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SO0ooo.... bout time for another self-pity session. . . . |
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yar. well, lets see where to begin? its monday, so i suppose its time to catch up with everything going on inside.
things at this house i live in are only getting worse. theyve stopped giving me money and being enthusiastic when i leave the house. i suppose all of that went away when they started giving geoff a much easier time. of course theyll never realize it. why ever not? well perhaps it has something to do with them being proud that theyve eased up on geoff and the world revolves around geoff. speak of the devil, i think i hear one of his friends cars. . . . the bass bothers me so much. . . . my ears want to implode!! i asked "mother dearest" how much money id be allowed to spend on a homecoming dress this year. youd think that with how enthusiastic she was last year about me going to prom, shed be willing to give me at least some money. but, reality is nonsense. reality is everyone in this house has forgotten how little money i tend to spend. geoff and greg have gotten away with stealing hundreds of dollars off of them, yet i cant even get a 20 to go to the mall. hell, theyve even stolen money from me!
----random add in: the sky is a really orangish pink color. its really cool. the way its reflected by the leaves on the trees is beautiful!----
so, as far as homecoming goes, im thinking of other things to do. i could very easily just wear the dress i got from v for prom. i could borrow one from someone. i could get revenge by wearing my black jeans that i always wear and "mother dearest" wants to throw away. o, and as far as "parental involvement" goes, there is no way in hell ill give her a chance to see me when im getting ready or finishing up or anything. its bad enough when shes been supportive of me. although, i kind of wish wed all just have another anti-homecoming party. last years was great. and i keep trying to figure out what the deal with homecoming and prom is. . . . but i just cant. . . . it seems so pointless and like such a waste. besides, the guilt "mom" would feel from being the main cause of me not going to something that would have meant so much to her would be such great revenge.
----god, the lighting is amazing! looking at it shining through my window is just so. . . . indescribable. i wish i could take a snap shot of everything or do a painting and capture the sheer beauty of it all. the death of the sun. such a lovely thing it is. ----
o, and in case you didnt notice, im clearly having major "parental" issues.
"mom" has started refering to rick as "your dad" when around me again because hes been a major s**t head about being called by his first name. that b*****d. he will never ever hear those ******** evil lies from my mouth again! "daddy" "dad" "father" all out of the question. . . . i will never hug him or say i love you or even that i dont completely hate him. nothing new there really, except for the part about "mom" being bitchy about it.
o and i cant wait to hear more about senior photos. i absolutely refuse! i wont do it! i dont want them to remember me. i dont even want to remember me this year or last year or most other years of my life. besides, photos dont portray the real you, no matter who takes it or how they take it. stick me in a room full or kitties and crayons and try to take my picture. . . . you still wont get a good shot of me.
o yeah. . . . anywho, so "mom" has been extra bitchy lately. i cant do anything without getting yelled at or lectured. im not given a chance to make mistakes on anything. all i hafta do is walk down the stairs and instantly im told not to start anything with rick or not to eat all of whats left of the bacon . . . .
which reminds me, i think i should just give up on eating anymore, except when people are willing to give me food at school because they feel sorry for me. eating at home has become such a hassle. not that it didnt always raise issues, but now its so bad i dont even want to bother anymore. no one cooks for me and anytime i try to cook for myself i get lectured about how to do everything and yelled at for every mistake i make. its nearly impossible to find anything that constitutes as a meal that doesnt require cooking. if i ask for help or for someone to do something for me, i wind up getting yelled at and bitched at because i dont know how to cook for myself or because im too lazy to learn.
anywho. . . . dont you just love when you are waiting patiently for your turn to say something to someone and you get yelled at for it? i got that twice today! my "grandma" made a big deal out of me not going outside to eat the chicken she brought over so i stopped playing the game just after greg had let me on and went outside to go get some food. i looked around and didnt see any of the meat type stuff theyd been cooking. all i saw was a giant thing of macaroni and some vegie stuff. i went over, leaned on my mom, since she was busy talking. everyone had already begun eating and bla bla bla. a few minutes later she starts yelling "what? what do you want? what? " repeatedly at me. i hadnt wanted to make a big scene, but instantly everyone starts staring at me and i can just feel what they were thinking. then i ask her quietly where all the food was, not wanting to say anything in specific in fear that they had eaten all off it and would make a big scene about it. she simply tells me that its all over there. i look at it again and then go inside because it wasnt there. instead, i ate some macaroni and an apple that i fixed for myself. o and i hate macaroni. then i sat back down at the game and greg and his friends went to the basement. just as they did that, it logged me off. so i just sat there for little while. then i went downstairs and waited for greg to quit blasting his quitar so i could ask him to log back on. instead he threw a fit because i had stood there staring at him for about 3 minutes. he yelled at me saying that i had been bugging him about it.
anywho, as you all can clearly see, my depression has been acting up. very much. for now, im just saying that the beggining of the school year has my emotions in an uproar. its been happening ever since a few days before school started. it mainly happens at night or when i spend way too much time without being around you all. it occassionaly strikes when im with you guys, but for the most part, you all are my anti-depressant medication. as are manga and anime and crayons, most of the time. sometimes they dont work. and like many things, its all preventative. if i wait till im already feeling depressed, i cant even get myself to take them.
anywho. . . . i guess iv spent enough time moping since i cant even remember most of what i was gonna say. although, i suppose i could talk about how inspiring depression can be in an artistic way. but then again, most of the time its simply crippling.
----the sky is very dark now. the crickets and other creatures of the night are making noises. all you can see of most objects, such as trees, are silouettes. its very lovely. the peacefullness night time brings is unimaginable----
Unni Ineo · Tue Sep 05, 2006 @ 01:42am · 0 Comments |
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