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So, I'm writing this because I just have to tell someone. Everything has been on my mind all day and no matter how much I don't acknowledge it, it won't go away. I feel so numb, I don't know how to even describe it, I just know, sitting here in my bed at 11:57 pm on a Tuesday night, I feel numb. I'm so neutral and apathetic right now, I feel like the only emotion I know is sadness but when I'm not feeling sad I can't feel anything. All day I tried to register what was going on, but it felt like things were moving and I wasn't. In class, I could see the time moving but it still felt like nothing had happened at all. I was walking on campus and didn't even know if I was walking, I questioned what was keeping me from falling over, why wasn't I lying on the ground or in my bed. I just wanted to wither away. I avoided my dorm after class because all I could think about was the sharp objects I could use for a straight cut into my skin, like that pain release would make me feel better but I knew it wouldn't, I would just do it again and again, seeking some kind of justification for the pain to match outside what I felt inside. I felt like all eyes were on me, even though I knew no one was looking at me, I felt like if they did they were judging me. Thinking "What's that girl doing out here, ew, go back inside." It's all in my head, all of this but it feels so real. I know I'm breathing but simultaneously I feel like I'm suffocating. The amount of air I'm putting into my lungs isn't going there at all, it feels like my breathing is shallow, and it might be, but I feel like I'm taking the deepest, slowest breaths of my life. All I want is to be alone, but at the same time I want to be held, and at the same time I want to hold someone. I want everything to make sense again, I need it to come full circle some how. I need someone to understand and I need someone to talk too. Everyone tells you, you aren't alone, but I feel so isolated right now. Currently, no one in my life has depression or has dealt with mental illness before, so when I try to talk about it they immediately ask to change the subject or ask me why I don't just stop thinking about it. I can't, I try, it's always on my mind! Even when I'm happy, I'm thinking of the next time I'll feel like this. Hopeless, useless, irrelevant--constantly thinking "What's the point..." AH, I feel like I'm screaming for help for no one can hear me. I'm playing this perpetual game of charades, people are guessing but they aren't getting it right so I have to keep acting until they guess correctly but they get bored of playing and tap out so the next person comes and does the same thing. I didn't ask for this and I wish people understood that. I wish people treated it like they treated physical illness, willing to help you, but for some reason you tell someone how you feel and they stray away because they can't relate. I DON'T KNOW FRIENDS, I have so many thoughts, and so many thinks, and I'm thinking so much but I can't turn it off so it just keeps coming out like word vomit. Except, the other problem is, talking in real life about how I currently feel honestly reads like this because my brain is a bowl of alphabet soup with words everywhere not waiting their turn to be said. I was trying to sleep but it didn't work, maybe it will now.

Thanks for reading, I wish y'all the best.
Xoxo -Tiffany