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AWESOME EDDIE IZZARD QUOTES!!! you can just read the short ones if you want but they're pretty much the bomb *kaboom*

"Danger" could be my middle name … but it's "John".

Makeups just crazy anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did alright for them... until uhh... well, until you killed them all."

Pears can just ******** off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!"

'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap. Jeff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hair-dos.

There was a spirit of ex-empire, this thing of "things can't be done", whereas in America, I thought there was a spirit of "can be done!", the pioneer thing. "Go do it, what do you want to do?" "I want to put babies on spikes." "Go, then! Go! What a wonderful idea. It's the American Dream!"
Hi! I'm Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We've got babies on racks! Mmm, they taste of chicken!" They do! Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans. Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that.

In the 30s: Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, the second World War – the Russian front, not a good idea! Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid! 'Cause you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't ******** hold it!

If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult.

Yes, no smoking in bars now, and soon, no drinking and no talking! Be careful, California, you're supposed to be the crazy state – out there, the wild ones. Soon everybody will be saying, "Come down to the library, we'll have a wild time!"

"Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!" "Well, the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!" "Well … that's because they're cheating!"

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon." "Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!"

There's no Church of England fundamentalism. We can't have Church of England fundamentalism. You know, like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad! … Ah ha … Church of England fundamentalism is impossible because you can't have: "You must have tea and cake with the vicar or you die!" Tea and cake or death! Students with beards, "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" Ca – you know, 'cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Everybody – anyone could answer that. "Cake or death?" "Uhh, cake please." "Very well! Give him cake!" "Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice!" "You! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake for me, too, please!" "Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?" "Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry …" "You said death first, ah-ha, ah-ha, death first!" "Well, I meant cake!" "Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England! Cake or death?" "Uh, cake please." "Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush! So what'll it be?" "What, so my choice is 'or death?' Well, then I'll have the chicken, please."

After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer … "All right, come on, Europe, give these countries back. Britain?" "What?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh, it's India and a number of other countries." "Give them back." "Oh, all right. This one goes here and that one there. Oh, we need the Falkland Islands … for strategic sheep purposes."

"You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Lunch, Death, Death, Death, Afternoon Tea, Death, Death, Death, Quick shower …'"

Yes, and the Crusades were, "We kill you in the name of Jesus!"
"Wait, we have Jesus too! He's a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!"
"Do you? Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!"
"No, he wasn't! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!"
"Look, it's just we've come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home."

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

But we play bad guys in Hollywood movies, like, take, uh, The Empire Strikes Back from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star – just full of British actors opening doors and going: "Oh, I'm … oh … oh." "What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?" "It's just the rebels, sir. They're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." "Damn! That's dashed cunning of them! Ah, Lord Vader!" [hollow breath] "Uh … hello?" Because he was only impressive because he had that James Earl Jones voice: [deep voice] "I'm … I am Vader. The force is strong with you." If he had a much more [high wimpy voice]: "'Ello! Look, I'm Lord Vader, and just pay a-bloody-ttention, all right? Luke, Luke, the force is strong with you." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Well, who told you that?" "Uh, s-some bloke. Yeah, he said the force is really rather strong with you." "Well, how strong?" "Uh, as strong as a small pony." "Oh, that's quite strong, that is." It wouldn't have worked, would it?