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well, i had a lot of fun at dagmar's bday party. . . .
and for once, i didnt get a headache while hanging around everyone. . . . instead i just started to get kinda tired and very thirsty. . . . but that might not even have anything to do with being around people. . .
anywho, my mom ran way late picking me up. . . . sian left around 11:15, xiao left when my "mom" said shed be there to pick me up when i had called her. . . . and then a while later my mom called the cell phone that i have and i didnt answer because she said shed give me a call when she got there. . . . so, i grab all my stuff and say my goodbye and then look around and notice that i dont see her car. . . . so i call her and find out shes just leaving the house, over ten minutes past when she was supposed to be there. . . . in other words, i had called her and been waiting for half an hour. . . .
and while i stood alone for the next ten or so minutes, i couldnt help but go back to my thinking of how i wish someone would just take me away and how i really just dont want to go home. . . .
so, finally she shows up (along with greg and his friend) and she unknowingly admits to me that im not important to her. . . . she said that she "ranks" things and that one of geoff's friends parents had called as she was leaving, and instead of saying shed call him back, trying to find a way to shorten the conversation, or even just giving me a quick call when she first realized that it wasnt going to be a short conversation instead of waiting until she was already over ten minutes late. . . . and it got me to realizing that that's the way it always is. . . . other people always come first because im so damn trust worthy and what not. . . . i mean, im the only one i know that has never tried alcohol or drugs or stolen anything or done anything like that and had almost every opportunity to. . . . its my damn conscience. and even if i did any of those things, it wouldnt matter to anyone. i mean, iv stayed out for four or five hours past when i was supposed to go home without getting in contact with anyone and i didnt even get a 'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" or "WHAT WERE YOU DOING ALL THIS TIME?" or anything. . . . it was just a "so, did you have fun? where were for the past few hours? o really? thats nice. i'm glad you got to hang out with your friends" if it werent for my high standards and my over-active conscience, i swear id be able to get away with so much s**t. geoff is gone for ten minutes and they start flipping out, running around and making hundreds of phone calls and suspecting him of doing drugs. i disappear for ten minutes and people figure im either in my room or out for a walk.
sometimes, i really wish they would suspect me of something. it really sucks. the only time they worry about anything involving me is when it annoys them. like when i dont clean the cat box for a few days or when i leave a huge mess. other than that, they dont care and they dont notice me. and then other times i wish they wouldnt notice me. god, why couldnt i just be as screwed up as the rest of the teenage population.
o yeah, the reason why i shouldnt hang out with friends or go to parties where id actually enjoy myself. cuz i always notice how bad things are around me when i leave. i start to feel lonely and neglected. and it just . . . . i dunno. . . . i end up like this. . . . worn out and overly sensitive to every little thing.
so, im trying to make myself feel better so i can sleep. . . . listening to groove coverage because even their sad songs sound happy. . . . but its not helping much, if at all. . . .
so emo right now. . . .
Unni Ineo · Sat May 27, 2006 @ 06:00am · 2 Comments |
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