Well.... today.... and up to about 2-3 days before were the shittiest days of my life.... well... I'd hate to write about it but its a way of getting this off my chest and I haven't made a journal post in quite a while.
Well... this is how it started... a guy friend of mine liked me when I was taken...(I really don't want to get into details at all) welol... any ways... I told him I was taken and he knew... so then he still liked me.. and I kinda liked him... and so one day I guess we got real close.. (not that way!! >_> wink and he told me he loved me... I was so happy at that point I could have... well.... not die but you get the picture... and me and the guy I was with had already broken up at that point but I never told the guy that liked me... and then... the very next day... after all of that... I saw he liked some one else now.... and I guess at the time it didn't hurt me... but then as a few minutes or hours or so went by it started to hurt like.... I don't know but it hurt a lot... my heart felt like it was going to burst and I felt like crying... I mean I felt... used... like a toy... like I didn't even matter to him at all... like every word of love.... was a lie... like everything he said was a lie. I mean if he would have never said ahe loved me... or if he would have just told me he liked some one else now I think it wouldn't hurt as much as it did.. and still does... so he won't talk to me about it now and he seems to be avoiding me... and it hurts like hell cuz I don't understand... how you could tell some one you love them and then the next day replace them with someone else.... I mean... do they even think of how the other person feels... is love just a word that you tell someone because you feel like it to see what they say?.... I just don't get it at all.. and it still hurts.... maybe a bit more... like I need to cry but I don't want to... and everytime I laugh its bitter... like my heart is saying to my brain "{why are you laughing? laughing wont take the pain away, it wont make you happy again." so then it makes me want to cry more... and it makes it hurt more.
I still haven't cried yet... cuz I'm not sure if its something to cry about.... I don't hate him or her.. I just want to know why.... I mean.... well... I related this to how when new toys come out to a freidn when he asked whats wrong
Its like... the game boy color or some thing... like I was the DS.. and he was playing with me, having a good time... and then the game boy mini or micro... whatever its called comes out he wants that.. so he tosses the DS aside and gets the newer one... and never plays with the DS again.... well... I guess thats how I feel.... like I was played with, tossed aside, and forgotted about... and it hurts really bad... so I'm trying to get why he did this to me... but he wont talk to me... he's been avoiding me ever since I told him I knew... hhhm... I kept telling people that asked whats wrong that I'll be over it in time, that its nothing and I'll be ok... no worries... but now I feel like I was wrong and that I should talk about it.... but for some reason I tell people that its nothing... I even turned down help from one of my best friends when she asked what was wrong and that she was there to help me... and I told her it was nothing and I'll be over it... I'm so stupid... I feel so low righht now... and I guess I'm starting to cry now... small bits of tears come out... I really need help with this one... but I'm too stupid to take it.... can some one help me understand why he would do this... how?... and I guess I'm at the point where if I hear a song... it seems sad... even if it was happy before this all happened... and I guess I wont be better until I understand why. or I completely remove him from my life... or I find some one else that wont hurt me.. yeah... and holding back tears doesn't do much to help this... it makes it worse... I have like.... a weeks worth of tears stuck in me that keep trying to get oiut... so I have a headachee now too.... well... I guess thats it... and I think this is my pnly actual journal post.... too bad its a sad one...
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.+.Rei The Ripper.+.
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