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(Note: this is me rumbling, so there WILL be a lot of mistakes here and there!! Also this is me rumbling so it will be random!!! and it is not in perfect paragrahing!!!)

I have just been thinking a lot, and rumbling a lot. I dunno why, I guess it's just one of those times I am using my left brain to think for once.

I often don't rumble to my friends, becuase I think they'll get annoied with me, and don't want to be my friend anymore, because I talk too much, and think I am annoying.

Well it's christmas, I often feel I am too spoiled, I love it, but then when I look at my friends they aren't that forunate as I am. Now that it's been christmas my parents ate like flat broke, and I am flat broke, I am always flat broke, I spend all my money on books, I am obsessed with it really, books are my passion. If it's not books, its buying presents or taking my friends out for a lunch.

I am thankful for my friends, and I want them to know that.
Without my friends there, I would have never been the person I am today.
They push me, make me realize what I can be. I often think of myself negatively, I don't know why.
My friends are so important to me, I love them, they are my life.
My mom has always been there for me, but then her boyfriend got in the way, things change I realize that but I hate it when things change because it often gets harder, and rougher around the egdes if you know what I am talking about.

I miss being that little girl before I was 5 seeing my parents fight.
That little girl who could think there were possiblities, where there was no right or wrong way, before there was fights, where there was no remorse, where your imangation had no limits, the limit was the sky.
Now that I am older and look on my shitty past life there was nothing I could do about it.
Anything could be around the courner, and it will either be good or bad.

I often like to think optimistic, but there are times when my dark side comes out and I don't think of those possiblities that I have before me if I just push myself to be that person.

Also I STILL think about my pathetic boyfriend, who I broke up with two times. That was 2 frickin years ago. I was never honest with him why I broke up with him the first time...I loved him. As a*****e he was, He was the best boyfriend I have. I keep telling myself that there is someone out there for me that is better. Or my friends say he wasn't worth it. Somedays he isn't on my mind, somedays I think about him constantly, somedays I hate his guts to the point where I want him to disappear. He was my frist boyfriend, I was 13, my friend hooked us up on her birthday. He was my last boyfriend in the past 2 years, since then I went out with 2 other guys but it didn't even work out for 2 days, so I don't really think of them as boyfriends. The first guy, didn't say he was ready so what he said. The second guy he wanted to have sex, before we even label ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I feel so desperate at times to have a boyfriend.

I miss having that specail someone holding me in there arms, comforting me, to kiss me, to love me, to always be there for me when I need them the most.

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