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You ever had those times in your life where you wonder where the heck you're going? Well, thats where I am right now. I mean its not like I'm super depressed or anything, I just sometimes wonder whats happening to me. I feel very different from last year. I feel sometimes lonely in my day to day life. But then again, I was also kinda lonely last year. I dunno. Maybe its the stress gettin to me or the fact that I've lost two family members consecutively and another two are goin down the drain with a bottle.
I have my anchors in life, my writing, my friends, my boyfriend, but there are times I wonder where I'm going. I'm heading down a path I've never walked before.
Anyways lately I've been so distracted, there were a few times I wondered if anybody would miss me in deth or even care. i've contimplated suicide before, as young as the age of ten. Does any ten year ever consider suicide? I thought about throwing myself out of my second story window, other times I thought about slitting my wrist and bleed to death. But I've never attempted them, I'm still to attached to my mortal coil. I am still chained to this life, the links are to heavy for me to cast off. My parents don't even know this, and they are the first cause of these thoughts. My mother was somewhat..physical when it came to punishment as a child. She almost hit me with a chair once. My fahter just yells and has only hit me twice. But they're my parents, and as much as they sometimes make me want to cry, i can't escape them. blood is thicker than water. Plus I don't want my siblings to have the reputation as the kids whose sister went mental and blew her brains out. I'm not on medication, so this writing comes from the heart and not a drug induced fog. Should my parents ever read this, I want them to see me and know its not their fault, its just the way life is, unfair and cruel. If life were easy, there would be no pain and because there would no pain, no joy. So, I'll stick to my life and put my mask back on, but this is my testament, this is my story. This is veritas!