Digging the deepest, darkest hole the world has ever seen.
So I bled my heart out of memories, but they linger still. How many times must I cry before they fade? I have not cried in a month, for this anyway, but I feel the knife behind my eyes getting closer. I can feel the sting, the pull at my heart when he is near. I do not feel the static cling, when and if we touch, thank God, but I still can not look into his face and be certain that he can not read me.
Kaeci gave me a scare this morning. Jayden was mad at her, and she's never mad at anyone. So I pestered Kay until she told me...I wish I didn't know, but at the same time I'm glad I do. She attempted suicide again. Almost made it this time. She had a note and everything. I wanted to smack her, but we were in class. I don't know what I would do without her. To make matters worse, she won't even tell me why... I love her, I want to be there for her, but sometimes I get the feeling that she doesn't want me around again. That I'm just good on Fridays (reference to a Cure song).
I wish Kay wouldn't try to take matters into her own hands.... She's trying to make things between Edwards and I okay... which is not what I want. I want Edwards to come to me if he wants to fix things, which he is making very clear that he does not. It hurts, but okay. I lived through the worst break-up in the world with him, I think I can live with him hating my guts too. You have to also take into consideration, that I really don't want anything to do with him either. I am to stubborn to let him win. He's not going to kill me and rip me to pieces over and over again because I let him do so. Yes, I still want him. I'll be honest. But I do not want to be stuck on somebody for the rest of my life who doesn't even want to make up a small part of mine. So...take what you will from that.
I have come to blame myself for my failed relationships. Both with Edwards and Kodiak. Jereme was a disaster waiting to happen, nothing I did changed that. Plus, it only lasted a week. It's not like that's a whole lot of time for me to screw things over. I may have ruined our friendship, but like I said, I probably couldn't have stopped that if I wanted to...which I really kinda don't. Same with Kay, except, I want to be friends with her. I ruined my friendship with her though; it will never, ever be the same. We'll never be so close....
When Edwards and I broke up, I tried telling myself that it was me, but it didn't work. I blamed him, and I blamed Kay. A lot. But for the past 4,5,6 months or so, all I can do is blame myself. It's all me. All my fault. Had I stopped it, I could have saved my relationship. I could have saved my friendships. And all I needed to do was say what I wanted to. Life is not a movie, nor a dream. I can not manipulate it like so. It is not one of my stories in which I can write the ending to match my desire. No. It doesn't work that way. I was trying to avoid the future that I saw in my dreams...but all I ended up getting was that future faster. So now what? I took to long to say it, and now I want to. I can't now. I know that. So all I'm left with is cursing myself in the dark.
How could I be so stupid, seriously? I had everything I wanted. Everything that made me happy. And I let it fall apart because I wanted them to be happy. I wanted Kay to be happy. I wanted Edwards to be happy. I knew I wasn't going to be, but I was hoping it would go against all odds and favor me. I should have known better... It never does.
So very alone.
That's what it feels like...all the time now. Even when I'm with Kay and Jayden and Kitty....I don't know. If I'm with one of them alone, I'm fine. But never in a group. I feel like I don't belong. And it's not just them, any group. Even single people. I can't stand it. It makes me feel horrible because I can't focus on anything around me. It's like everyone has cut me off. I can feel the vibes, but I can't tell from who. It's a horrible, stressful feeling. I can't take much more of this.
I have shovel.
And I'm digging.
But what am I digging?
My grave, or yours?
Is life so pointless that it has to close all the doors?
Or are they all open and I can not see
What is standing there in front of me?
Blinded by the darkness,
The shadows of the night.
I just keep on digging,
Way out of sight.
There's the poet side of me coming out...oh well...I can't help it anymore. Everything is so dark. Almost like it's been covered by a fog. It makes everything hard to see. And until that fog is lifted, I guess I'm just stuck waiting to see where this time warp will take me.