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~discouragement~ and random thoughts |
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im feeling really discouraged right about now. heh, as though the title didnt give that one away. rolleyes im overly stressed. its getting difficult to sleep again. im stressed over my art s**t again. iv been trying to force myself to get started and just do something, but things keep getting in my way. the undone setup, the photos needing to be bigger and on the computer, my lack of ideas, lack of motivation, misplaced materials, limited paper supply. . . . and the lacking time left between now and school. ive got about 15 days before the first day of school. and im really feeling it. i completely missed july. it just disappeared. and while i can most likely get a project done in a day, maybe 2 if im using paint or something, those 15 days feels more like 5 days. and to make matters worse, im having major doubts about a lot of things. like the point in wasting my child hood going to school when its not going to give me any advantage in the long run. think about it, by the time we would graduate from college, even idiots would have college degrees. besides, there are lots of jobs out there that dont require even so much as a high school degree that still pay well. my older brothers friend is working as a security gaurd, making i think around $8.50 an hour, and is thinking of trying to become a sherif, which pays a lot more and only requires that you meet the physical conditions, that if you have tried drugs, that it was only marajuana and that you havent done it within a few months, and that you work as a security gaurd at a prison. and even worse, just because you go to college, spend tons of money, study hard, go deep into debt, and graduate, doesnt mean that you are going to get a good job. you could still end up working at a fast food joint for $5 an hour. also, i really dont think i can stand another year of school, let alone 4 more after that to go to college for who knows what reason. all my life, ive known i was going to do something with art. but art doesnt pay. at least not well, unless you are extremely good, fast, and lucky enough to have good social skills. and even then, who actually buys art any more? i suppose i could try to do something like interior decorating or fashion design or some random thing like that, but i dont think i would ever be truly happy having to do those things for a living. and once again, those require social skills that i lack. and besides, with everyone expecting me to take courses on art and to get a job as an artist, it really makes me feel like i dont want to do it anymore. dont get me wrong, i love to draw and do all sorts of stuff. i just mean that i think id rather just do it all as recreation. if i were to make a manga or something, it would solely be because i want to do it, not cuz id get paid for it. things just lack any sense of passion or interest when you hafta do them.
one little thing ive always wanted. the reason why i love the movie the Stepford Wives, with nicole kidman in it. her husband askes her if she really wanted to be something along the lines of a manhating cold-hearted career-b***h and she answers "ever since i was a little girl". that right there was when i decided i love that movie, because when i was a little girl, watching the career-b***h type women on tv, i always tried to imagine myself someday being like that. what a happy childhood dream to have, no? 4laugh i remember trying to act all snobby and perfect and always doing my homework to the best of my ability. i used to love school back then and i was great at it. i was making straight A's from 4th grade until i reached junior high. i think thats when i stopped trying to be a snobby person. i still aimed for perfect but i never reached it. i also stopped doing school work as soon as i got home. junior high was when i first fully realized my passion for anime and began staying up late to watch it instead of staying up late to read books like i used to. now i stay up simply because i cant sleep or because im addicted to the computer. . . . and occassionally, its just because its a really pretty night and i want to stair at the sky or something. anywho, 7th grade, i got a b on my report card for the first time in forever and felt really discouraged as though i had gotten a d or an f, but still had hope of bringing it up. 8th grade was the same story. 9th grade i felt hopeless of ever seeing straight a's again but still cared about grades. 10th grade i cared a little less. and then last year while i cared, i couldnt do anything about it. i couldnt even touch my backpack. oi, i digress. anywho, come to think of it, i dont even really remember actually knowing that i wanted to be an artist. it was more of a "this is what i like and im good at" type thing. it was never really a "this is what i want to do for a living" type thing. ive always felt awkward about showing people my art and usually i get really depressed after i do. iv always enjoyed keeping things secret. perhaps thats why i like the internet? i can share all of my secrets and still feel like iv kept them. those that read it are usually people that are somewhat close to me and most of the time only one or two people actually read it. up until recently, i used to draw like a fiend and never show anyone because i would draw to make me happy. now i draw because i have to draw for school or when i draw, i draw stuff that i wont mind showing people. no odd poses, no disturbing pictures, if i put mouths on people, i either make them smile or give them a tiny line or dot. no expression, no story telling. . . . i wonder if people can sense that i try not to put my real thoughts and feelings into the pictures? i used to make most of my pictures sad but i think it might be because greg started calling me an emo kid that i stopped. seriously, im now more worried about seeming like an emo kid and reaching my "older brother"'s standards than about making myself happy. whats worse, is when im stuck listening to people talking about how geoff feels. like when they talk about geoff looking up to greg and being hurt because greg doesnt accept him. i always think, "well, its not like he accepts me either." and "well, i looked up to greg too" greg was the one that first tried to teach me how to draw anime. it sucked, but back then it was so much better than mine. and whats worse than hearing about how that makes geoff feel? being lectured by someone about changing myself and how geoff and rick are tring to change themselves! (which they arent) or how about how sometimes i need to be the one to start something nice? (like i havent tried a million times and been taken advantage of for it) or how about this one. the one that just takes the cake for me. "ya know, geoff really just wishes things were the way they were when you all were little. he wants things back to when you all would play together and everyone got along" and of course a lot of this comes from my "grandma" who would never let me get away with just walking away or ignoring her. so im forced to sit there and think about how its too late to go back and how i wish it could have been that way forever. iv actually heard that one from melissa several times. i always think about how everyone has changed for the worse since then. how no one makes an effort, especially him, to fix things.
