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"You didn't love her.
You just didn't want to be alone.
Or maybe she was good for your ego.
Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life.
But you didn't love her because you don't destroy the person that you love."

I was scrolling through my Facebook when I read that and it stopped me. I started asking myself, realistically, Do I really love her and if so, can I even claim I do after everything I've done?

I don't know nor do I feel like I'll ever really know the answer to that question. It depends on who is looking at the scenario. I believe that, those closest to us, hurts us the most. That pain from your lover should be understood why it happened and talked through so to prevent it in the future... Though I guess I've had more than a few conversations and still repeated the same things...

You know, I have done wrong... Done a lot of it and said a lot more sorry's then maybe a lot of people... But this isolation has shown me, through dreams and interactions with others, what I truly lost and why I lost it.

I want you to know that I don't need you anymore in my life. That I can be happy and I can keep living without you. I want you to know that I will never forget the things you've taught me and the dreams that we shared together... Even if it's alone, I'll make them come true. I don't need you in my life to do anything... I want you in it because I love you and everything feels incomplete without you. Each time the sun rises and the moon falls, my day just feels half-way done... Each activity feels almost non-existent. Maybe I just want to tell you how my day went and listen to you about yours again...

I just wish that we could have a conversation... Or maybe I just need to finally tell myself it really is over.

Yet these beautiful dreams about you and I keep me up at night. Ones that you come back and we make it through each other's mistakes, creating that magical spark... Me finally giving you what I've always promised: A real lover.

I guess that's why I'm so afraid to sleep nowadays... I don't want to start believing in them again...