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Homeword Bound
So, one day I was walking down the street when a giant spanish cockatoo comes up to me and tries to give me some tomato bisque. I said, "I appreciate your hospitality, but I really don't need any tomato bisque right now," but for some reason this seemed to infuriate the creature. The irate cockatoo threw the blistering bowl of soup right on my face, and I ran down the street like a raving lunatic, clutching my seared flesh. It wasn't long before I ran into a huge brick wall of a man. He was curling a monster truck and seemed rather irritated that I ran into him, so he picked me up and threw me with all ofhis might. Apparently, he ripped the time-space continuum a new one because I was soon plunged into a psychedelic vortex. Appearing before me was a crow made out of salami. It said, "Thy will by thy own, for thy heart's desire is thy own will to have desire, and tainted wings shall forever purge the heavens." The last thing I remember was seeing a flaming ice cream truck shooting at a bunch of children with puzzle pieces for clothes with a semi-automatic paintball gun; apparently they were plad paintballs and smelled like mountain valley flowers sprayed with water from a glacial spring with a hint of lavender. When I woke up, I had no idea where I was. The sky was flashing red and I was surrounded by rotating gun turrets. The ironic thing was that there were dinosaurs on patrol wielding flamethrowers. Things certainly looked bad, but I wasn't going to give up; I was going to get to the bottom of this. I walked up to the nearest dinosaur and punched him in the face, knocking him out cold, and commandeered his flamethrower. I ran through the gauntlet of turrets using everything I learned from watching action movies: Just run like a lunatic with no heed to finding cover; the bullets will stay at your heels. And so they did, and so I escaped, but my adventure had only begun. I went to the nearest inn and paid the innkeeper 100g to stay for the night, and then continued onward. When I left the inn, I witnessed unspeakable sectarian violence; it was a civil war between to zealous religious cults, and neither would back down. The pencils had been overshadowed by the pens for centuries, but when General Ball Point stood up #2 at tea time, it was personal. Ever the fan of carbon, I decided to pay #2 a visit. He explained the situation: "We've been surviving this long for two reasons. The first reason is that we have something that oens don't: erasers. the second, is that as long as there are scantrons, we will have a place in this world. However, those twisted pen scientists are spawning all kinds of aboninations. Now there are pens that can record sounds, translate languages, and even do your math homework, but worst of all, they've created an earasable pen!" At that the entire pencil armada became silent. It was then that I knew what I had to do... Get the hell out of this stupid war. I lit a match and set fire to the pencil's wooden base and stepped outside just in time to witness a motorcycle crash into a canoe. Furious the two oars got out of the canoe to see the moron who was driving the vehicle, but it turned out to be an adorable five-year-old girl and her kitten. "I Sowwy..." the girl said; "meow," went the kitten. The oars just couldn't stay mad at the girl, and that was their undoing. When their guard was down, a tiny midget gnome with a sharp axe chopped down the oars; now the gnomes would have some high-quality wood... "As promised," said the gnome, "I will grant you each one wish." The kitten said, "meow." Scratching his head the gnome snapped his fngers and turned it into a pickle. Then the little girl began. "I don't weely want much. All I want is.....Compweet and utter dominance over all things wiving!" Now was my chance! "But that's not what she wishes for," I said. "She wishes for a golden toilet!" And so, with a snap of the gnomes fingers, the little girl was able to crap with class. Suddenly, here was a crack of thunder. The ruler of this realm descended from the heavens, finally aware that I had arrived. As the smoke cleared, I saw the world's master: an Atari 2600. Then I realized, I was home.
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