- I'm just going to take some time to write down a little about myself. I don't know what all I'm going to write, a little biography mixed in with my personality, probably. Whatever comes out will come out, I guess.
Growing up, I was way different than I was now. A stable life for me started whenever I was six. Ii was okay, being just another kid who liked to play and have fun. I was pretty oblivious to everything when I was smaller, like almost every other kid in their early years. Home was pretty.. wild, though. My mom had married my stepdad, at the time, when I was six. I thought everything was fine, to be honest. It wasn't. He turned into an alcoholic a few years later, and I think it's what caused my brother to move to Canada. After he left, though, things started to get better. The stepdad had stopped drinking, and we all started to go to church. Before I get into that, I should explain a few things first, pertaining to family and friends.
I have two different families, thanks to my biological father not wanting to be around me when I was little. The emotional stress that it has caused me is just.. I don't know. It was fine at first, but now, I don't know what to do. I tried to, recently, have a relationship with my father, but I don't think I can do it. The words that he's said to me, and my mom, just piss me off so much. I don't want to deal with him. I'm probably closest with my aunt on that side of the family; she even said I was like her first child. I'm recently trying to reconnect with her. Yeah, we have a history, but I'm not going to go into it. As far as friends go, I can't keep solid friends. It makes me feel a little sad whenever people talk to me about going and hanging out with friends. I don't have any friends to hang out with. I'm mostly a drifter in school. I know people here, I know people there. I'm a loner, and that's how it's always been. I don't need people around me.
Speaking of school. I don't really care for it, but I've got the works for it. I don't really have to try, and I can make pretty good grades. I should say that I have an IQ of 132, which has been clinically tested. I promised my favorite teacher in high school that I would go to college because of it. The only thing that seems wrong with me as far as intelligence is my memory. Along with the results of the IQ, I found out I have short term memory loss. It upsets me the most, sometimes. I can't help that I forget things, most of the time. People always blame me for forgetting, or say that I'm faking it. I just feel so helpless when I no one believes me and I get in trouble.. It just brings me down sometimes.
One thing that I've noticed, for the past few years, is that I have a serious anger problem. I know that everyone says that, but I don't think most have it the way I do. I have caused so much in damage; broken game controllers, an iPod, and even myself. A lot could do with stress that's happened the past few months. With a mentally unstable drunken and pill-induced stepdad, I couldn't keep anything in anymore. I snapped many times, causing rageful arguments. Again, I'm not going to go into detail. I just get so mad, I act on impulse. So many things come from it. Violent images in my mind of hurting people that Ii hold grudges again; the ones that put serious damage on my life. The perfect example would be my stepdad. Many times, I've imagined bashing his skull in with a blunt object. I never do it, though. I don't plan on spending my time in juvie. Vulgar language being yelled, punching s**t. I've even broken a laptop by hitting it with the mouse. A lot of people don't see this side of me, because I don't let them. I say things I regret later, and it just goes to Hell. No, I wouldn't ever hit anyone for it. I mainly do it to myself, or something inanimate.
My anger usually leads to fighting. Physical, no. Verbal, yes. Arguments have become my specialty, in a way. I just sort of.. stop thinking, and say whatever is on my mind. It's bad, I know, but it just happens without warning. Although I try, most of the time, to not put myself into a situation where that happens. I avoid confronting people a lot, which is why I don't do well when in public. I'm socially awkward and I don't know how to deal with a lot of things. I try to avoid problems, which only lead to more problems. Anxiety is one of the things why I try and stay away from talking to a lot of people about in-depth stuff, like relationships or things that I'm passionate about. I'll start to ramble, my hands shake, and I can't sit still. It's annoying, to be honest.
What people see is usually a somewhat cheery person, who is up for doing almost anything. That's at school, though. I'm different whenever I'm at school, and different at home, and even different when talking to my girlfriend. It's like I wear a mask for everything. I hate it. I guess since I've said it, I'll talk about it. My girlfriend. What can I say about my feelings toward April? I honestly don't know. I've never loved a girl as much as I loved her, and I really don't think I'll ever love anyone like I do her. When I met her, after freshman year, my life was turned upside down. I never told anyone about our relationship, to be honest. Most people at school still don't know about it. It's not like they have to know. I've tried to be faithful and loyal to her, having an honest relationship. I failed the very first day, most likely. I lied to her about so many things. I don't know why I did it. I've always been insecure about myself; my hair, my face, my piercings, my body, my everything. I'm still like that, always giving second thoughts about things.