and when i think about how everyone goes on from day to day. and how people say they care about you. and i think back. i see things occur in daily life to other people that have happened to me. geoffs friend the other day hurt his ankle and was brought inside while i was watching some romantic comedy where they decided they were going to throw in some claymation hamburgers that fell in love. (it was an 80's movie where some guy was going crazy because his girlfriend broke up with him) so, im ignoring the moaning sounds from geoffs friend and the sound of geoff eating his damn watermelon and when i saw the claymation hamburgers is did a tiny laugh and said silly hamburger love. and i was told to "shut the ******** up" and called a b***h by geoff and his friend because they thought id actually laugh at someone in pain. but that was beside the point. rick came in and was all concerned about brians ankle and mom was trying to care for it and bla bla bla. and i thought about the time i broke my wrist. the thing that will always remind me how much i hate rick. playing in a leaf pile that had been moved by rick on top of a cement slab in our backyard after he had torn down my playhouse a few years too early. being thrown in by gregs friend who lived across the street. i landed wrong, hurt my wrist. i cried and cried and my mom looked out the kitchen window and yelled for rick, who was in our side yard, to go see if i was alright. . . . *insert scoff* he simply glanced over and yelled back "shes fine" and went about his merry way. my mom yelled again to actually go look but he just ignored her. she came out, checked on me, decided i should go to the hospital. the next thing i knew, i was in a purple cast. sad, that my earliest memory should be of something like that. i was only 3 or 4. i didnt even know melissa yet. which meant i wasnt in preschool yet. but i always just kind of figured it was just the way he was. then i began to realize it was because he only cared about himself. only thats not always true. O NO. its that he just doesnt care about anyone who isnt just like him. hes always cared about geoff and geoffs friends. and occassionaly he has cared about greg. but me and rick. never. NEVER. he has said that he does love me and he does care about me and that he is proud of me and he thanks me for doing things occassionaly, things that i do for myself or for mom and no one else. he acts like we have a perfectly healthy relationship and that if we dont that its all my fault. and people always look at us and see that hes being such a great "dad" and hes soo nice to me and is always doing things for me like driving me and my friends around and he earns money for the "family" and then they look at me and if i dont put on the sherade of getting along with him, then they look at me like im crazy and bitchy and such an awful ******** person. i hate it soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. and then if makes me feel really awkward being around friends when hes near because they know how much i hate him but they never can seem to understand why and never will so long as he pretends to be mr. perfect "dad". . . .
and yet again i have digressed and gone into rant mode. i believe i was actually intending on writing about how much school sucks and how much i just wish i could have stayed 4 forever because the world was so big and happy and there were so few worries and all the time in the world and no school or responsibility and bla bla bla. but i really dont feel like bothering anymore right now. i really think this is long enough for now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my horoscope is working again, finally. too bad it didnt show up to give me words of wisdom yesterday stare 08/08/2006 Confucius-like thoughts come out in a steady stream, so jot them down for later reference. At the moment they'll seem perfect, if pithy, and later you'll be able to expand on their wisdom and make stories.
08/09/2006 The impulse to be saintly and assist others in all aspects of life motivates you into high gear and helps you to concoct plans for making the world a happier place, full of dancing, singing and hand-holding.
08/10/2006 Energy floods you and pushes you into major action, letting you try out new ideas as if they were clothes in a department store. Parade in front of the mirror of your consciousness and see what you think, you devil.
Unni Ineo · Wed Aug 09, 2006 @ 06:16pm · 0 Comments |
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