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I feel so lonely lately, like there's nothing that matters anymore. I love Ryan (Jotter_Riddle) with all my heart, and would give anything to be with him all the time. It's ******** up that I feel that way. I'm with him enough and I know that, but I only seem to be happy when he's sitting by me, or we're playing games together. And knowing that we have to work and that our skills are totally different, we will probably never be able to work together. My feelings are soo confused that I can't think straight. I feel guilty about how I'm feeling or thinking because I know I can never have __?__ and it makes it even harder to do anything like simple driving or errands and work. I throw myself into Gaia and GTA Vice City just so I can stop thinking the thoughts, or I'll read as much as possible so I can escape into another world. But with each time I stop reading, the lonely and sick and anxious feelings get worse. I'm feeling it right now! I hate having to get up and go to some pointless job where I can't do anything to keep myself interested in the job, especially if the job is extremely slow like the one I'm at now. Ryan cares about how I feel and completely understands it, but there's nothing to be done. We need money, and he can't be he only one working. All my old friends have gone their own ways and now none of us are alike. I can't find any friends that have my similar interests or lifestyle: married young, doesn't want kids or have any, big time gamer, book reader...hell I only get one of those, and to actually have a convo there needs to be more than one. I HATE Ryan's best friend, but I know it's not just because of what happened when I first got married. It's just simply him. He's rude, disrespectful, stupid, and bad for Ryan, and though Ryan has finally realized this, he's having the same prob as me finding someone to replace him. On top of it all, I know I'm jealous of Ryan that he was able to keep his best friend while I lost mine. I wish things had gone differently and we were still friends somehow, I just don't see how that could have been done. I'm just so lonely.
UPDATE
after talking with someone about what i only hinted at, i figured i'd add more. i've talked with ryan about how i'm feeling. he unknowingly is making me feel guilty about what's going on in my head. i can understand and respect that he may be bothered by it, but considering that i don't even know where the thoughts came from, i'm not sure when they'll come out of my head, and suppressing them only made it worse. i'm not sure what to do with it, but i'm sure there's a way. sam, i'll send you a message on your own profile. what happened with us is different than what's really happening here, and i'd rather it be more personal, as you were the person i always trusted. zentlair, we had the same thing happen to us a while back, where we both weren't working and were stuck around each other far too much! but with the recent events of my dad moving and his parents moving, we got to be away from each other a lot and made it far better. and we can't go back to school yet, not enough money. also, he's WAY behind me. when i left school i only had 2 classes left before getting my AA in psych, but he hasn't done most of his basic classes. so i'd only be helping him when he's doing homework. Wuyabi, i tried the "him or me" and that's what got him to see what me and many of his other friends saw. but there's nothing to be done right now. ryan's friend is an over actor, and and one point a while back when ryan said he didn't like where they're friendship was going, his friend tried to "commit suicide", though it was actually no where close and he just wanted attention. snakequeen2000 & ~Tiger~Spirit~Sakuia~, thanks for your support as well. ~[Velvet_Rose]~, you've been a big help privately talking with me, i really appreciate it.
the whole thing is just my mind not allowing me to think things out properly because all i can think about is work.
Curious Moon Child · Tue Aug 29, 2006 @ 11:26pm · 7 Comments |
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