I'm bored right now so I decided to right this because I really have nothing better to do. On sunday Michael and I went to the S.I. mall to look for jobs that I thought were already mine. Of course I should have listened to the saying, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and it's right. I was really thinking I was going to get a job and still don't have one. One good thing about the whole day is that Michael has a job now and will start next month during the break. I really hope he will make alittle more than enough money so we can actually live. I can't do it on my own and thus why I'm stressing and having a lot more headaches than usual. I'm really trying to stay positive believe me but it's hard. So far doing well. I won't worry about the job or money issue too much and I hope i don't become a bother for my Panda because he doesn't need it. I know he is doing all this because he loves me and I'm glad.
One other thing that I scared of is college and if I do move out of my house which I'm living in now maybe my father won't help me pay for college anymore. I don't know what to do or what to say so my parents allow me to move out. I need some advice. I can only tell so much to Panda. He does give me advice; the thing is that he can only offer so much because he doesn't know how it feels like going through all of this and all the stress on top of it as well. A lot of people expect me to do well and others want me to fail so they can rub in my face how much I really do need them and that I can never be right. Never offer positive criticism because for some reason the only way I can learn is my making me submissive and they justify that by saying it's for my own good. if it really was for my own good let me do my mistakes and let me make my own decisions. i don't think they are aware that I can't and don't want to hold their hand through everything I do, say and go. In a couple of months I'm going to be an adult and will start defending, acting and be treated like one. No one really cares if I do well only myself and I strong assume Panda because I think the same about him.
I love it when he does well. Everytime something good happens in his life or when I can see I brought a bit of hope or happiness because he deserves it. He maynot say the same but we think the same. Whatever he thinks of himslef that's how I think of myself. And well I see him as perfect. He has everything I ever wanted or see as beautiful. I would never change him for the world; why should I if I finally found someone who truly loves me for me. I tried changing myself and that didn't work and would put me in a sad place. No one really wants me and any tease me of how I look. I know i'm different no one needs to point that out but for some reason they want to, to get a cheap laugh or whatever. ******** them and anyone who thinks like them.
Thus why in many situations I'm selfish. No one is going to give me what I want I have to go get it myself. If I have to knock people out of the way to get to the top I will. however I'm not saying I would harm or do any danger to them. what I mean is if the chance comes to me first I would take it because it would help me out. If I give it to someone else or let someone else take it I could not live with the fact or having the thought of "Could that been me?" I want to do good and some people tell me i'm a hard worker, but if I just really tried I would do much better and I have to sadly agree. If I realy did try at something then I do believe that I can do whatever I wanted because I would have the knowledge to back me up. I don't know why I don;t try that much. Maybe it's because I always double guess myself; many times I think things that I do people will judge in a bad way but I want to learn that I should just do something because I want to and not let others influence me. I find myself weak in that area and in some others too. but I can happily say that I see some power in me. Even though stubburness is not always a good thing, be that as it may because I am so stubburn I can pursist for something I truly want and would eventually get it.
I want so many things in life and I should really not care right now what they are. I need to take small steps which would take me to my bigger goal.
When tears fall, does anyone care?
mybabypenguin Community Member 
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