[«L u m i è r e. d e. L u n e»]
It started with one comment tonight: "I'm tired."
"You're tired?"
Yes, I am.
"What about me?"
This isn't about you.
"You don't do anything. You go to your shitty job and do nothing important. You go to school for like 25 hours a week."
I have school Monday through Friday. I work on the weekends. That's nothing?
"You're not as stressed or tired as us!"
Just because I don't have your job or obligations, that doesn't mean I'm not stressed or tired. And even if I'm not as stressed or tired as you, that doesn't make my problems non-existent.
"Who cares about you having to spend time to get to school or work? You should choose a better job if you hate it so much!"
I never said I hate my job. I just said I was a little bit tired. I wasn't complaining about anything.
"Well if you didn't spend 24/7 in front of your ******** laptop, maybe you wouldn't be so depressed!"
But it's okay for mom to spend 24/7 on her laptop and for you to play videogames from 9pm until 2am, is it?
"Get a ******** life! Get some friends. Go outside. Breathe some fresh air and you won't be depressed. Go party and be social instead of sitting on your fat a** and talking to virtual people all the time!"
Actually, I talk to my friends on here. Friends from school. Who work and go to school as well. Who can't go out often either. Who aren't exactly rays of sunshine either. Who understand the value of alone time. But at least you got the fat a** part right.
"When I was your age, I went out every night!"
Well I'm not you. I don't like partying every night.
"You have a roof over your head, food on the table and a family. You don't pay bills or do anything else. What's your ******** problem?"
I have a family who I can't open up to, a roof I hate coming home to, food that I can't stand eating and that ends up in the toilet and a demon that lives in my head and makes me starve, binge, purge and cut. But hey, if it makes you happy, I'll do all that and my chores and go to school and go to work and live my life miserably, but I'll also pay bills I shouldn't be obliged to pay because it's not like you pay for my college tuition or bring me places I need to be at.
"Stop ******** moping and do something."
Cut. I'll go cut. Cut and purge.
Depressed. I'm not allowed to be depressed. I have to be a ball of ******** sunshine 24/7, do what they want, have the best job ever, the best grades ever, pay the bills with them, do chores, set a good example for two ungrateful brats and be perfect while they go about their days, b***h and moan about how tired and stressed they are, how much they hate their jobs and then sit on their asses browsing the internet and playing videogames into the early morning.
I couldn't handle it. I went downstairs, grabbed my keys and two blades, excused myself for a run. Ran all the way out to the trails and cried harder than I ever remember crying. But it didn't help. At all. So I had to resort to coping with the bad ways.
I want out.
Current Autoplay: Save Me, by Shinedown
