so, despite not feeling well from sleep deprevation (staying up late and getting up unusually early to do school related "s**t" wink i went for my walk. . . . while i was out there, it ocurred to me. . . . my dreamworld is closer to my reality than i thought. . . . my reality keeps dragging my dreamworld downwords into a dark and depressing land while its trying to pull my reality up into a happy, adorable, love-filled land . . . . and for once, art doesnt help. in fact, it works against me. especially now.
ART IS MY LIFE. it always has been and i have never been passionate about anything the way i am about art. i get offended when people say they cant do art or that its so hard. they dont realize that anyone can get be good with practice. even those born with the talent arent good without studying and practicing. and until recently i never fully understood that. it wasnt until recently that i got to see my work almost simultaneously as seeing other peoples. the art show has had me down, and having to turn in my portfolio today just got me even lower. i saw how inferior mine was to a lot of other students . . . . but in seeing my inferiority, i was also able to see my flaws. . . . and what i should concentrate on in future projects. and while i am exhausted and feeling very low, my competitive spirit is back. ART is the only thing in this world that i feel competitve about. . . . i used to be grade competitive but that went away when i started struggling. . . . Art is also the only thing that i can stand even when we are doing something that bores me or that i really dont like. i might feel like im suffering when i go into an art class and have to draw my self portrait several times and what not, but for some reason its more endurable than other things.
ART IS A FREEDOM - AND A PRISON - i thought of this during computer science today while feeling rather kind of hyper and philisophical. . . . - it refers to how art is the only thing in the world that i enjoy and can keep me focused and relaxed and calm and able to function. without it, id be so grounded to the earth that id never be able to see what im supposed to learn or do because of stress and depression and frustration and whatever else. . . . but art has become the only real thing in my life. the only thing that matters to me. it keeps me captive and i cant escape it. fleeting images keep me awake at night or distracted during the day until i draw them. amazing ideas flash into my mind for mere seconds and then if i ever get the chance to draw them, they never turn out the right way. and then there is the fact that im worried about my art portfolio and the interview ive got tomorrow. . . . i realized yesterday and today how pathetic id be if i didnt get into an ap class for the only thing id ever wanted to do and ever thought i was good at. . . . well, i also thought i was good at math, but last year happened and i never recovered. . . . i just think my life would lose some meaning if i didnt get into ap art.
o yeah and a lil while ago geoff and my "mom" were fighting. . . . which reminds me of more s**t but im too tired to type. . . . eh, what the hell, i may as well or itll keep me up. . . .
lets see, my mom got on me this morning for my dirty clothes and said how important it was to her and bla bla bla and it made me feel like s**t from 6:30am till i was in first period and even then it carried with me a little bit. . . . i realized i need to start detatching myself more from her or it will be impossible for me to leave this house when the time comes. . . . she's one of the reasons why i never feel right sleeping out. im too attatched. i think it has something to do with all the movies and things i had to deal with when i was little where the mom died and all the time i had to think about what if something were to happen to her. . . . i remember thinking for the longest time, like up until maybe even just this year, that if she died id probably kill myself because id miss her too much and there is no way id live with rick and his sons. . . .
another thing i thought about was how iv changed since december due to counciling and even better are my walks. . . . i remembered christmas . . . . geoff scared me so badly, i though hed kill us all. . . . and the whole incident with the police and everything else . . . . i cant believe that for a while there i had forgotten how i ended up in counciling. . . . but its because i havent had time to remember or think about any of that. . . . lately ive been thinking more about the day-to-day worries and reliefs. . . .
anywho, i hear voices from downstairs i want to go check on (see if its gregs friends (which i like to "hang out" with, or geoffs friends which i like to avoid/threaten) then i need to get to sleep so i can get up early and do my math. . . . yay for more sleep deprevation. . . . o and i need to yell at them all to keep it down. . . . my mom thinks im ultra-sensitive to noise. . . . maybe i am. . . . even the littlest noise tends to bug me or keep me awake or whatever. . . .
Unni Ineo · Wed May 17, 2006 @ 04:05am · 0 Comments |