I've recently had a talk with Ender, he's feeling depressed inside again... I talked to him about how he felt... In my eyes, whatever he was depressed about seemed kind of stupid... and something he shouldn't worry about: having a girlfriend. I told him that girls come and go... he doesn't need a girl to cheer him up and be so dependent on her, he needs friends and something to make him happy, keep his mind away from girls. Felt like I wanted to slap him across his face, he's so much smarter than that, I don't understand why he should let something so... trivial to get in his way. If I... can move on from sorrow, and he can too. He can't sit there waiting for a girl to come, he has to enjoy life without females. He should be free and not held down by a relationship right now...
... I just recently found out that one of my friends whom I've met through 89 has lung cancer... Death could knock at his door anytime soon... upon finding out, I felt like something in my heart was twisted slightly. Throughout our conversations, I felt as if I had to do something to make his life a little better... Thank the Gods for blessing me with the ability to make people laugh and smile, I cheered Vick (I'll reffer to him as that since I don't plan on giving out his real username...) up a little. He told me that he's not one to smile or laugh but I managed to pull that off. I was happy that I could make him smile and feel a little more relaxed. He's had some hard times and is not quite trustful of others as well as being considered an a*****e (Which I don't believe he can be heheh.). To his comment, I replied thoughtfully... I told him that everyone has a dark and tormented side to them, but you can never forget to see the brighter side of people. As we talked a bit more, I started to remember something I learned a long time ago and now again: Always look for both the light and dark parts of a person's soul. Not just one." I think that will help me on my judgement, hopefully. We continued to talk and Vick told me that he's one of the only people he really trusts, I believe the second person would be 89... I actually felt a bit honored to be trusted by him, it brings a smile to my face to know that I have someone else's trust and they have gained mine in return. And to that, I will uphold that trust. But I couldn't keep my mind off of his medical condition... Even though its only online and I can't obviously do much.. I still promised to do what I CAN do, to cheer him up. Thinking about death does bring a bit of fear... but more like... emptiness. You know a person for so little or so short but you find out that they can't live for very long... One minute you see them standing there, waving at you happily, speaking to you ... the next, they're not there anymore... their bodies burried or burned, their spirit gone. The spots they standed on have no one there to fill them in... As if it never happened before... I never really had an emotional attatchment to someone who's dying.. I'd rather not I guess but If I clearly think of it in some weird positive way, then I'd be apathetic about it and just move on... But then it would feel as if my memories slip away from my fingers and mind... If there is one thing I would be more afraid of than death, is being alone or losing my memories. But sometimes one has to be alone to survive and learn... while another has to lose all memories in order to make new ones and start fresh again. Feels like a process of life...
Heh, Vick said I was wise and kind... I really forgot that I can be wise... But on those rare occasions.. And I haven't had a chance to be kind to someone and help them... Its been too long. I almost forgot how to help one, really...
Interesting day...
Meh... Now I suddently feel like doing a religious poem. Might as well get it over with before I go to sleep... Perhaps it will help.
~Midnight Prayer~
As I kneel down infront of my bed,
I pray to thy Lord in the sky
Silent whispers fill the room while
angels play a sweet tune
Keep the demons at bay
While those who betray us wil pay
Release the hatred held within
So that we may rest in peace
Saint Death, please do not ring your bells of calling
We'd like another day of life, we'll be stalling
Judge our soul when we are lifted from our material plane
The balance of our hearts and deeds will surley decide our fate
Gabriel, protect me from the demons who wish to torment me
Slay them with your mighty sword, never to return
Let the stars in the sky guide my dreams to the Heavens
Whatever awaits for me in the after lufe, I will accept.
My prayer that will grant me another day of life I will continue
So that my time on earth will forever be cherished my by fading memories
If my ashes are scattered across the winds, I hope they find the way to Heaven's Gates. Amen.~
That poem is sponatneous... or rather prayer. I'll make my own personal prayer when I feel religious enough or when I'm dragged by my gramparents into a church that gives me little head aches - -;;. Good night to myself.
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