the deep inhale that takes it all away, as if it was the ocean against my knees, makes me feel at home. The strong arms under my head and over my waist, like a life jacket keeping me from floating deep into the sea. The body heat, like the sun on a cold day, keeping things warm enough to stay. The bristles of your beard like the sand, tickling and prickling as the breeze tosses it against my back.
How do I find the words to express the millions of thoughts constantly spinning in my head? Those thoughts gaining speed as they spin, creating a whirlpool that takes hold unexpectedly, trying to pull me down, filling my lungs with water? That whirlpool of thoughts, of hopes, and dreams of the future, constantly begs to engulf you as well. Yet, as I surface, gasping for air, I can’t seem to pull the words together into a steady stream that flows effortlessly, to sound enticing, to make you want to stay, be grasped by this whirlpool of love, of thoughts, of hopes, and dreams.
How do I find a way to tell you you’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of? How do I find a way to love you in a way that doesn’t make you feel smothered? How do I find a way to help you see that this whirlpool isn’t as dangerous as it sounds? Like it’s intoxicating, and alluring, and that everything its promising can come to fruition so long as I have you by my side and you have me by yours?
How do I tell you all the things I love about you? The way you move with such ease, as if you’re the one controlling the tides? The confidence that radiates off you as you walk into a room, making friends as if you’ve been in the school of fish with them for as long as you can remember? The humility, the passions, the honesty? Or the way you make me laugh, how I can’t help but smile when I think about you? The way you look at me when we make love, the twinkle in your eye?
How do I tell you from the very first moment I saw you, I knew you were special? How do I convey it in a way so you know that was something I really thought, and not just something I’m saying now that we’re together? How do I tell you about the way you make my heart race, whether you’re right beside me, or I’m talking to you through a screen?
There are so many things I could do, things I could say, grand gestures I could try to pull off, but would any of those things be enough to show you just how truly special you are to me? How drastically you’ve changed my life for the better? No, they’ll never be enough and I hope you never grow merely content with this love affair. I never want to feel the passion loosen its reigns on my heart for you, I want to constantly fight the tides and find myself reaching new heights to love you.
I want to see the world with you, climb mountains with you, try new things, see new places, make new memories that you’ll tell your children and your friends and anyone who will listen. I want to be around to hear you retell these memories in the way only you can remember them, and hear your words that are uniquely yours as they paint the pictures of the days we’re spending together. There’s no simpler way to say how I feel other than saying “I love you,” and there’s no grander sentiment I can honestly say than “I love you.”
And I hope you know I do, that I love you, and no matter where things go, how the seas may make things sway, as I tell the tale of my own Richard Parker, you’ll be on the lifeboat of my tales as well."
