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The only person that I can tell this is myself. Because I feel it's impossible for people to understand it. I'm scared, terrified even. I hide it behind a mask, but it still effects the way I behave. Is it fair to my friends, that are close enough we would trust each other with our lives. I don't know, I feel like saying those words would immediately end any relationship you have with anyone. Weakness is a disliked trait, and when it's displayed we often look the other way. Always a facade, alone within the confines of our own mind. Perhaps this is only my perception of how the world works, but that perception is all I know. However warped it may be.

I revealed my heart not once but twice. The first time it was met with coldness and I was sent to therapy sessions. What a joke. Why are people so insistent that if someone want to show their feelings that there must be something wrong with them.

The Second time, was hardest. The scars still ache from time to time. Growing close to someone, only to find out your best friends likes them too. How do you choose something like that. I couldn't, and I'm still hurting from that decision. I try to fool myself that, the one I loved is better off. They chose someone that made them happy and I should be happy with that. Well no, I'm not happy. I understand that I cannot change how things are, but I don't want to pretend like I never cared about them. That would be like killing a piece of me.

Because of those experiences. I'm afraid. How much more can I take before I break. I don't want to test it. Because breaking means its over. I won't be able to put the pieces back together, I'm sure it will just end.

Forward. An idea that holds strong feelings for me. So long as I have that, I can still see my future.

What will happen if the day comes that moving forward is not possible. That. Is what truly fills me with terror. What will happen if I stop.

I've told myself not to make decisions I'll regret, and any decisions I've made I should not regret them. A difficult rule to follow...very difficult.

I do regret some things, and I feel I'll never really overcome that feeling. I wish I hadn't removed all my facebook friends and burned those bridges. Especially when I never knew what was on the other side. Making connections is so hard now, they all seem fake to me, or maybe I'm just too closed anymore.
I need to come to a decision with Ashley. Do I actually want to be anything with her or am I just staying kinda friends out of pity and fear. I don't know.

What A joke MY NAME. Your life is a ******** joke. Blantantly thick when it matters, cold hearted when people reach out to you, and confused on what you even want.Who even am I.

Well lets start with a list of regrets:

(Highschool and later or this will get bad lmao)
-Not figuring out my bowel issues soon enough to focus on enjoying a social life in HS
-Not figuring out how to speak and hold myself confidently in HS
-Dating people I really have no other reason to date than desperation
-Ignoring potential future partners because "I wasn't ready" and was cold to them
-Lacking the self confidence to approach my first love in time
-Failing a class because I was lazy
-getting in fender benders because I lacked awareness
-choosing to spend my nights alone because I'm afraid..

These entries, these thoughts. They are who I am at a core in their raw form. No filters applied. Just me. And the thoughts that forever haunt me. I can;t imagine a day where I would allow anyone to read these...but I still hope that one day, I could let someone special to me read these and feel secure enough that I know they will still love me after.

A fear can only hinder those with weak minds. Sometimes it requires extrodinary Will power to prevail. But even the strongest blade can be chipped. And eventually..those chips will break that blade into millions of pieces. A shattered mind is a mind that tried too hard.

Cleaned the house, I always have fun cleaning. I like to turn it into a hybrid dance like thing with music haha. Decided to hit up REDACTED first thing in the morning for some Ark. Surprise Surprise, REDACTED texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch with her at 10. I swear, her timing is impeccable. Turned out the place we would eat "Ulike" would not open till 11 so we rescheduled for 1:00pm
I played Ark in the mean time, it was fun. Normal Ark as usual nothing special. I lied to REDACTED though...I wish I hadn't of done that. I was afraid I would be judged for still seeing REDACTED after the rejection. Maybe I'm a little ashamed of it myself. Oh well, I must learn from the mistakes I make. So that I do not make them again.

REDACTED bumped the meeting to 1:30, no problem. She was late by like 15minutes, it irritated me quite a bit. I almost left. We talked while eating lunch for about an hr or so. Conversation was ok, nothing special. I'm not sure if it was the rejection, but the feelings of attraction I once had for her are fading. I'm also starting to see faults I ignored, am I being too critical now as a defense mechanism? She doesn't seem very smart, and puts herself down regularly. I thought the texting was just a grammar issue, but I now see that her overall level of knowledge is lacking in comparison. Can I really call someone my equal when I don't feel they are even close to my knowledge. Perhaps she is not even a good fit for friendship either. Now that my thoughts are not clouded with infatuation, thing are easier to see. It's not just that, she doesn't have a drive or passion for anything as far as I can tell. She's just floating by. Not sure where I am heading with this, so I'll just keep it up for a bit longer and see where it goes.

