sometimes i think i'm dieing. i feel like i'm dieing. slowly wasting away from the inside out. and not the kind of 'inside' like your stomach or even like your heart. more like ... your soul is sinking into a dark ragging sea. and even worse than the stormy rapides is the haunting stillness below the surface of those dark waters.
it gives me chills even just to think about it.
i fall down, and my head spins. i feel shorter or smaller or maybe even taller at times, but never right. never right in the head, or anywhere else for that matter. and ... i just want to collapse into a fit of tears. worse than that though, i can't cry. i can't let myself. esp if anyone's around. or at least anyone that i fear might be able to penatrate and there for see into my delicate shell. even one i trust with my life!
it sucks. and it's sucking me down. ...
i don't always feel like this. and no it's not teen angst or whatever. i have a clinical depression ... but it doesn't really matter what it is i suppose, what matters is what it does to me, and what it keeps me from doing.
i missed school today because i felt like such complete and utter s**t. ... i can't face high school on days like this. ... though this is the first time it was quite so bad as to prevent me from even going. ... i just ... can't. i can't keep my mind in that prison. i can't deal with the noise or the sex or the idiots that dare call themselves the future. ... i just can't. and no offense to my fellow WV school mates, but ... sometimes your just too much for me.
...
i'm sorry ... i wish i didn't feel like this. ... i wish i could just be normal sometimes. ... at the same time though, that would never do. i can't stand to be too normal. in fact i'm willing to become a social out cast or total 'freak' in order to avoid becoming too 'normal' (this is probably the biggest reason i wear cat ears everyday). i don't want to get sucked in. and most of all ... i don't want to be just another face in the crowd. i have to stand out. i have to be me, and i have to make it so the world can see that. i am me, and there's no ignoring that when i come down the street in cat ears. therefore there my sucurity. my comfort zone.
speaking of comfort zones and such. i've started caring a purple frog around with me. he's stuffed of course. ... sometimes it makes me feel like i've regressed back into my childhood. and while ... that kind of makes me feel vulnerable ... at the same time i wish i could regress. i wish i were 7yo again. i wish i could turn back time. ... i mean on the whole i don't, but some days ... i'd give just about anything to be back in that innocent sheltered world again. ... i can't believe it's gone. .... sometimes i don't even notice it's gone. or that time has passed at all. not just from childhood but day to day. sometimes, ... it's like the world just jumps, and ... i'll remember the last severial hours, but ... they aren't real to me. i was just on the bus or just at home and now all of a sudden i'm on the other side of town and all this sh*t has gone by but i don't feel like it really happened. ... like the whole thing's a dream and ... i'm not really off the bus yet. i'm still at home even, still in my bed, and not even close to leaving it.
... somedays i really wish that were the case too. ....
 Morrighan-Brann · Tue Mar 15, 2005 @ 01:27am · 0 Comments |
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