There was so much weakness in those blue eyes. There was so much pain…
A shiver ran down her spine as she stared into her reflection…wondering where things got so bad.
She could tell herself over and over that things would get better, sometimes, in her little world…she would believe it. But some days, days like this…she could feel the failure, the pressure, the stress…everything bad she ever felt collapsing on her…suffocating her…making the biggest of worlds feel small. She could remember her previous episodes of claustrophobia and hated the feeling…because it made her feel small…like her life was nothing.
The setting of the sun became visibly noticeable, her once brightly lit room now a faded grey…almost black but the open curtained window preventing the feel of pitch black, which she was eternally grateful for. It was going to be another one of those nights. The nights where she depressed herself to sleep…feeling those stinging tears well up in her eyes but trying to be strong she held them in, refusing to cry when there were still people in the house…afraid of them hearing her and try to comfort her.
She didn’t know why, but comfort felt awkward, even with family and friends. She had always felt like she needed to escape when they comforted her, like it was wrong. The kind of wrong people go to the police for kind of wrong. She hated she felt that way but she couldn’t change it. She just wasn’t a touch feely kind a girl. This confused her to know end.
She fantasized about being in the arms of a guy who would protect her…care for her…not make her handle things on her own but to help her…to do everything that wasn’t like it was now.
She could feel the darkness creep up on her, her room scaring her without any lights. The window being her only light didn’t seem to help and she was waiting for the darkness to capture her and make all her worse fears come true.
The neighbors all had their lights on in their houses and she couldn’t stop the string of curses or the new set of tears that came. They weren’t losing their minds in their own claustrophobic world…they weren’t in debt up past there heads, drowning in it. In more logical situations she would have told herself that wasn’t true but the pain of having nothing to hold on to that even resembled hope was crushing her…from the inside out. In that moment…there were no reprieves…there was no help…no hope…only fear…only sadness…only pain…only stress…only misunderstandings.
That was the world she had...those off and on episodes of depression that happened whenever the moment got too much to handle.
She can remember comforting her mother when times were rough, telling her things will work out but she didn’t know if she truly believed it. And now, sitting in her room, she thinks about an awkward comfort her mother would give her, telling her things will be okay and she can imagine the look in her mothers’ eyes and know that she doesn’t believe it anymore than she does. That awkward comfort would get worse, at which point she would make up an excuse to leave and disappear into her room, leaving only the closing of a door behind her. She felt betrayed by her own feelings, her own life…and she never knew how to deal with it. She can still remember, as she looks at the cloudy sky hoping either for it to rain or for the clouds to clear so she could see the moon, when she would ride in a car, her head resting on the window and imagining her head slamming through the glass, the rain washing the glass and blood off the side of the car and she would lay there, the others in the car not noticing and her head bleeding and her face out the window, rain patting on face, hoping maybe the blood and rain mix could erase her faults…make her something worthy of beauty…not the hideous creature she believed she was.
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TotalDarkness
Please don't read this. These are the pointless rants, ravings and stupidity "writings" of a very pathetic young-en.
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-Celestial-Sorceress-
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