Broke down again today. ********, why do I keep falling apart in school? And even worse: in front of Jana?
So I broke out in a Bohemian Rhapsody musical, dancing around according to the mood of the song (which of course, B.R. has 3 or 4 moods.) Then I hear Steven walking towards me, and he tells me that Ashums is having a mental and emotional breakdown. Before I set off to see her, he tells me that Dwayne is right next to her, and he's shutting out the world, so I got a bit scared. I felt some food in my stomach working it's way up, back into my throat, but I just swallowed it back down and resumed my quest to comfort Ashums. When I got there, I just hugged her and cradled her and told her all the things I could. Then she said, "Lina why can't I have what I want? Why do I have to be so ******** up in the heart?" When she said that, it hit me so hard. I started thinking That's what I'm doing... that's how I feel... but I've been hiding it. I miss Dwayne. I ******** miss Dwayne. Why is my heart is just as messed up and confused. Why are we like this? Why can't we be normal?" Then I started crying. Dwayne... just turned away, which made me cry more. Then I did the most akward thing I could've done. I put my hand on Dwayne's hand, and he took it. I went to him and cried on him for a while. He rubbed my back, but still said nothing. Over and over, I told him I was sorry and I never meant for things to go wrong. Still, he said nothing. So the bell rang, and I walked to the band room, trying to breathe and relax, but it didn't help. By the time I got to the band room door, the pain went straight through my heart and said "******** YOU!" My legs gave out on me, and I got on my knees, crying. It was a funny cry; the long "ahhhh" with the choking at the end. I embarrassed myself in front of the band and everyone who was passing by, getting to class. Faye saw, and freaked. She ran into the band room, and I just cried more and more. When I tried to get up and tell myself, "no more", my heart cursed again and overtook my body, and my legs gave out again. I fell to the ground, banging my head on the ground, which made the pain all the more worse. I couldn't help it. my heart was outraged with me. "You pathetic little liar! Did you really think that you could conceal these feelings within me forever?" I thought I could, but I couldn't hold it in. It all came loose. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Then I saw Jana running out and she picked me up and held me. I cried more. Why did I cry more? wtf. I hate myself. My crying eventually slowed and we went into class, and I got my flute, still choking on my tears and everything. I didn't want to be far from Jana, so I sat in the row between the trumpets and clarinets, and I tried to tell Jana, "I'm fine. I just need to relax." Meh, it didn't come out, and was replaced by more choking and crying. Then she got up and sat next to me and held me. You know, she's held me tighter than anyone else has. She makes me feel so safe and so not alone. Anyways, I relaxed a bit. Heh. Then, of course, I smelled her and bit her shirt, which calmed me even more.
What would I do without her? Man I need help.
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Rain.
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My life is a lesson in losses.
I learn one at a time.
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heart My life is a lesson in losses.
I learn one at a time.
User Comments: [1] [add]
User Comments: [1] [add]
Community Member
its a sign that it was meant to beeeeeeeee
>:]