I just wish that I hadn't of lied to her about everything. I lied about some of my past. I lied about what I looked like. I lied about the real me, or at least most of it. The truth came out the very last day of last year (2010). It was sort of like letting the lies stay back in the year, and letting the new one start fresh with a clean slate on me. It felt really good to get everything off of my chest. I just don't know why she would still be with me even though I lied about all those things. Most girls would just dump a guy in an instant. Maybe we really are in love. Or maybe she's just really understanding. In a way, I sort of wish that I didn't meet April. I know it sounds mean, but I say it because I have a feeling things would be different. Since I've been with her, I've found that I have a sever jealousy issue. I get jealous from hearing her talk about other guys, mainly. I get envious, though, about material things, too. I've tried not being like that, but it's always failed. It's usually what starts a bunch of the arguments, at least when I'm the problem in them. I'm just.. not really sure what to think about our relationship. It's the most successful one I've been in, and I hope that it lasts for a long time. Some of the things about April, though, I'm not sure about. I've been starting to feel like I bother her about things, and like there's a wall in between us. I have a hard time believing her sometimes, and can't seem to trust her one hundred percent like I should. Things I've learned, though, have caused me not to trust her. I love her, but then again I hate her. She makes me frustrated, but I seem to forget it whenever I actually see her. Maybe things would be better if we were actually together. Maybe it's the distance that's doing it... April's a remarkable person, though. She's made me smile more than any other single person has. Even looking at her makes me smile. I just want to cry thinking about how happy she makes me in my life right now. I guess she's my shining light in the darkness.
So I guess I made somewhat of a mistake whenever I started to make a few friends on here, them being girls. Two, in particular, caused me problems. The first was River. We met in the Art Freebies, and started talking. Then, we started texting. It was only at a friend level, for me. It didn't take long before it was obvious that she liked me. I felt bad for her, honestly. One night, in particular, has never left my memory. Long story short, I wasn't able to talk to April due to certain reasons, and me and River were just texting. She started to talk about a wet dream that she had, starring none other than me and herself. Me being the stupid person I was - imagining almost every little thing that was told to me - pictured it all. I was just a guy, picturing a sex scene. Of course, I got an erection. It wasn't like I could really help it. I didn't think about having sex with River; she's not even my type, and she's a little hefty. She offered to feed my thoughts, to finish the deed and settle me down. I said no. I couldn't even imagine doing that, especially since it would be behind April's back. I'd much rather do things like that with her than with a friend that had a one-sided love for me. I regret giving River my number, honestly.
The next girl. Well, she was more of an emotional friend, listening to my problems. It started when I listened to her problems, and gave her advice. The next thing I know, after saying a few things about a few problems of mine, April's on my back because of it. Another regret for me: talking to Ray. She, too, had a crush on me. I really don't know what people see in me. That's probably it for my "girl troubles" though I don't socialize much on here anymore. Back to the topic of jealousy, now that I think about it. Ever since my brother has gotten back home from Canada, I've found that I'm jealous of him. He can do everything; cook, fix things, tell you smart answers. I look at myself as find that I can't do s**t that will get me anywhere in life. It's lead me to have a big confidence problem. I have the feeling that I'm useless, as if no one needs me around. I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything, and won't have the striving future that I've always wanted. I'd always planned to graduate high school and then go to college. I don't even know what I want to be as a long term career. I don't even want to go to college right now, I'm so sick of school.
A lot of times, I'm just an a*****e to everyone else. I'm selfish, negative, perverted, and conceited. I'm rude as Hell to teachers in school, crack dirty humorous jokes to my friends, and act unpredictable - both for the good and bad. I sit around on the computer and do nothing besides talk to April, swim in my own fantasies, listen to music, and write. I mostly think for myself, always wanting to be the center of attention, or so that's how I see it. My past has caused me to hate most people in the world, and it feels as if it can't be changed. I don't want to be a constantly happy person. I don't see myself with a smile on my face all the time. I like my pissed off look too much, I guess. I've been told that I'm funny, sweet, and other positive traits. I can believe it, no problem. But I don't think it's the real me. There's just so much negative in my life right now about me, I don't even have an answer for it. I don't have any reason for it, the reasons having gone away. I just can't let go. I hold onto the past too much, and dwell on it quite frequently. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm never going to be.
I know that I've left things out, but I really don't care.