Harmonia...I Cried. Amazing how these stories can affect me so.

This is good, I feel this reflection helps better sort my thoughts. Plus I'm sure if I read this later on I'll have some interesting thoughts about it XD.
Question: What is your dream. When does that dream become something you can touch, as opposed to a fleeting thought?

Answer: I haven't found my answer yet. Is it a lack of action, or a mental block I've developed. I'll just have to keep exploring avenues that bring me parts of that answer.

Well it's Christmas Day. This morning was pretty boring, went over to my Mom's to get gifts and eat. Made a last minute purchase for them too. It was a little expensive, but I'm okay with that. I'll just need to be strict on adhering to my budget.

REDACTED txted me early this morning, didn't want to txt back until I was done with visit to mom.

Asked her to play some minecraft and she accepted without hesitation, yet I still feel like she may not be interested in a relationship.

We had fun and spoke the norm while playing minecraft. Unfortunately I couldn't make a move and ask her on a date. I was just too dam hesitant, I hate this about myself. I really do. Now I'm worried that I may have missed my chance and that she'll think I've lost interest not asking her out.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will ask her out to go Ice Skating, and I will make it clear that it is a date. Or maybe I should tonight...I'm worried that if I ask tonight, I'll come off as desperate. I'm not, but I feel like I am. No. Tonight is no good. I'm not in a good state of mind for that either. Tomorrow I'll be refreshed. I ask around the time I go to lunch (2:30pm goal), unless she messages me before then. I will just be upfront and ask if she want to go on a skating date night Tuesday. If she can't do that night, then I will drop it and wait for her to suggest another time. I'll just have to act accordingly based on her response.I think there is something here to pursue, but without going on dates and experiencing the others company I can't see anything progressing.

So far I've managed to drop my guard a bit more, I'm not even logging onto okcupid to see if she's been on it. Hopefully by being more trusting of others, I can really build lasting relationships

Slept on the couch again by accident. It's weird, sometimes sleeping on the couch seems more comforting than my own bed. Something about my bedroom feels...off. Maybe adding some more stuff will make me more comfortable.

I finished playing World End Economica 3! I'm sad that it's over but man did I enjoy that story. I love when stories can tug at my emotions...It left me with a feeling I can only describe as despair at parts though. Alone

Got a nice merry Christmas from REDACTED, she spelled it chrismas the first time razz . I responded back wishing her a merry Christmas as well. I'm still a little unsure how I feel about her. Based on her communication in txts and playing minecraft, it's very reassuring that she is interested in me. But, I've gone through so many ghostings, and even flakes. It's so hard for me to open up and leave myself vulnerable anymore. Still, I feel a bit insecure in the back of my mind. The feeling isn't as bad as it has been in the past, I feel like I've really improved on it. I'm a lot more true to who I am now, I think being true to myself will improve my quality of life and interactions with others a lot. I hope anyway.

Being more true to myself I think has caused me and REDACTED to grow apart. He doesn't contact me, and I'm always initiating. I want to believe we're still best friends, but it's hard when feelings are not reciprocated. Mabye we've just become too different now. I've tried a few times to reinitiate something, but he just seems unresponsive after the last time we met. I feel he is still making stupid lies as an excuse not to be upfront and tell me he's not avilable to hang out. Like how he said both he and REDACTED work on Christmas and Christmas Eve. I asked if he was visiting...not if he was working the holiday.Trust, I value that so much. I try my best to always tell the truth, even when it's ugly. Because...I would hope that others would do the same for me.

On the bright side I think I'm growing closer to REDACTED & REDACTED. They definently give me a lot of attention and stay in contact quite a bit. I worry if I've been a bit to intense lately, but they seem cool with it. It's been this way awhile, it's like the farther I grow from REDACTED the more I desparely grab for any sort of companionship...

This possible relationship with REDACTED has be all Twitterpated too? haha yes, that word.

I'm so emotional anymore, who said men were not allowed to have or display their feelings. We're human beings too. Mabye it's because I started being myself more. I dont know

It's a little hard to continue typing this. The sinking feeling in my chest and the crying is starting. What happened to me. never cried like this except for those nights...those nights when I had to live away from my mom when i was younger. It's the same feeling...Just for different reasons