i cant even look at me when im like this im hideous when i cry my eyes are burning and red upset over such small things most likely it has something to do with my counciling affecting the way i think no, not most likely, definitely. . . . things like trying to get what i need when i need it or finally fully knowing what the messages being sent to me through everyones actions are yet another double edged sword its supposedly helping me emotionally and everything but at the same time, i feel awful i get upset so easily i understand why but i feel so silly freaking out over something as small as o s**t, i just remembered something i need "mom" to fill out and sign that i told her about yesterday and friday but it didnt get taken care of because it wasnt important enough for her to listen to me about god im miserable it hurts really bad sometimes so bad i want to just drop to my knees, double over, or just lay there and try to sleep. . . . usually that all outside or in my room. . . . anywhere else i cant stand to be. . . . though, i have trouble staying in my room nowadays too, unless im working on art or at my computer and even then its hard. . . . what even harder is trying to not go far on my walks and trying to come back. . . . i hate this house i hate the people in it i hate everything about it o and did i mention my man/human hating is coming back? i thought id lost it when i became obsessed with diru or through counciling, but i found it again tonight while sitting in one of the few places i could find that didnt make me feel worse in our yard. . . .
o and i slipped up and said rick in front of my "grandma" who wanted an explaination from me. . . . shed never understand. i cant stand being around her. i cant stand being around pretty much anyone any more. if im lucky, i can stand being around friends, but even that can be hard sometimes cuz my self-consciousness kicks in and so dose my emo
im so sick of everyone and everything. . . . cant it all just disappear? or better yet, and probably much easier, cant i just disappear? right about now, being stuck in an endless, dark abyss doesnt sound too bad.
Unni Ineo · Mon Sep 25, 2006 @ 04:41am · 1 Comments |