There have been times in my life where I have been drawn to Christianity and religious people. It was part of my identity when I was a young teenager. At the time, it was something that I tried really hard to embrace and believe. Christianity was around me in a lot of ways during my most memorable teenage years, so I think I am drawn to it now like a nostalgia.
At times, I find myself envious of religious people who believe in an afterlife or a creator who cares about you and has taken care of everything. It must give them a sense of comfort, which sounds nice. Every now and again, I'll find myself sullen about death, about one day no longer feeling the things I feel. There's no comfort for me in death, just fear and anxiety.
I don't have any sort of magic in my world view. Sometimes, I'll worry seriously about humans or the planet. I mean, a collapse could happen, right? All it takes is a well placed natural disaster, or a particular world leader, or decades of ignoring warning signs. I don't have any beliefs in my head telling me that things will work out, so I worry, but only mildly. It doesn't make the day-to-day difficult, but it's enough to keep me awake every odd night.
The thing about religious beliefs is that we say things like "it's your choice to be Christian", but it isn't exactly a "choice" in the normal sense of the word. I made a choice to write this journal entry, but I could have easily decided not to write it . But I don't "choose" to not believe in Christianity, I'm not able to believe in it. It feels too much like a fantasy, a dream someone thought up. It would be like trying to believe that the earth is flat, or that the sky is green, or 2 + 2 = 5. I couldn't believe those things even if I tried.
So, instead, I just end up feeling small and insignificant sometimes. Without a belief that someone is taking care of us, I worry about the world and our place in it.
I envy religious people, I really do.
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There is a famous story told in Chassidic literature that addresses this very question. The Master teaches the student that God created everything in the world to be appreciated, since everything is here to teach us a lesson.
One clever student asks, "What lesson can we learn from atheists? Why did God create them?"
The Master responds "God created atheists to teach us the most important lesson of them all - the lesson of true compassion. You see, when an atheist performs an act of charity, visits someone who is sick, helps someone in need, and cares for the world, he is not doing so because of some religious teaching. He does not believe that God commanded him to perform this act. In fact, he does not believe in God at all, so his acts are based on an inner sense of morality. And look at the kindness he can bestow upon others simply because he feels it to be right."
"This means," the Master continued, "that when someone reaches out to you for help, you should never say 'I pray that God will help you.' Instead, for the moment, you should become an atheist, imagine that there is no God who can help, and say 'I will help you.'"
The internet resource I pulled this from claims that it's from Tales of the Hasidim by Martin Buber, although I haven't confirmed whether or not that's true. And maybe it doesn't matter...words said by anyone can have significance.