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JUST LEAVE ME THE ******** ALONE X0 |
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ya. . . . well, im hungry but i dont feel like eating. . . . this is what happens when i miss/skip my walk for more than a day. . . .
i went downstairs to get food. . . . i finally found something and then the next thing i knew me and my "mom" were yelling back and forth and i didnt feel like eating anymore. . . .
today, she hurt her back and so i rubbed it for her and gave up my notions of going to the store and getting the things i needed and the things i wanted. . . .
and yet she still acts like i didnt do anything and like im the most selfish person on the face of the earth. . . . no wait, she acts like im just like everyone else in this damn house. Where they just ignore the fact that someone is hurt and keep demanding more and more from other people. but im not.
iv given up on asking for help and try to be independent since i get yelled at anytime i ask for help, but then i get yelled at when i screw up and people interfere when im doing something i actually can do and then they use the times that i ask for help or say i cant do something as an example of me not doing anything for myself. theyve tried to convince me, and pretty much succeded, that i am lazy and try to get everyone to do everything for me.
and to make matters worse, i have always been the only one that cares when my "mom" gets hurt or is depressed. iv always been the sympathetic one that tries to take care of her just how she USED TO care for me when i was little. she, and everyone else, has stopped caring about me at all. i go to a councilor because they dont care enough to open their ears and minds long enough to hear even a small fraction of what i try to say and my councilor doesnt have a clue about how impossible it is to find a way around everything when NO ONE in the house cares about anyone. o yeah, so despite that she knows im the one that takes care of her, she complains to me about how shes always doing what i want when i want it (making me feel guilty about something that isnt even true since she spends all of her time either on the phone, the computer, or dealing with geoff-related things) im always the one that ends up hearing her spiels about how NO ONE helps out and NO ONE cares about her or gives her time to to take care of herself or does what needs to be done or anything. yet, within the past few years, out of me and my two "brothers", i have been the only one to do even a single chore, and at least half of the time iv done it without being asked. iv done all sorts of things to help out; things from just emptying out the dishwasher to scrubbing down and reorganizing the entire kitchen. iv been the only one who has tried to make her feel better when shes been sick or injured, such as the whole few weeks after her surgery or even today, and iv even taken care of her when she was just trying to take a nap. The things that i do are usually done out of simply having an overactive conscience and sense of compassion, and are done without any thoughts of reward or recognition. I really dont need any thanks. I just want for people to quit telling me im selfish, dependent, lazy, and all that other s**t. I want them to quit complaining to me and grouping me in with all of the problems caused by other people.
I have found that because i am the only one that tends to spend a lot of time in the house, i am the one who always ends up catching hell. and most of the time, its because they are angry about something someone else is doing or has already done. Like when geoff disappeared for a few days and i was the one that got the lecture on how worried "mom" was and how rick should care more about where his son is and he should lose sleep over it too and how outrageous it is to call the police on your own son and GAH!!!! just stop it all now!! please, i just want for people to leave me alone. ill respect them by not saying a word or interfering in any way with their lives, except when i need something from the store and cant find any other way to get it, if theyll just leave me completely alone except for when absolutely necessary
maybe i will go for a walk afterall. . . . i just need to find some socks, shoes, my sweatshirt or something warm, and grab my "mom"'s cellphone (because ill get a short lecture containing about 1 sentence, and i quote, "I really wish you would at leasts take a cell phone with you when you go out for a walk after dark" . . . . and thats about as much caring as i get out of anyone in this house stare
anywho, lets just see if i ever make it out the door. . . .
damn my eyes sting and im already tired. . . . but i still need a walk. . . .
Unni Ineo · Mon May 22, 2006 @ 03:53am · 0 Comments |
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